On A Brighter Note

Not all is doom and gloom today. Blogger still sucks, but I do have some good news. Today I'm 13 weeks which marks the end of the first trimester. I haven't been able to breathe that sigh of relief yet, but I'm sure it's coming soon. My next doctor's appointment is on Tuesday and we should be able to hear the baby's heartbeat. We've been able to see it twice now, but I've been dying to HEAR it. I don't know why that seems more important than seeing it right now. So, I'm pretty excited for that!!

Only 2 days to wait. What will I do with my time until then?

Nah-uh Blogger Sucks

I like to change up my blog every once in awhile, but blogger makes it so damn difficult to do so. I mean, their choices for templates is shameful, at best. The ones that are out there on the net for free aren't exactly great, although there is a large selection. It can take days to find a suitable skin for your blog. Then, once you've put it all that hard work to make your blog beautiful, what happens? Oh yes, we're going to cancel all your widgets on ya so you have to re-do each and every one of them.

Mother. Fucker.

The Death of Fluffy

So, Paul...erm...I mean, the Easter Bunny, picked out a tiny pink and white stuffed bunny for Haley's Easter basket. Haley has fallen in love with this bunny. She has named it Fluffy.

She did much better with the naming of this stuffed animal than she did last time she named a stuffed animal. Last time was a purple bear that she made at Build-a-Bear Workshop that she named Blue. Yes, she named a purple bear--BLUE! What was she thinkin'?

Anyways...Haley has never been a child who gets attached to things or plays much with dolls or stuffed animals. Until Fluffy. The bunny who rocked our existence.

The minute she got this thing she went to her room and got down all of her doll stuff and all the little diapers that I had gotten over the years as samples or whatever. She wrapped this tiny bunny, up to it's neck, in a diaper. Then she attempted to dress it in clothes made for a small doll, but not for a small bunny. It was quite comical. Later in the day, she then decided that Fluffy needed to go for a whirl in the new baby swing that we've bought. But, oh, then she wanted to get out the high chair and the pack and play. I had to draw a line with that since we just don't have the space at the moment to have all that stuff out and opened. So, she had me rock Fluffy to sleep several times, while singing lullaby's (off key, even!). She actually pretended to breastfeed the stupid bunny. That made me chuckle out loud. Then, when it was bedtime Fluffy needed it's bedtime kisses and to be tucked in with her. It was cute. She's never done anything like that before.

Then, came Monday. The day that Fluffy was to die. Or so says the drama queen formerly known as Haley. She wanted to take Fluffy to school. I said no. She's had problems with a 5th grade boy on the bus stealing her stuff and bullying her. She's also had a problem with losing things that she takes to school. So, I assured her that Fluffy would be much safer at home. She put the bunny in her bedroom and came out with one of those "I'm so pitiful" looks on her face, and the lower lip all puckered out. Then came the tears. Giant, crocodile tears. The sobbing. The wailing.

The next thing I know, I'm picking up her school bag to put some stuff in there that was due back the week before. Oops. And what do I see in her bag? You guessed it--Fluffy. I hate when Haley tries to be sneaky. She rarely gets away with it, but she would have this time if I hadn't had stuff that needed to go back. The little sneak!! Well, I made her return Fluffy to her bedroom. Again, assuring her that Fluffy would be safe at home with me. She insisted that I agree to feed it milk, rock it to sleep, and put it in the swing if it got bored. I, dutifully, agreed, as any mother trying to shut up a six-year-old, would.

Then, as we were walking out the door to catch the school bus. She says to me "Mom, don't let Fluffy die." I said that I wouldn't, but she wouldn't let it go. By the time we got to the bus stop she was again wailing and this time she says "Fluffy is going to diiiiiieeeee while I'm at school. I just know it!!"

She has so much faith in my mothering abilities, huh? I managed to mother her and even keep her alive for the last six years, but apparently, mothering a bunny is a whole new playing field that I am not equipped to handle.

Where Do Babies Come From?

This is Haley's story. It has been, in no way, altered by Paul or I. We have chosen to just let her believe this for now because, well, she's not ready for the birds and the bees. That, and she thinks that "penis" is possibly the funniest word in the human language.

"Mom, getting a baby in you isn't hard. It's pretty easy most of the time. You just go to the baby store, you know Babies 'R Us and pick a baby that you like. I don't think they let you pick if it's a boy baby or a girl baby, but maybe they can't tell which it is because it's so small. Anyways, so you just take the baby to the doctor and they put it in your belly button and then the baby grows in your belly until it's big enough to come out."

Now, this is where it got a little hazy. She didn't know how, exactly, the baby got out. Just that a doctor got it out.

I think this story came into existence while we were seeing the RE. She knew that we were trying to "get a baby in mom's belly" and she knew that it wasn't working for whatever reason. So we told her that the RE was a special doctor who worked with hard cases where the baby just wasn't growing in there.

Since I've become pregnant we have explained a little more to her. She seems to understand quite well. We had to explain about miscarriage because she found out about our pregnancy so early on. She told her teacher all about it, her teacher called me, and asked what we had told her. LOL That was a conversation for the ages! Apparently, she had told her teacher that "my mom has a baby growing in her belly. It's going to be my brother or sister, but we don't know yet because it's too little to see. Sometimes, though, babies don't grow right and they have to go to heaven before they can be born. So, we just have to wait to see if it's growing right." Her teacher assumed that we had experienced a miscarriage, but that Haley was confused by it. No, I told her that we had been trying to have a baby for a very long time and that she found out much earlier than we would have liked that we were pregnant. So, being the proactive parents that we are, we couldn't let her assume that everything always worked out perfectly. We wanted her to know the truth of the early weeks of pregnancy.

Then, we had to explain, exactly, how babies get out of the mom's belly. So, I began this conversation by having Haley watch a couple episodes of A Baby Story on TLC. Wouldn't you know that those two episodes were the bloodiest births, and the loudest screaming birthing mother's I have ever seen! So, then not only was I explaining how babies get out of the belly, then I was explaining why it hurt. Of course, she took it all in stride, and understands that it hurts to have a baby and that's normal and healthy. She's even making plans about how she's going to help me when I'm in labor. LOL She wants to be there, but I'm thinking that she might be a little young for that just yet. Alot young. Maybe when she's 30.

Then came the comment of all comments.

"I think I'll just buy a grown up baby when I want to go to the baby store when I get married."

So, then came the conversation about how Uncle Kenny and Uncle David are adopted and where they came from. How do you explain to a 6 year old that these 2 men who are her favorite people in the world are technically biological brothers to each other, but are adopted into our family? Not only that, how do you explain that they were both born addicted to crack, along with their other 6 or 7 brothers and sisters, the state took away her parental rights, and they were put up for adoption? A hard subject to approach with her. So, we settled for "the mommy who grew them in her belly was very sick, so Bam and Papa adopted them, and they became Daddy's brothers, just like Uncle Pete."

An interesting day indeed....

NT Scan

I think out NT scan went about as well as it could. I think the measurements were good too! Then, the little blood test which is no more than a finger prick and 5 drops of blood. It all went pretty quickly too. I'm so glad we didn't have to sit in the hospital for hours!!

So, it seems my fears were unfounded. The baby was moving so much that the tech was threatening to reschedule the test for a different day when the baby wasn't so active. She was a real bitch, in my opinion.

This u/s was more emotional for both Paul and I. I was teary eyed and so was Paul. I think we were both so scared that what we'd seen on the monitor before was just a dream and they'd tell us that we weren't pregnant or something. As it turns out, we're definitely pregnant! Neither of us were weepy at the first u/s, so it caught us off guard that we were with this one. I think the first one in the doc's office was so exciting and there was so much adrenaline pumping that we just sat there in stunned amazement!

Our little one is looking like a real baby now, so maybe that's what made all the difference. It has long legs with knees and feet. It has fingers now too that you can see pretty clearly. You could tell the movements it made were deliberate to some extent as well. I can't really explain our joy, but it was pure and completely unpolluted with the fear we both normally feel. In that moment, in that darkened room, we could just be totally happy with looking at what will become our baby.

That Nagging Voice

It's 5:30am. I haven't slept a wink. I have my NT testing today. Ironically, I'm not scared of the test or results of that test. I'm scared of the ultrasound. What if that little one's heart is no longer beating? What would I do? How would we cope with it at this point?

I have to believe that everything will be fine, but we're still in the scary part of the pregnancy. We're a few weeks away from the second trimester. I know I'll sigh a long sigh of relief when I reach that point!

I once remember a conversation Paul and I had that went something like this:

Mindy: It's going to be wonderful when I get pregnant. No more worrying about temping, charting, OPK's, HPT's, CM, CP, etc.

Paul: Well, then you'll just worry about the pregnancy and baby

Mindy: No, definitely not. I'm going to enjoy every minute of it because it can all be gone in the blink of an eye. Besides, my problem isn't STAYING pregnant, it's GETTING pregnant. I'll be able to relax once I see two lines on a test.

This conversation took place only months before I actually got pregnant. I was so sure that I would be able to relax and enjoy this. All I've done is worry. The first few weeks were okay, but there was always that little voice in my head telling me that I should do what everyone else does and get the beta's done and the early ultrasounds, but I didn't. Everything was fine at 9 weeks without all of that. Now tonight, all I've done is worry that now that I've calmed a bit and seen our little bean moving around and heart beating away. Suddenly now, the fear that it will all be ripped away from me is so overwhelming that I could nearly choke on it.

When I was pregnant with Haley I worried, but not like this. Once the first trimester came to an end I was confident and glowing and happy with being pregnant. I hope that I can experience that carefree joy of pregnancy again, but somehow it seems out of reach for the moment. Maybe in my long journey to become pregnant I've learned too much. I've read too many women's stories of heartache and pain. I know that getting pregnant is no guarantee that you'll get a baby. Hell, even making the second trimester is no guarantee that you'll bring home a baby. It's all too scary to think about, but it nags my brain anyways.

So, only 3 more hours or so and I'll see what's going on in this uterus of mine.

Until then, I'd like to take a moment to send out my most heartfelt condolences to my friend Joy and her husband RD. This past weekend their pregnancy came to a bitter end at just past the 7 week mark. I really can't imagine going through a miscarriage when it's a baby you want so badly. Please send up a few prayers while they grieve their loss. I know it would be dearly appreciated. It's so hard to wallow in my fear when they are in so much pain and I know they would give a limb to just be in fear over an ultrasound instead of bearing the loss.

Lunacy and Lysol

I'm driving myself nuts. Literally.

While pregnant with Haley, I never got much of the "nesting" everyone talks about. My only concern was having things ready for her: crib, clothes, bottles, etc. This time around seems to be so much different already. How can nesting start in the first trimester? Well, folks, let me tell you- it has!

I have no energy at all and I am nauseous a good portion of everyday, and yet, all I can think about is cleaning. I might lay down with the intention of sneaking a nap, and all I can do is lay there thinking about what I should get up and clean. It's beginning to interfere with normal thought process even. I can't stand it anymore.

The only rational explanation of all of this is that my newest obsession is not only pregnancy related, but also my extra-awful case of spring fever. The two, working in harmony, are driving me mad. I'll be certifiable by early next week, I'm sure of it. The men in white coats will be here to drag me off to my padded room any day now. So, if you don't hear from me for awhile, that's where I'll be: Bellview!!

This is really happening!!!

We had our first prenatal appointment yesterday as well as our first ultrasound to verify fetal heart beat as well as measurements to date the pregnancy. As of yesterday, the baby measures 9 weeks and 4 days. He or she was moving around alot during the ultrasound. It looked like the baby was punching at the ultrasound wand. It was really cute. I can't believe that this is finally happening. I was so scared to go to my appointment, but I'm so glad that I did.

The hospital just called to set up my NT scan to check for down syndrome. So, I'll be going for my scan in 2 weeks. Yay! That means I'll get another peek at this little bean very soon!! I can't wait to see how much he or she will have grown by that time. Then, around 18 weeks we'll have our BIG ultrasound to determine sex! It's all coming so fast now! Seems like I just found out that I was pregnant yesterday!