Jan 31, 2008

Conflict and Confusion

I started this post entirely different and now that I've deleted it several times, I still seem at a loss for exactly how to express all the feelings in my heart tonight. They are conflicting and confusing to say the least, but I'll give it a shot.

Let's start with today's pregnancy update as that's the easiest. Today, I went for an official urine test at the women's center. It was, of course, positive. I had a moment while peeing in the cup where I thought, "What would I do if they said it was negative?" I know that the likelihood of it coming back negative without any spotting or miscarriage beforehand would be slim. I feel like my hCg numbers are too high for that now, but it still didn't stop the thought from crossing my mind. I find myself still utterly terrified that something will go wrong. Along with that fear is the detachment. I am too afraid to believe it. I am too afraid to let myself be genuinely happy. Of course, I am happy, it's just a detached sort of happy and I keep finding myself adding "...if everything goes well" when I tell someone that I am pregnant. I hope that there comes a time when I won't feel like I need to add that on there. I hope there comes a time when I can just sit back and dream of all things baby and not be worried that this pregnancy is just a dream. I keep telling myself the same things that I have told other friends who have gotten pregnant after infertility which is, "just be happy for each day that you have with your baby. If things don't work out, then atleast you enjoyed every minute of it, and if things do work out then you will be happy that you didn't spend all your time worrying in the beginning." I know that this is true. There is no doubt in my mind about it, but it only eases the fear a little. I can't seem to talk about these fears with Paul as much as I'd like to because I'm too terrified to utter the words loss or miscarriage aloud these days. He seems confident and that helps me alot. He is so very ready to be a dad and I can't help but smile when he talks about the baby or "when the baby gets here". It's so adorable. I love my husband so much!

The second thing that I wanted to talk about is how I'm feeling in my online world of infertiles. In my opinion, I am still an infertile. I'm just a pregnant infertile. Oxy-moron? YES! I know the pain of infertility. I don't think that anything in this world could make me forget that pain, that longing, that emptiness. I can't forget the journey that seemed like an eternity just because I got pregnant. I feel like I don't fit in with pregnant women who are so confident and naive; who think that everything will go smoothly and they will deliver a perfect 7 pound baby in 9 months. I know that things don't always go that way. Sometimes, pregnancy doesn't mean you will get to take home a baby. I also feel like I don't fit with my infertile friends. I try. They try too. I know how it hurts though. I know that somedays for them it's easy for them to be genuinely happy for me and my pregnancy. However, I know that somedays they probably look at that ticker in my signature and wish that they didn't have to see it anymore. It's easier to be happy when a fellow infertile ends up pregnant, but it doesn't mean that it's ALWAYS easy. I have been in their shoes. I can understand. They could tell me to take my pregnant ass and go far away and it wouldn't hurt my feelings. I know their pain, and I understand it. I understand that somedays to look around and feel like everyone is pregnant, like they are surrounded by babies....it's difficult to say the least. Other days, everything is fine. Infertility is not only a hard long journey, but it is an emotional rollercoaster. I feel like trying to be supportive to them is like rubbing my pregnancy in their face. I won't feel guilty for being pregnant because that's what we're all trying to achieve, but that doesn't mean that my heart doesn't break everyday because they aren't pregnant right along side of me.

To my infertile girls out there: Love ya all and I'm praying for each and every one of you to finally get that baby!

To my pregnant girls out there: Many prayers for healthy, happy, and smooth pregnancies and deliveries.

Jan 29, 2008

Dumbass Doctors And One Maybe Good One

Well, as I may or may not have mentioned before, I have already set up my first prenatal visit with a doctor's office. We thought about it over the weekend. We decided that we'd like to have the baby at the hospital in Michigan City instead of the hospital here. So, I called the hospital and got the names of some of the best doctors. I, then, tried to call all three of these doctors (during normal business hours even!), and got NO ANSWER at any of the offices. I was shocked. How can three different doctors all take the same day off or whatever was going on. They had answering machines, sure, but where the hell is a bitchy receptionist when you need one? Come on doc's! Get your shit together.

So, after all the hullaballoo that ensued afterwards and my panic attack. I decided that I'll stay with the same doctor that I called in the first place. Afterall, I was genuainely impressed when I called that a doctor answered my questions and the receptionist called me back very quickly with the answer! The doctor even said that I could come in early if I wanted to and, in my book, that a huge plus! Most doctors are such assholes anymore. It's increasingly hard to find a doctor who truly cares about their patients these days. So, I am hoping that this doctor is the right one for me, for our baby, and as far as it all goes--she's going to have to be right for Paul too because we all know how he hates having a weirdo look at his vagina!

Jan 27, 2008

It's sinking in...

I think that I have now finally come to the realization that I am REALLY pregnant. This isn't some sick mind trick, it's really real. I have now gone well beyond my normal luteal phase length and today marks 17dpo.

If you go by my ovulation date, then baby's due date will be October 2, 2008.

If you go by my last period, then baby's due date will be October 5, 2008.

For the time being, I am going by my last period, since that is what most doctor's will go by in the early weeks of a pregnancy. With the due date of October 5, I am 4 weeks pregnant today! It's good to finally be where most women are when they first find out that they are pregnant. I have known now for nearly a week and I'm just now 4 weeks. Time is going too slowly already!! This is going to be a very long 9 months of waiting on this little one to get here.

I underestimated Haley's reading skills recently and she saw the digital pregnancy test and figured things out pretty quickly once she read the word "pregnant" on there! She is very excited already and can't wait to have a brother or sister (although she wants a sister more). She keeps asking when we'll know if it's a boy or girl and we keep telling her that it's going to be a very long time before we get to find out. Of course, we weren't planning on telling her this early, but since she found out then we had to have the talk with her about how sometimes baby's don't grow right and sometimes, even when you are pregnant, it doesn't mean you have a baby at the end of everything. She was okay with that so I think if something were to go wrong that she'd be able to handle being told about it too.

So, I'm finally letting myself believe this pregnancy, and I believe that this pregnancy will be a successful one too! We picked out names already so we will be ready by the ultrasound that will tell us a gender to give this baby a name! For now, it's just "the baby". Maybe we should come up with a gender neutral nickname for this little bean until we get a few more months into this and can give him or her a proper name.

Jan 24, 2008

Still Doesn't Seem Real

I am really enjoying the carefree excitement of knowing I'm pregnant, even though it doesn't quite seem real to me yet. In a normal cycle, I wouldn't be due for my period for nearly another week. I am 14dpo today. No real symptoms of early pregnancy, except for extremely sore breasts and very sore nipples that feel raw and rug-burned. Ouch!! I tested again yesterday and the lines were atleast twice as dark as the day before so I'm sure that the hCg is rising appropriately. I called for my first doctor's appointment too. They typically do the first appointment at 9 weeks, but the doctor was very sweet and offered that I could come in earlier than that if I wanted. Believe it or not, I opted to just go along on a normal schedule. No beta's to worry about. No early ultrasounds to stress over. I will just be a normal pregnant woman for another month! At my first appointment on March 4th she will also do my first ultrasound. I will be far enough along to see a good heartbeat and make sure that the baby is growing on schedule. I think that will be the best way to start things off--stress free! Of course the doctor said that if I have any problems or spotting to call right away and they would get me in for an early ultrasound and such. They seem very welcoming to a new patient and I was very surprised at the doctor's offer to see me early if I wanted. That is just the type of doctor that I need since I'm sure later in the pregnancy I'll have many concerns!!

Paul bought me a week-by-week pregnancy book and a pregnancy journal. He spent alot of time reading the info in both. I was very impressed. He is so interested in what is going on now and what is to come in the weeks ahead. I think that he will be very attentive as I progress in the pregnancy. I couldn't have a better husband!! I love him so much!!

Jan 22, 2008

Success at 12dpo!

The Barren Bride is barren no more!! Today, at 12 dpo, success! I had a hint of a line on a dollar store test so I had to get a name brand test to confirm/deny with. So, I got a 2 pack of Answer tests and the line started coming up within 1 minute. We are so happy, but still in a bit of disbelief. After the last 3 years of struggling to get past infertility to now being pregnant is a strange feeling indeed. I don't fit in with my infertile friends and I don't fit in with my fertile friends either. I'm a pregnant infertile--how the hell did that happen? I'm actually finding it hard to even admit that I am pregnant....I do very much believe the stick and I am confident that it will be a successful pregnancy, but to actually say it, type it, or allow myself to be happy about it is another thing completely. I'm hoping that I can warm up to it in a few days--maybe once I'm actually late for my period or when the first assault known as morning sickness hits. I think I'll allow myself to believe it then. For anyone who may come across this blog who has had a child after infertility....where do you fit and how did you come to accept your pregnancy as being real?

Jan 20, 2008

I am 10 dpo

Well, today I'm 10dpo. I'm sick as a dog and have been the last 2-3 days now. It started slow and yesterday was horrible. All I did all day was lay around on the couch for a good portion of the day and was so tired that getting up didn't even seem like an option. I think I'd have been better off if I'd have been able to get some coffee, but no dice there since we were out of coffee filters. So, Paul got home and wasn't feeling well either so he pretty much went straight to bed. I finally got myself up and went to Kroger at 9:30 last night to get some cold meds and some coffee filters. I couldn't stand another day like I had yesterday. Well, the Nyquil really helped me sleep well and I feel alot better this morning after taking my dose of DayQuil. I'm slathered up like a greased pig with Vicks and I can breathe a little bit!! Woohoo!! The coffee seems to be helping to break some of this up too.

On the fertility front-my temp plummeted today. Could be bad or it could be good. I'm hoping it's good since I've never had a temp drop this early or AF this early either! I'm trying to make sense of it all and here is all that makes sense to me. With my miscarriage I was having wicked morning sickness atleast 5 days before my period was due. I'm not due for my period (on a regular schedule) for 10 more days. Maybe I ovulated very early with that pregnancy and that's why I was so sick? This cycle of clomid I ovulated at cycle day 12 which is SUPER EARLY for me. It would be plausible to get a positive pregnancy test in the next couple of days and to get morning sickness before my period was even due. Can you see how I'm stressing and driving myself crazy with this shit?

Anyways....speaking of mornining sickness...my stomach isn't feeling so hot right now. LOL Not from morning sickness, but from the drainage that's coming along with this cold!! After the cold is gone and I'm throwing up we can all celebrate!!

Jan 18, 2008

The One Week Wait

Now it seems that I'm down to one week left til test time. Woot! Woot! I am 8dpo today. I couldn't temp this morning because I woke up at 3:30am and was in the thick of a hot flash, had to pee and really really needed to take something for my cough. Without even thinking of temping, I got up and went to the bathroom and took a lil something for the cough. I can tell you that it's not working at all. I think I've got a sinus infection that's draining into my lungs. Yay. So, it feels like I've got a upper respiratory infection now too. To top it ALL off, my ear is hurting this morning too! Hopefully, I can get past this before it gets to be an ear infection. Once Haley is off to school maybe I'll try to get a nap and that way maybe I'll be able to get a temp of some kind for my chart (as unreliable as it may be).

I just feel like boiled crap though and I hope I can kick this soon!! It's going to be test time and how can I celebrate my BFP if I'm hacking up a lung and sniffling? Stupid cold.

To really make things great--it's going to be freezing here this weekend. On Saturday we are going to have a high temp of 11. Yes, 11 degrees, the HIGH. The low will be in the single digits and the wind chill will be negative! Brr. Screw all of this bad Indiana weather. I'm moving to someplace warm!

Jan 14, 2008

Two Week Wait

So it seems that I find myself in the two week wait, bored as can be, nothing to do, and wishing that I knew for sure when I ovulated. After today's temp, it's no clearer than it was yesterday. We'll see if I get yet another positive OPK. I had some spotting last night. Very light and mixed with CM. It was only there when I wiped. I think that must be ovulation spotting. Right? Well, I don't know how long it takes for ovulation spotting to work it's way out, but it seems a little late if I truly am 4dpo. I guess it shouldn't matter. We covered all our bases when it came to the sex part of thing. ;-) I think I'm more anxious about my ovulation date because that'll tell me when to expect aunt flo and when I can possibly test and expect a truthful response out of the pee stick. It's close already to testing time and I find I'm more apprehensive than excited. I am, (how you say?) weirded out by the fact that this could actually work. I've spent the last 3 years of life being the pissed off infertile. Really. How can you be the pissed off infertile if you get pregnant? LOL Of course, I'm joking. I want nothing more than to be pregnant, but I'm still scared of what the answer will be. If it's negative, of course, I'll be crushed. If it's positive, I'll probably be in such a state of shock that I'll cry just like it were negative. And then comes the worrying about the pregnancy and miscarriage and over analyzing ever twinge near the abdominal area thinking that it all means that something is wrong. Am I ready for that? Absolutely! :-)

So....about 10 days until testing...

Jan 13, 2008

Ovulation---I think?!?

It seems that I have finally ovulated. Fertility Friend says 3 days ago, but I think it was just yesterday. I haven't done the override on my chart yet. I'm hoping that after a few more temps it will straighten itself out without my help. We definitely covered ourselves on the BD without a doubt! I felt like crap the last 3 days with bouts of nausea (maybe from being close to O?) and today I feel much better. Most of the awful cramps are gone and I don't feel as bloated as I have for the past week. I have high hopes that this month is going to turn out with a positive result and I'm just concentrating on staying calm and relaxed in the 2ww. It's not worth freaking out during the next two weeks only to get a big fat negative! So, I'll stay as calm as possible and if it's positive that'll be a BONUS!!

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers for the next couple of weeks!!

Jan 9, 2008

In Your Face, Mindy!!

Well, another friend is pregnant. Maybe this is the clomid talking, but I'm angry and I'm upset. There is more to it all than JUST that she is pregnant. I'm happy for her that she is getting the THIRD baby that she wants. I think it just falls right into the category of being insensitive how it was announced. No, I won't make apologies for being upset or angry at the way things have been handled. Those are my true feelings on the matter, so it's better that it's known. I think it's definitely time for a break from one of my forums. It's so very obvious that nobody takes into consideration my feelings or what I go through every week, every month and every year since very few of them can even relate to any of it and several don't even try...

Jan 7, 2008

Cycle Day 9: Mission Ovulation

Okay so now I'm done with the clomid and feeling much better. I can feel my ovaries fairly well at this point, but that was to be expected since it was the same way on 50mg. However, today, the evening headache set in. I'm hoping that the headaches won't be as bad as last time on clomid, but I'm prepared. They will only last a couple of days, so I can handle that. It makes it alot easier this time around with Haley at school. Atleast when she's gone, I can catch a nap if I need to. I figure that I'll ovulate by cycle day 15. On 50mg I ovulated by my cycle day 15 ultra sound and assume that I ovulated on day 14 or very early morning hours of day 15. Either way, that egg was gone by the time the doc took a look. I'm hoping for similar results this time around. I'll start the ovulation strips tomorrow. I can't even begin to fathom ovulating earlier than day 14. Hell, I couldn't believe ovulating on day 14 or 15 before! It makes the cycle so short that it feels like it was barely there at all!! It cuts off about a week or so from what I am normally used to and lately I've begun getting accustomed to even longer cycles. The last cycle I had that lasted 40+ days, I didn't even test!! I just waited. LOL I didn't feel pregnant so I figured that there was no way. I was right, of course, so it was better that I waited. I hope that I can be as patient now that I am on something. It's so easy to over analyze and just get crazy wanting to test all the time and stuff. I don't want to go there because it just makes it so much harder when AF shows up!!

Jan 3, 2008

Mission Day 3: Operation Clomid

We have now officially made our way half way through this sweaty rainforest of hot flashes and I see the light!!! Two more days and this operation will be over, but that won't complete the mission. The rest of the mission is as follows:

CD 7- Complete Operation Clomid
CD 8- Begin our track due South while waiting on Mission Ovulation to begin. We will know that we are close to achieving our objective by testing the waters for deadly LH surges in the water ways leading out of the area.
CD 13-15 - estimated time of arrival at the rendezvous point to complete Operation Ovulation.
Immediately following the completion of Operation Ovulation- commence on Operation Two Week Wait.
CD 24- Operation two week wait will be very slowly trudging on. The men will be nearly insane with hot flashes and hormones. Some men will even be urging me, as captain, to test the outward water ways, to detect the illustrious hCg hormone so common in the area, to see how close we are to the city of Baby Growing in the region of Uterine Lining. However, it will be atleast another 4 days before we are close enough to begin our testing.
CD 28- Begin testing to see how close we are to Baby Growing in Uterine Lining. If negative, keep on the suggested course and test again tomorrow. If test results at any time in the next few days are positive, set course to Freak Out Point and call in your coordinates to the OB/GYN squad.
CD 29- Test again to see how close we are to Baby Growing. If negative test results, keep on the suggested course and test again tomorrow. If positive, see CD 28.
CD 30-Test again to see how lcose we are to Baby Growing. If negative test results, keep on the suggested course and test again tomorrow. If positive, see CD 28.
CD 31-Test again to see how close we are to Baby Growing. If negative test results, keep on the suggested course hoping for a hail mary to save the troop, but expecting Aunt Flow to swoop in and pick off the troop members one by one. If positive, see CD 28.
CD 32- Aunt Flow is due to storm the area and by this time the troop will most likely have already had some sightings of her little dog, Spot. The troop may die a slow death if they even make it this far. God save us all!!!

Jan 2, 2008

Mission Day 2: Operation Clomid

Yesterday, I ran frollicking through fields with blue birds singing on my shoulder because I didn't get a clomid migraine. Ha. Ha. Ha. I was just fine during the day. No problems at all. Then, along came last night and the monster that lives under my bed must have been having a bonfire because I was roasting! Trying like a mad woman to stretch my legs up the wall to find the coolest spot. It would have been marvelously funny to see someone else performing this charade, and I would have had a good laugh at their hot flashed ass expense. However, it wasn't someone else. It was me. I swore that I had been thrown to hell to battle my way out. Comical thinking back on it now, nonetheless. I have enough humor to laugh at my own stupidity.

So, here we find outselves thrust into day 2 of the evil clomid pills. Tonight, I'm betting that monster under the bed is going to install a sauna, have a bigger bonfire, and probably invite some flaming monster friend to join in the fun...

Jan 1, 2008

Happy New Year!

It is now officially 2008. There are times when I really can't believe so many years have passed and New Years Day is undoubtedly when it all comes to light. I can still remember writing 80-something on my schoolwork! It doesn't seem like it was THAT long ago.....does it?

On another note, I will be turning 26 this year. So, I am now officially on birthday strike and have decided that 25 suits me just fine and I plan on staying with it for a few more years. Paul even suggested reverting back to 24, but I somehow think that with enough birthdays I'd end up a teenager again and I don't think Paul would be able to handle that part of me. I was wild! So 25 it will stay. I will forever be immortalized as being in my mid-20's. :)

And on the fertility front--today starts the clomid. Ugh. I'll get through it though. If you pray, pray for me. Pray that I don't mess myself up taking this stuff without a doctor. Pray that it will work. And last, but not least, pray that I won't kill Paul in a clomid rage, the poor man!

That's about it. We're off to a wonderful start in 2008 and I'm hoping that it just keeps getting better from here!

We're Pregnant