Dec 31, 2007

Terror of the Night

As last night progressed, I lay balled into the fetal position on my couch trying to cry quietly so as to not wake Paul. I think that I have never felt such pain as I have felt with this period. Interesting it is since I do not have PCOS or endometriosis or any other condition that should cause such awful pain and cramping. All of my doctor's were sure that endometriosis was the cause of the pain because in my younger years I would breeze through my periods like they weren't even there. Often, I had found myself bragging at how lucky I was to never get even a hint of PMS, save a little exhaustion int he days leading up to my period. Those were the good old days. The days where I didn't own a heating pad and definitely had no need for one. I managed to catch about 45 minutes of rest before Paul came strolling to the living room ready to leave for work with all his chains and prison guard garb dangling around in a raucous. I finally broke down and took a half dose of Excedrin at nearly 5am. Although it did help to ease the pain, I then had nagging thoughts that wouldn't allow sleep to wash over me.

As most anyone would know who reads my blog, Haley is gone with her father for the holiday break until January 5th. Yesterday, I called her father's phone, answered by his ever sweet girlfriend, who informed me that Haley had gone out to lunch with sperm donor's mother. She was supposed to call me back within an hour. That hour came and passed with no call. I called back later in the day, sure that it had just been an oversight and no big deal. Well, then there was no answer. So, I left a message. Yet, still there has been no call back. This leaves me worried, to say the least. I have the uncanny feeling that my daughter is miserable. She wants to come home and they don't want her to talk to me yet because they know that she will tell me exactly what is going on. Those fuckers. However, I could be incredibly wrong in my thinking. Somehow, my momma gut is kicking in and telling me otherwise. I think I'm right in my thinking, and will continue to think I'm right until I hear Haley tell me that she's having fun there. There is a nag that won't let me sleep. Then, my mind wanders to what shit I'm going to have to go through with the court system to resolve this problem. What great flaming hoops they'll have me jump through and in which ridiculous costume? Please imagine my fat ass in one of those tight little unitards asscheeks but half clad in sequins and the rest hanging out for the world to count the ass dimples. Don't forget in this vision to include the barely there breasts smashed flat in the overly tight attire and the rolls of back fat that undoubtedly will be impossible to conceal in that shiny little number. Oh, oh, and then there are the thighs, and you know I only shave to just above the use you're imagination. Bikini line...oh lord, the bikini I have an afro wig shoved into the crotch of that leotard....

Back to the story now that you have a full picture of what the court makes you do to get anything done....

Now, I'm just pissed off. I'm all in a rage and I swear on all that is Holy....if my phone doesn't ring today I am going to beat the living shit out of SOMEONE. Then, just for kicks, I'll call sperm donor's mother and give her a piece of my mind too. She's oh so fun, barrel of laughs kinda fun, to scream at. Besides, she takes all my threats seriously and actually calls him and his girlfriend and let's them have it. And if that really doesn't work....sperm donor's grandmother will be next on the list because she loves me dearly to this day, and she's one tough old bitch who will never let anyone hear the end of it if I call her bitching. And last, but not least, then I'll put on my sparkly outfit, jump through flaming hoops, and really get him in a whole shit storm of paper work and court dates. This mother is NOT to be fucked with especially when I have PMS!!

How's that for being a "fucking cunt," Jeremy?

By the way....on the phone the other day he thought himself terribly witty by calling me a "fucking cunt," repeatedly. I mean, does he think he's the first person to call me that? God, no. He can't really be that stupid. Can he? I mean, I am a fucking cunt, but I don't think that's a news flash to anyone and certainly not to me! He's so brilliant....I mean, brilliantly ignorant that it's entertaining. I hope he sees padded walls and men in white coats just once in his life....and if there is a God, I will be there to watch them drag him off.

Clomid Confessions

Cycle day one has come. The evil that is known so fondly as Aunt Flow is chomping at the bit and ready to go. She brought along her usual baggage of cramps and back ache. How dare she bring so much shit with her?!?

Anyways, now that she has arrived, I will soon be starting clomid. Yay, or umm, not so yay. Because clomid is the worst medication on the face of the earth. It was put here to drive infertiles mad with rage. Ever wonder why a childless woman kills her husband? Clomid. It was all the clomid. I promise you that it was a clomid induced rage. I know that in approximately 4 days I will want to rip Paul's face off and pour salt on the wounds, just for my own amusement. Hell, I haven't even started the clomid and I'm entertaining the thought. No, not really, but it would be funny if I really was thinking about doing that! Laugh. Go ahead, it's okay to laugh.

So, I'm curious as to what sick, demented, and wondrous ideas I will come up with once I actually start this higher dose of clomid? It remains to be seen kids, but I assure you, they will be fun!! Painfully fun. Muahahaha. For Paul that is, and maybe if I'm in a deliciously clomid induced psychotic mood, the dog and the kid will be included.

I should write a "Clomid Confessions" book. I think it would be a top seller. Kinda like chicken soup for the soul, only much darker. Women can confess the most morbid thoughts that they entertained while on the drug and we'll put the best, and most disgusting ones in the book! I mean, every woman who is wanting to go on clomid surely would buy a copy and with infertility rates rising daily, or rather women who think they are infertile at age 22 and trying for a total of 4 months. I'll be a millionaire in a month!! Now, to find a publisher....

Dec 28, 2007

It's Twins!

Not my twins, but Lisa's. I mean what better gift after having been infertile for two years then to get two for the price of one? I'm excited for her. Even moreso, I'm scared for her. A multiple's pregnancy can be complicated and long and scary, filled with ups and downs. I think that her and her babies will be just fine with good medical staff. At 6 weeks she has a long way to go, but everything looks great right now. Little Baby A and little Baby B are strong and as healthy as they can be at this point, with nice strong heartbeats of 106 and 103 respectably. Those may sound low to some of you, but in the early days of a beating heart, those are actually normal healthy heartbeats. I am praying for her that everything goes well, and uncomplicated as it can be. I'm hoping she can carry to term and deliver vaginally and have two very healthy bouncing babies because, what better outcome can you hope for than that? She and her husband are both still in shock at this point, but it will sink in soon enough. When she's 12 weeks pregnant and looks 6 or 7 months pregnant, then it will all seem real. After she sees her little ones growing every month via ultrasound, then it will finally sink in for her and her husband. I actually think I detected a little note of excitement in her husband's voice on the phone. He seemed like "wow!" I hope he's still wowing in 8 months when they have two newborns at home wanting to be fed and changed. ;)

Love ya Lisa. Take care of yourself. You're eating for 3.....

Dec 27, 2007

Bravery? No way, Mom!

So, I've had an interesting few days.

Haley has gone off to spend 10 days with the sperm donor. She was terribly upset at the thought of going. She didn't want to be brave, she just wanted to stay home. I kept reminding her that there would be presents there and she had an answer for that, too. "Nobody there will get any presents because they're all bad." Can't argue with that too much, can I? I won't. I think she's right and I have always been honest with Haley about most things in her life with the exception of Santa Clause and where babies come from. I have to sit her down sometime in the next year to explain where babies really do come from. Her bio-dad and his unwed girlfriend tried to tell her something along the lines of "When God knows that you are ready for a baby..." I squashed that fairly quickly. God, if you believe in that, only put one baby anywhere and that was Jesus into the virgin Mary. All other babies are strictly the product of free will. Or else "When God thinks you're ready for a baby...." and we'd have all kinds of knocked up virgins and no pregnant 13 year olds. Now, don't get me wrong, babies are miracles, I just don't think they are that brand of miracle. Speaking of the sperm donor and his girlfriend, they are having their baby sometime in the next month. Another bastard child to roam the Earth. Another child he won't pay child support for once she realizes what a fucking idiot he is and gets her child as far away from him as possible. I'm not jealous though, oh no, with any hope now that he'll have a son, he'll leave MY daughter alone. Let her live her life with her mommy and daddy and quit trying to be a father 6 weeks out of the year. I'll even let him get away with not paying his child support. If he continues to be a thorn in my asshole, then I'll keep complaining that he doesn't pay so he can keep on going back to court to explain why he is a deadbeat. Haley, too, is not at all pleased at the prospect of having a brother, regardless of the fact that he'll live more than 3 hours away. She's pushing hard for me to have a baby though. Kids are weird.

On a side note, I've had a couple days of nausea, which has me wondering. I am pretty late in my cycle. However, I think it could be due to some sinus drainage and nothing to worry about. I guess we will see in a few days. My period should be here by the first of the year. No later.

Dec 26, 2007

Stupid Uterus

I think that my period is dutifully on it's way. I'm ready to start my clomid and I am in no mood to wait around on my period to start, especially if it decides to be a couple weeks late. It wouldn't be uncommon for me to have a 45 day cycle, but I'm really hoping for a 32 day cycle this go around. I can probably even deal with a 35 day cycle, but any longer than that, and I'll have to go all kung fu on my uterus and kick it's ever loving ass. Stupid uterus, anyways, what's it done for me lately?

Dec 22, 2007

Some Holiday Cheer

"Santa paints his whole body with invisible paint and that's why nobody can see him when he comes on Christmas."

There you have it.

The answer to every child who wonders why they never see Santa on Christmas.

Of course, that's just Haley's account of things.

Dec 17, 2007

Optimism Facing The Beast

I fnd myself, today, quite optimistic. I have a wonderful feeling that 2008 is going to be my year to finally find myself pregnant. I will start my clomid in January, or even maybe on the last few days of December. What a wonderful way to send off 2007--with all the hope that 2008 is going to be better. Usually, I don't really make a big deal of a new year rolling in. I make pointless resolutions knowing that I won't follow through. That's about it. Sometimes, I don't even bother to make the resolutions at all. I think this year my resolution is to be a more patient mother, a more understanding, loving wife, and my final resolution is to get pregnant in 2008. Whether the baby is born in 2008 or 2009 is of no consequence. 2008 is preferred, obviously, but 2009 is fine with me too! There just seems to be something in me that KNOWS this is the year. That, and the fact that my couple of psychic readings say so. I know--I'm a whack job to believe in psychics. Don't judge. If the psychic's were right or very near to right--I will let you all know! The one psychic was dead on in predicting my friend Lisa's pregnancy. So, I do have some faith in it. Only time will tell though!

I can simply feel that 2008 is going to be great!

Dec 12, 2007

Lisa's Pregnant!

A great friend of mine, Lisa, found out that she was pregnant! I am completely overjoyed for her and her husband. Lisa, like me, has struggled a very long time with secondary infertility. For the last 2 years, we have been infertile together. The emotions following her telling me that she had just gotten a positive pregnancy test were as follows:

First, complete and utter joy. How can you be anything less than ecstatic for a friend who has been trying to have a baby for so long? It was full out though. My heart was beating a million miles a minute and I started shaking. You would have thought that I had found out I was pregnant!! It was quite comical. Then, my phone died. Ugh. Stupid phone.

So, as I sat there on AIM talking to Lisa, it hit me. The realization. You know--THE realization. The one where you go "Oh my God! Now, I'm the ONLY one left in our forum group who has not yet conceived baby number two." As a matter of fact, one of my forum girls is pregnant with baby number three and several others are ready to start trying for number three. And here I sit--infertile as all get out. Woohoo for me. Even though I was at that time ready to have my pity party, it still didn't stop me from being so happy for Lisa. It's a weird conflicting emotion to be a miserable infertile, and still rejoice that another infertile has officially overcome all the obstacles and gotten herself pregnant. So, I went and laid down in bed with Paul and had a good half hour talk and a good hard cry. Paul pissed me off cracking jokes, trying to elicit a smile from me. It didn't work. He's a man. I suppose it's in his genetic structure to be assanine.

I had my pity party. I didn't deny myself a single tear that I needed to get out. I let it flow. I didn't cry because I was upset that she is pregnant. I cried for me, for myself. I cried because I grievously miss my fertility. I cried because I am now the outcast. The single infertile left in a group of 12 or so women, most of whom conceived easily and without much trying. I cried because I have invested so much into trying to get pregnant including painful procedures, surgery, thousands upon thousands of dollars in doctor's appointments, pregnancy tests, ovulation tests, vitamins, name it and I've invested in it. Three years of my life is invested into getting pregnant. Yes, next month will hit the three year mark for us. I may have another pity party that day, I can't say yet, but I may. The journey to becoming a parent for a second time has been almost more than I can bear, yet, I always seem to press on, to put on a smile, to be brave, to be positive. Today, I don't feel like I can be positive any more. I fear that infertility has dealt the blow that broke me. Three years. Jesus. That's somethin'. Then the calm hit. All in a moment, I was okay again. I'm still not whole, not complete without another baby, but for now, I'm okay.

So, I got back on AIM with Lisa. The phone was anticipatedly perched upon the charger awaiting it's next call. I convinced Lisa to post her test on the forum, although I think she is scared that it's going to be some kind of jinx. I don't think so. I think she's finally going to get her take home baby. Then, she expressed her guilt. She felt guilty telling me, felt guilty posting on the forum without first getting my permission. What a wonderful, precious friend to be so caring. However, her guilt is not necessary. I was really eager for her to post her picture and announce her pregnancy. I wanted to be the first one to congratulate her. I am not jealous of her or her pregnancy. I am just purely happy for her and her family. Most especially happy that I have such a great friend who is going to be blessed with another little one to pitter patter around the house. My heart still aches for my own little one, and my heart has ached for the last two years for her to have a little one. So, today, my ache is less, and for that I'm grateful.

To my wonderful friend, Lisa, if she should wander by to read this...
You and I have been through some rough times together. I am so excited for you, your family, and the new little one that you will be bringing into this world in a short 9 months. Please, do me the favor of enjoying your pregnancy, cherishing every minute, and not feeling guilty. I have prayed too many prayers for you, for them all to go unanswered. It's your time to shine so show off that pregnant glow! Do not let a minute of guilt even enter into your thoughts. I am glad that I didn't get pregnant before you. You know that. I said I'd go last. That sticks out so clearly in my mind, that I figure God kept it in my memory for a reason. I am a woman who sticks to her word. I'll probably be magically fertile now. If I am, I'll owe it all to you and your pregnancy. LOL Take care of that baby!

Dec 8, 2007

Heaven Help Me!!!!

OMG the mess!!! Haley destroyed the house this morning! Here I am, sick with the flu she brought home from school, and she's busy destroying the house! The kid must have woken up at 6am to do this much damage! She poured salt all over the floor, poured glitter all over the floor, and for some reason she had eggs out of the fridge!! I mean...c'mon kid! Cut your poor sick mother a break! What was she thinking? This picture here to the right is a small box of some craft stuff we keep in the house filled with glue, glitter, some construction paper, foam sheets, pipe cleaners. I don't even want to know HOW she got this down from the closet, but she did! And so goes the mess in the rest of the livingroom and kitchen. Here are a few pictures to document this adventure.....

Oh look, what's that? Those are 3 kool-aid packets! Oh wait, excuse me, one is hawaiian punch, which is even worse with it's extra super dooper mega redness. And, what did Miss Haley do with the red kool-aid you ask...

The one on the left there, that's the dog's food bowl. The best I can tell, the dog needed some kool-aid syrup. She didn't add enough water to make it anything more than that! The one on the right there, yup, that's my CARPET. As I'm sure you can tell, that isn't her kool-aid syrup straight on the carpet. I can't really say what happened before I woke up, but I can most certainly tell you that she attempted to clean that mess up! It's soaking wet and she had several rags out. Talk about mom being NOT HAPPY!! I can deal with alot of messes, but this is just beyond even my comprehension. Even all these hours later, I still don't think that it has fully sunk in yet. I did put some cleaner on that red spot and now you can hardly see it, but it's still there. I will have to go get something that gets red out.

These pictures don't even cover the mess in the kitchen! Salt all over the floor in there and more than it's share of red droplets all over. Then, she salted the arm of the couch and the floor beneath that. Maybe later on today, or even tomorrow, I will post the rest of the pictures of this atrocity! Heaven help me!!!!!!!

Dec 6, 2007

The Road to Reading

Haley, Paul, and I have officially finished reading aloud the first installment of the Harry Potter series. I, of course, have already read them, but they are new to both Paul and Haley. What made the decision to read her the books was her desire to see the movies. Even I, do not see a movie based on a book without first having read the book. Even if that means missing the movie in theatres. What seems most amazing to me is Haley's mouth foaming desire now, not for the movie, but for the next book. It's great to see her so in love with a story that I too have lavished in. I have to say, I was quite proud of Paul, who had been thus far quite resistant to even the notion of reading a kid's book all by himself, but read aloud, with more enthusiasm than expected. His best moment was during the announcing of quidditch matches. He read it like a true sports announcer, with only a few pauses to stop and snicker at the dialogue. He would have made a spectacular sports announcer! He even once threatened to read ahead without her since he was enjoying the book so much, if she didn't behave herself. I, of course, was in total I told you so mode. Everyone loves the story of Harry Potter, young and old alike. I knew he'd like it too, if I could just get him to pick up the stinkin' book and give it a try! Now, we have to go rent the movie for Haley as her reward for finishing the book. Paul and I have both already seen the movie, but for her it will be a new adventure. Hopefully, an advanture that will make her want to read more often. I hope that I can instill my love of books in her. I would love someday to discuss some of the great novels with her.

I, meanwhile, have read The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Two Towers over the last few weeks. I had always been very resistant to reading them as I once remember a girl in one of my high school classes telling me that it was a difficult read with alot of old language in it. Then, the movies came out, and "What the Hell!" everyone that I knew had atleast read The Hobbit. Well, I finally broke down and decided it was time to read them all. Keeping true to my word, I have not seen the movies. I have one book left in the series, and after that, I told Paul that I would very much like to just sit for a whole weekend and enjoy the movies. Preferrably, a weekend when Haley won't be running about distracting me. I have really enjoyed them up to this point, and can see already that they are a book series that I wouldn't mind reading again. I have a feeling that they are the types of books that you miss alot of details the first go through, and would pick up alot of minor details that pertain to future events in the books with a second read. I don't really have any prospects for future reads just yet. I suppose that I should come up with a few ideas as I am planning a trip to the library tomorrow to pick up Haley's new book. Any suggestions from anyone? I particularly like books of a series if anyone has any suggestions...

Dec 3, 2007

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut

Sometimes you feel like a nut,
Sometimes you don't.
Almond Joy's got nuts,
Mounds don't.

For Christ's sake, I can't get that little jingle out of my head!! Do they even play that stupid song on TV anymore? Have they played it on TV in the last 10 years? If so, I cannot recall having seen it since the mid-90's. How in the hell did I get that stuck in my head? Last night, I had a similar problem, only the slogan stuck in my head was:


Yes, you got it right, as in Chia Pets. Who invented those dumbass marvels of the plant world anyways? The bigger problem with chia pets is that they have been around since the stone age. Who the fuck buys those things? How have they stayed in business for so long? I mean, Haley wants one, but she's five. She wants everything she sees on TV so she doesn't count. I can just see tomorrow's slogan.

Clap on! Clap off! *clap clap* The Clapper!!!

I'm losing my marbles over here. I think it's getting worse every year. I mean, have you noticed what good music they are playing at the grocery store these days?

Someone smack me. Now. Please.

Do me a favor, anyone who reads this shit hole of a blog, tell me your favorite slogans. Let's see what weird shit you people have floating around in your heads. C'mon. I don't want to be the only asshole in cyberspace...

We're Pregnant