The (Not So) Barren Bride

I've moved

2008-04-03T15:04:00.003-05:00

Well, since blogger has DONE ME WRONG. Well, not really, but since I hate when everything is interrupted when all I want to do is change my colors.....

My blog has been moved and all posts and comments transferred to:

http://www.barrenbride.wordpress.com/

Please join me there! :)

On A Brighter Note

2008-03-30T12:29:00.002-05:00

Not all is doom and gloom today. Blogger still sucks, but I do have some good news. Today I'm 13 weeks which marks the end of the first trimester. I haven't been able to breathe that sigh of relief yet, but I'm sure it's coming soon. My next doctor's appointment is on Tuesday and we should be able to hear the baby's heartbeat. We've been able to see it twice now, but I've been dying to HEAR it. I don't know why that seems more important than seeing it right now. So, I'm pretty excited for that!!

Only 2 days to wait. What will I do with my time until then?

Nah-uh Blogger Sucks

2008-03-30T11:44:00.003-05:00

I like to change up my blog every once in awhile, but blogger makes it so damn difficult to do so. I mean, their choices for templates is shameful, at best. The ones that are out there on the net for free aren't exactly great, although there is a large selection. It can take days to find a suitable skin for your blog. Then, once you've put it all that hard work to make your blog beautiful, what happens? Oh yes, we're going to cancel all your widgets on ya so you have to re-do each and every one of them.

Mother. Fucker.

The Death of Fluffy

2008-03-25T07:09:00.002-05:00

So, Paul...erm...I mean, the Easter Bunny, picked out a tiny pink and white stuffed bunny for Haley's Easter basket. Haley has fallen in love with this bunny. She has named it Fluffy.

She did much better with the naming of this stuffed animal than she did last time she named a stuffed animal. Last time was a purple bear that she made at Build-a-Bear Workshop that she named Blue. Yes, she named a purple bear--BLUE! What was she thinkin'?

Anyways...Haley has never been a child who gets attached to things or plays much with dolls or stuffed animals. Until Fluffy. The bunny who rocked our existence.

The minute she got this thing she went to her room and got down all of her doll stuff and all the little diapers that I had gotten over the years as samples or whatever. She wrapped this tiny bunny, up to it's neck, in a diaper. Then she attempted to dress it in clothes made for a small doll, but not for a small bunny. It was quite comical. Later in the day, she then decided that Fluffy needed to go for a whirl in the new baby swing that we've bought. But, oh, then she wanted to get out the high chair and the pack and play. I had to draw a line with that since we just don't have the space at the moment to have all that stuff out and opened. So, she had me rock Fluffy to sleep several times, while singing lullaby's (off key, even!). She actually pretended to breastfeed the stupid bunny. That made me chuckle out loud. Then, when it was bedtime Fluffy needed it's bedtime kisses and to be tucked in with her. It was cute. She's never done anything like that before.

Then, came Monday. The day that Fluffy was to die. Or so says the drama queen formerly known as Haley. She wanted to take Fluffy to school. I said no. She's had problems with a 5th grade boy on the bus stealing her stuff and bullying her. She's also had a problem with losing things that she takes to school. So, I assured her that Fluffy would be much safer at home. She put the bunny in her bedroom and came out with one of those "I'm so pitiful" looks on her face, and the lower lip all puckered out. Then came the tears. Giant, crocodile tears. The sobbing. The wailing.

The next thing I know, I'm picking up her school bag to put some stuff in there that was due back the week before. Oops. And what do I see in her bag? You guessed it--Fluffy. I hate when Haley tries to be sneaky. She rarely gets away with it, but she would have this time if I hadn't had stuff that needed to go back. The little sneak!! Well, I made her return Fluffy to her bedroom. Again, assuring her that Fluffy would be safe at home with me. She insisted that I agree to feed it milk, rock it to sleep, and put it in the swing if it got bored. I, dutifully, agreed, as any mother trying to shut up a six-year-old, would.

Then, as we were walking out the door to catch the school bus. She says to me "Mom, don't let Fluffy die." I said that I wouldn't, but she wouldn't let it go. By the time we got to the bus stop she was again wailing and this time she says "Fluffy is going to diiiiiieeeee while I'm at school. I just know it!!"

She has so much faith in my mothering abilities, huh? I managed to mother her and even keep her alive for the last six years, but apparently, mothering a bunny is a whole new playing field that I am not equipped to handle.

Where Do Babies Come From?

2008-03-20T03:00:00.002-05:00

This is Haley's story. It has been, in no way, altered by Paul or I. We have chosen to just let her believe this for now because, well, she's not ready for the birds and the bees. That, and she thinks that "penis" is possibly the funniest word in the human language.

"Mom, getting a baby in you isn't hard. It's pretty easy most of the time. You just go to the baby store, you know Babies 'R Us and pick a baby that you like. I don't think they let you pick if it's a boy baby or a girl baby, but maybe they can't tell which it is because it's so small. Anyways, so you just take the baby to the doctor and they put it in your belly button and then the baby grows in your belly until it's big enough to come out."

Now, this is where it got a little hazy. She didn't know how, exactly, the baby got out. Just that a doctor got it out.

I think this story came into existence while we were seeing the RE. She knew that we were trying to "get a baby in mom's belly" and she knew that it wasn't working for whatever reason. So we told her that the RE was a special doctor who worked with hard cases where the baby just wasn't growing in there.

Since I've become pregnant we have explained a little more to her. She seems to understand quite well. We had to explain about miscarriage because she found out about our pregnancy so early on. She told her teacher all about it, her teacher called me, and asked what we had told her. LOL That was a conversation for the ages! Apparently, she had told her teacher that "my mom has a baby growing in her belly. It's going to be my brother or sister, but we don't know yet because it's too little to see. Sometimes, though, babies don't grow right and they have to go to heaven before they can be born. So, we just have to wait to see if it's growing right." Her teacher assumed that we had experienced a miscarriage, but that Haley was confused by it. No, I told her that we had been trying to have a baby for a very long time and that she found out much earlier than we would have liked that we were pregnant. So, being the proactive parents that we are, we couldn't let her assume that everything always worked out perfectly. We wanted her to know the truth of the early weeks of pregnancy.

Then, we had to explain, exactly, how babies get out of the mom's belly. So, I began this conversation by having Haley watch a couple episodes of A Baby Story on TLC. Wouldn't you know that those two episodes were the bloodiest births, and the loudest screaming birthing mother's I have ever seen! So, then not only was I explaining how babies get out of the belly, then I was explaining why it hurt. Of course, she took it all in stride, and understands that it hurts to have a baby and that's normal and healthy. She's even making plans about how she's going to help me when I'm in labor. LOL She wants to be there, but I'm thinking that she might be a little young for that just yet. Alot young. Maybe when she's 30.

Then came the comment of all comments.

"I think I'll just buy a grown up baby when I want to go to the baby store when I get married."

So, then came the conversation about how Uncle Kenny and Uncle David are adopted and where they came from. How do you explain to a 6 year old that these 2 men who are her favorite people in the world are technically biological brothers to each other, but are adopted into our family? Not only that, how do you explain that they were both born addicted to crack, along with their other 6 or 7 brothers and sisters, the state took away her parental rights, and they were put up for adoption? A hard subject to approach with her. So, we settled for "the mommy who grew them in her belly was very sick, so Bam and Papa adopted them, and they became Daddy's brothers, just like Uncle Pete."

An interesting day indeed....

NT Scan

2008-03-19T05:44:00.002-05:00

I think out NT scan went about as well as it could. I think the measurements were good too! Then, the little blood test which is no more than a finger prick and 5 drops of blood. It all went pretty quickly too. I'm so glad we didn't have to sit in the hospital for hours!!

So, it seems my fears were unfounded. The baby was moving so much that the tech was threatening to reschedule the test for a different day when the baby wasn't so active. She was a real bitch, in my opinion.

This u/s was more emotional for both Paul and I. I was teary eyed and so was Paul. I think we were both so scared that what we'd seen on the monitor before was just a dream and they'd tell us that we weren't pregnant or something. As it turns out, we're definitely pregnant! Neither of us were weepy at the first u/s, so it caught us off guard that we were with this one. I think the first one in the doc's office was so exciting and there was so much adrenaline pumping that we just sat there in stunned amazement!

Our little one is looking like a real baby now, so maybe that's what made all the difference. It has long legs with knees and feet. It has fingers now too that you can see pretty clearly. You could tell the movements it made were deliberate to some extent as well. I can't really explain our joy, but it was pure and completely unpolluted with the fear we both normally feel. In that moment, in that darkened room, we could just be totally happy with looking at what will become our baby.

That Nagging Voice

2008-03-17T05:38:00.004-05:00

It's 5:30am. I haven't slept a wink. I have my NT testing today. Ironically, I'm not scared of the test or results of that test. I'm scared of the ultrasound. What if that little one's heart is no longer beating? What would I do? How would we cope with it at this point?

I have to believe that everything will be fine, but we're still in the scary part of the pregnancy. We're a few weeks away from the second trimester. I know I'll sigh a long sigh of relief when I reach that point!

I once remember a conversation Paul and I had that went something like this:

Mindy: It's going to be wonderful when I get pregnant. No more worrying about temping, charting, OPK's, HPT's, CM, CP, etc.

Paul: Well, then you'll just worry about the pregnancy and baby

Mindy: No, definitely not. I'm going to enjoy every minute of it because it can all be gone in the blink of an eye. Besides, my problem isn't STAYING pregnant, it's GETTING pregnant. I'll be able to relax once I see two lines on a test.

This conversation took place only months before I actually got pregnant. I was so sure that I would be able to relax and enjoy this. All I've done is worry. The first few weeks were okay, but there was always that little voice in my head telling me that I should do what everyone else does and get the beta's done and the early ultrasounds, but I didn't. Everything was fine at 9 weeks without all of that. Now tonight, all I've done is worry that now that I've calmed a bit and seen our little bean moving around and heart beating away. Suddenly now, the fear that it will all be ripped away from me is so overwhelming that I could nearly choke on it.

When I was pregnant with Haley I worried, but not like this. Once the first trimester came to an end I was confident and glowing and happy with being pregnant. I hope that I can experience that carefree joy of pregnancy again, but somehow it seems out of reach for the moment. Maybe in my long journey to become pregnant I've learned too much. I've read too many women's stories of heartache and pain. I know that getting pregnant is no guarantee that you'll get a baby. Hell, even making the second trimester is no guarantee that you'll bring home a baby. It's all too scary to think about, but it nags my brain anyways.

So, only 3 more hours or so and I'll see what's going on in this uterus of mine.

Until then, I'd like to take a moment to send out my most heartfelt condolences to my friend Joy and her husband RD. This past weekend their pregnancy came to a bitter end at just past the 7 week mark. I really can't imagine going through a miscarriage when it's a baby you want so badly. Please send up a few prayers while they grieve their loss. I know it would be dearly appreciated. It's so hard to wallow in my fear when they are in so much pain and I know they would give a limb to just be in fear over an ultrasound instead of bearing the loss.

Lunacy and Lysol

2008-03-06T11:41:00.002-06:00

I'm driving myself nuts. Literally.

While pregnant with Haley, I never got much of the "nesting" everyone talks about. My only concern was having things ready for her: crib, clothes, bottles, etc. This time around seems to be so much different already. How can nesting start in the first trimester? Well, folks, let me tell you- it has!

I have no energy at all and I am nauseous a good portion of everyday, and yet, all I can think about is cleaning. I might lay down with the intention of sneaking a nap, and all I can do is lay there thinking about what I should get up and clean. It's beginning to interfere with normal thought process even. I can't stand it anymore.

The only rational explanation of all of this is that my newest obsession is not only pregnancy related, but also my extra-awful case of spring fever. The two, working in harmony, are driving me mad. I'll be certifiable by early next week, I'm sure of it. The men in white coats will be here to drag me off to my padded room any day now. So, if you don't hear from me for awhile, that's where I'll be: Bellview!!

This is really happening!!!

2008-03-05T12:01:00.002-06:00

We had our first prenatal appointment yesterday as well as our first ultrasound to verify fetal heart beat as well as measurements to date the pregnancy. As of yesterday, the baby measures 9 weeks and 4 days. He or she was moving around alot during the ultrasound. It looked like the baby was punching at the ultrasound wand. It was really cute. I can't believe that this is finally happening. I was so scared to go to my appointment, but I'm so glad that I did.

The hospital just called to set up my NT scan to check for down syndrome. So, I'll be going for my scan in 2 weeks. Yay! That means I'll get another peek at this little bean very soon!! I can't wait to see how much he or she will have grown by that time. Then, around 18 weeks we'll have our BIG ultrasound to determine sex! It's all coming so fast now! Seems like I just found out that I was pregnant yesterday!

Going Stir Crazy

2008-02-29T11:35:00.003-06:00

I am ready to be done with winter. I am sick of snow and cold already. This has been the longest winter EVER! This weather zaps what little energy I do have and just makes me want to hibernate. Even the dog is lazy in winter!

I can't wait for warm weather and sunshine so I can open my windows and get rid of this stale air in here. I don't think I'm going to make it until April or May waiting on some nice days to get here! Help!

Killer Instincts

2008-02-20T08:58:00.003-06:00

It seems like it's been ages since my last blog post. I'm trying my best to keep up with things, but the all day sickness and exhaustion are proving to be a hurtle that even I must lay down under and nap! I don't know what to write about. My mind seems to be stuck on babies and baby stuff and my upcoming doctor's appointment. It's less than 2 weeks away now so it's getting closer! I am excited, but still apprehensive that once I get there something won't be just perfect. I have a list of questions 4 miles long. You'd think that a second time mom wouldn't have so many questions and demands. I mean, I've done this before, it shouldn't be a big deal. Right?

I have to say that once I see this baby on ultrasound I'm sure I'll feel much better. I'll feel even better still if I can hear it's little heart beating.

Paul's mom asked if I had any instinct of whether the baby will be a boy or a girl. I am feeling that it's going to be a boy. However, with Haley, I was wrong. With Haley I think I wanted a boy so badly that the "want" superceded the instinct. This time I don't care if we have a boy or a girl, and yet I'm still thinking boy. Cheri22 said it would be a boy, so maybe she'll be right with the sex like she was right with when I'd get pregnant. A girl can hope!

My husband, My love

2008-02-10T03:30:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, I think my husband is a real ass. Not today though. Today, he not only made dinner, but he also did the dishes and kept Haley entertained while I napped. It was a wonderful day here. It is days like this that make me fall more and more in love with Paul. It is days like this that never let me take my husband for granted.

I think that the pregnancy has finally sunk in with Paul. I think at first that it all seemed too unreal. It was dream-like. I can't imagine what it's like to be a man and not feel anything related to pregnancy, but be expected to believe it. LOL I think it takes a couple weeks to fully sink in. He's keeping track of where I am, when the doctor's appointment is, and reading up on each week of the pregnancy as we get there. He is being absolutely so sweet and wonderful about it all. I couldn't ask for a more supportive husband. I can only imagine how wonderful he will be as the pregnancy progresses and my belly grows. I think he'll take great care of me!

I have to admit that recently I love the way he looks at me. As if pregnancy has made me look different. I can see the love in his eyes and it's such a great feeling when I catch him. He loves that I am pregnant with his baby. The only person who loves that more, is me. I can't wait to share our pregnancy with him. Right now, it's just me and the growing little bean, but I can't wait to share those first kicks and flips of the baby with him. I think that will be a very special moment for both of us- something we will always remember.

This pregnancy has definitely brought something different to our marriage. A strength that can't be described with words. A feeling that transcends the normal spectrum of emotions and nearly brings tears to my eyes. In this moment, I don't think it's possible to love my husband more that I do now. Even though I can't imagine it now, I think I'll love him more once I see him hold our child, nurture and cuddle and love that child. The child that we made, together, out of our love for each other.

Super Sledder and Broke Back Momma

2008-02-01T18:06:00.000-06:00

Well, when school was cancelled today due to the snow, I thought it would make a great sledding day. I love sledding! What I failed to remember is that I haven't been sledding since I hurt my back a couple years ago and also that I'm now pregnant. Duhr!! Get with the program, Mindy!

I am in so much pain that I can't even explain it. To top things off, I can't take any good pain killers and I don't even have any Tylenol in the house. All I have in the cupboard is Motrin and that's off limits. Dang it. Paul should be home in about 20 minutes though so I'm hoping he'll run up and get me some. If he does, I think I'll kiss his talon-like toes (no matter how ill it makes me!).

The most important thing is that Haley had fun. And she did. She was having a blast! We bought her a saucer sled this year and she loves that thing when it turns her around backwards! That kid is a thrill seeker and I am totally anticipating her asking to sky dive for her 16th birthday! I even went down the hill once. Relax, it was slow, I was just trying to pack down a path so that Haley could go faster. It worked. Haley was even trying to get it packed down further on out because she wanted to keep going longer. She's such a fun kid! We had a ball. I'd like to do it again sometime when I have some tylenol ready! HAHA!

Conflict and Confusion

2008-01-31T23:14:00.000-06:00

I started this post entirely different and now that I've deleted it several times, I still seem at a loss for exactly how to express all the feelings in my heart tonight. They are conflicting and confusing to say the least, but I'll give it a shot.

Let's start with today's pregnancy update as that's the easiest. Today, I went for an official urine test at the women's center. It was, of course, positive. I had a moment while peeing in the cup where I thought, "What would I do if they said it was negative?" I know that the likelihood of it coming back negative without any spotting or miscarriage beforehand would be slim. I feel like my hCg numbers are too high for that now, but it still didn't stop the thought from crossing my mind. I find myself still utterly terrified that something will go wrong. Along with that fear is the detachment. I am too afraid to believe it. I am too afraid to let myself be genuinely happy. Of course, I am happy, it's just a detached sort of happy and I keep finding myself adding "...if everything goes well" when I tell someone that I am pregnant. I hope that there comes a time when I won't feel like I need to add that on there. I hope there comes a time when I can just sit back and dream of all things baby and not be worried that this pregnancy is just a dream. I keep telling myself the same things that I have told other friends who have gotten pregnant after infertility which is, "just be happy for each day that you have with your baby. If things don't work out, then atleast you enjoyed every minute of it, and if things do work out then you will be happy that you didn't spend all your time worrying in the beginning." I know that this is true. There is no doubt in my mind about it, but it only eases the fear a little. I can't seem to talk about these fears with Paul as much as I'd like to because I'm too terrified to utter the words loss or miscarriage aloud these days. He seems confident and that helps me alot. He is so very ready to be a dad and I can't help but smile when he talks about the baby or "when the baby gets here". It's so adorable. I love my husband so much!

The second thing that I wanted to talk about is how I'm feeling in my online world of infertiles. In my opinion, I am still an infertile. I'm just a pregnant infertile. Oxy-moron? YES! I know the pain of infertility. I don't think that anything in this world could make me forget that pain, that longing, that emptiness. I can't forget the journey that seemed like an eternity just because I got pregnant. I feel like I don't fit in with pregnant women who are so confident and naive; who think that everything will go smoothly and they will deliver a perfect 7 pound baby in 9 months. I know that things don't always go that way. Sometimes, pregnancy doesn't mean you will get to take home a baby. I also feel like I don't fit with my infertile friends. I try. They try too. I know how it hurts though. I know that somedays for them it's easy for them to be genuinely happy for me and my pregnancy. However, I know that somedays they probably look at that ticker in my signature and wish that they didn't have to see it anymore. It's easier to be happy when a fellow infertile ends up pregnant, but it doesn't mean that it's ALWAYS easy. I have been in their shoes. I can understand. They could tell me to take my pregnant ass and go far away and it wouldn't hurt my feelings. I know their pain, and I understand it. I understand that somedays to look around and feel like everyone is pregnant, like they are surrounded by babies....it's difficult to say the least. Other days, everything is fine. Infertility is not only a hard long journey, but it is an emotional rollercoaster. I feel like trying to be supportive to them is like rubbing my pregnancy in their face. I won't feel guilty for being pregnant because that's what we're all trying to achieve, but that doesn't mean that my heart doesn't break everyday because they aren't pregnant right along side of me.

To my infertile girls out there: Love ya all and I'm praying for each and every one of you to finally get that baby!

To my pregnant girls out there: Many prayers for healthy, happy, and smooth pregnancies and deliveries.

Dumbass Doctors And One Maybe Good One

2008-01-29T00:52:00.000-06:00

Well, as I may or may not have mentioned before, I have already set up my first prenatal visit with a doctor's office. We thought about it over the weekend. We decided that we'd like to have the baby at the hospital in Michigan City instead of the hospital here. So, I called the hospital and got the names of some of the best doctors. I, then, tried to call all three of these doctors (during normal business hours even!), and got NO ANSWER at any of the offices. I was shocked. How can three different doctors all take the same day off or whatever was going on. They had answering machines, sure, but where the hell is a bitchy receptionist when you need one? Come on doc's! Get your shit together.

So, after all the hullaballoo that ensued afterwards and my panic attack. I decided that I'll stay with the same doctor that I called in the first place. Afterall, I was genuainely impressed when I called that a doctor answered my questions and the receptionist called me back very quickly with the answer! The doctor even said that I could come in early if I wanted to and, in my book, that a huge plus! Most doctors are such assholes anymore. It's increasingly hard to find a doctor who truly cares about their patients these days. So, I am hoping that this doctor is the right one for me, for our baby, and as far as it all goes--she's going to have to be right for Paul too because we all know how he hates having a weirdo look at his vagina!

It's sinking in...

2008-01-27T10:03:00.000-06:00

I think that I have now finally come to the realization that I am REALLY pregnant. This isn't some sick mind trick, it's really real. I have now gone well beyond my normal luteal phase length and today marks 17dpo.

If you go by my ovulation date, then baby's due date will be October 2, 2008.

If you go by my last period, then baby's due date will be October 5, 2008.

For the time being, I am going by my last period, since that is what most doctor's will go by in the early weeks of a pregnancy. With the due date of October 5, I am 4 weeks pregnant today! It's good to finally be where most women are when they first find out that they are pregnant. I have known now for nearly a week and I'm just now 4 weeks. Time is going too slowly already!! This is going to be a very long 9 months of waiting on this little one to get here.

I underestimated Haley's reading skills recently and she saw the digital pregnancy test and figured things out pretty quickly once she read the word "pregnant" on there! She is very excited already and can't wait to have a brother or sister (although she wants a sister more). She keeps asking when we'll know if it's a boy or girl and we keep telling her that it's going to be a very long time before we get to find out. Of course, we weren't planning on telling her this early, but since she found out then we had to have the talk with her about how sometimes baby's don't grow right and sometimes, even when you are pregnant, it doesn't mean you have a baby at the end of everything. She was okay with that so I think if something were to go wrong that she'd be able to handle being told about it too.

So, I'm finally letting myself believe this pregnancy, and I believe that this pregnancy will be a successful one too! We picked out names already so we will be ready by the ultrasound that will tell us a gender to give this baby a name! For now, it's just "the baby". Maybe we should come up with a gender neutral nickname for this little bean until we get a few more months into this and can give him or her a proper name.

Still Doesn't Seem Real

2008-01-24T07:50:00.000-06:00

I am really enjoying the carefree excitement of knowing I'm pregnant, even though it doesn't quite seem real to me yet. In a normal cycle, I wouldn't be due for my period for nearly another week. I am 14dpo today. No real symptoms of early pregnancy, except for extremely sore breasts and very sore nipples that feel raw and rug-burned. Ouch!! I tested again yesterday and the lines were atleast twice as dark as the day before so I'm sure that the hCg is rising appropriately. I called for my first doctor's appointment too. They typically do the first appointment at 9 weeks, but the doctor was very sweet and offered that I could come in earlier than that if I wanted. Believe it or not, I opted to just go along on a normal schedule. No beta's to worry about. No early ultrasounds to stress over. I will just be a normal pregnant woman for another month! At my first appointment on March 4th she will also do my first ultrasound. I will be far enough along to see a good heartbeat and make sure that the baby is growing on schedule. I think that will be the best way to start things off--stress free! Of course the doctor said that if I have any problems or spotting to call right away and they would get me in for an early ultrasound and such. They seem very welcoming to a new patient and I was very surprised at the doctor's offer to see me early if I wanted. That is just the type of doctor that I need since I'm sure later in the pregnancy I'll have many concerns!!

Paul bought me a week-by-week pregnancy book and a pregnancy journal. He spent alot of time reading the info in both. I was very impressed. He is so interested in what is going on now and what is to come in the weeks ahead. I think that he will be very attentive as I progress in the pregnancy. I couldn't have a better husband!! I love him so much!!

Success at 12dpo!

2008-01-22T14:28:00.000-06:00

The Barren Bride is barren no more!! Today, at 12 dpo, success! I had a hint of a line on a dollar store test so I had to get a name brand test to confirm/deny with. So, I got a 2 pack of Answer tests and the line started coming up within 1 minute. We are so happy, but still in a bit of disbelief. After the last 3 years of struggling to get past infertility to now being pregnant is a strange feeling indeed. I don't fit in with my infertile friends and I don't fit in with my fertile friends either. I'm a pregnant infertile--how the hell did that happen? I'm actually finding it hard to even admit that I am pregnant....I do very much believe the stick and I am confident that it will be a successful pregnancy, but to actually say it, type it, or allow myself to be happy about it is another thing completely. I'm hoping that I can warm up to it in a few days--maybe once I'm actually late for my period or when the first assault known as morning sickness hits. I think I'll allow myself to believe it then. For anyone who may come across this blog who has had a child after infertility....where do you fit and how did you come to accept your pregnancy as being real?

I am 10 dpo

2008-01-20T06:59:00.000-06:00

Well, today I'm 10dpo. I'm sick as a dog and have been the last 2-3 days now. It started slow and yesterday was horrible. All I did all day was lay around on the couch for a good portion of the day and was so tired that getting up didn't even seem like an option. I think I'd have been better off if I'd have been able to get some coffee, but no dice there since we were out of coffee filters. So, Paul got home and wasn't feeling well either so he pretty much went straight to bed. I finally got myself up and went to Kroger at 9:30 last night to get some cold meds and some coffee filters. I couldn't stand another day like I had yesterday. Well, the Nyquil really helped me sleep well and I feel alot better this morning after taking my dose of DayQuil. I'm slathered up like a greased pig with Vicks and I can breathe a little bit!! Woohoo!! The coffee seems to be helping to break some of this up too.

On the fertility front-my temp plummeted today. Could be bad or it could be good. I'm hoping it's good since I've never had a temp drop this early or AF this early either! I'm trying to make sense of it all and here is all that makes sense to me. With my miscarriage I was having wicked morning sickness atleast 5 days before my period was due. I'm not due for my period (on a regular schedule) for 10 more days. Maybe I ovulated very early with that pregnancy and that's why I was so sick? This cycle of clomid I ovulated at cycle day 12 which is SUPER EARLY for me. It would be plausible to get a positive pregnancy test in the next couple of days and to get morning sickness before my period was even due. Can you see how I'm stressing and driving myself crazy with this shit?

Anyways....speaking of mornining sickness...my stomach isn't feeling so hot right now. LOL Not from morning sickness, but from the drainage that's coming along with this cold!! After the cold is gone and I'm throwing up we can all celebrate!!

The One Week Wait

2008-01-18T06:33:00.000-06:00

Now it seems that I'm down to one week left til test time. Woot! Woot! I am 8dpo today. I couldn't temp this morning because I woke up at 3:30am and was in the thick of a hot flash, had to pee and really really needed to take something for my cough. Without even thinking of temping, I got up and went to the bathroom and took a lil something for the cough. I can tell you that it's not working at all. I think I've got a sinus infection that's draining into my lungs. Yay. So, it feels like I've got a upper respiratory infection now too. To top it ALL off, my ear is hurting this morning too! Hopefully, I can get past this before it gets to be an ear infection. Once Haley is off to school maybe I'll try to get a nap and that way maybe I'll be able to get a temp of some kind for my chart (as unreliable as it may be).

I just feel like boiled crap though and I hope I can kick this soon!! It's going to be test time and how can I celebrate my BFP if I'm hacking up a lung and sniffling? Stupid cold.

To really make things great--it's going to be freezing here this weekend. On Saturday we are going to have a high temp of 11. Yes, 11 degrees, the HIGH. The low will be in the single digits and the wind chill will be negative! Brr. Screw all of this bad Indiana weather. I'm moving to someplace warm!

Two Week Wait

2008-01-14T09:10:00.000-06:00

So it seems that I find myself in the two week wait, bored as can be, nothing to do, and wishing that I knew for sure when I ovulated. After today's temp, it's no clearer than it was yesterday. We'll see if I get yet another positive OPK. I had some spotting last night. Very light and mixed with CM. It was only there when I wiped. I think that must be ovulation spotting. Right? Well, I don't know how long it takes for ovulation spotting to work it's way out, but it seems a little late if I truly am 4dpo. I guess it shouldn't matter. We covered all our bases when it came to the sex part of thing. ;-) I think I'm more anxious about my ovulation date because that'll tell me when to expect aunt flo and when I can possibly test and expect a truthful response out of the pee stick. It's close already to testing time and I find I'm more apprehensive than excited. I am, (how you say?) weirded out by the fact that this could actually work. I've spent the last 3 years of life being the pissed off infertile. Really. How can you be the pissed off infertile if you get pregnant? LOL Of course, I'm joking. I want nothing more than to be pregnant, but I'm still scared of what the answer will be. If it's negative, of course, I'll be crushed. If it's positive, I'll probably be in such a state of shock that I'll cry just like it were negative. And then comes the worrying about the pregnancy and miscarriage and over analyzing ever twinge near the abdominal area thinking that it all means that something is wrong. Am I ready for that? Absolutely! :-)

So....about 10 days until testing...

Ovulation---I think?!?

2008-01-13T15:43:00.000-06:00

It seems that I have finally ovulated. Fertility Friend says 3 days ago, but I think it was just yesterday. I haven't done the override on my chart yet. I'm hoping that after a few more temps it will straighten itself out without my help. We definitely covered ourselves on the BD without a doubt! I felt like crap the last 3 days with bouts of nausea (maybe from being close to O?) and today I feel much better. Most of the awful cramps are gone and I don't feel as bloated as I have for the past week. I have high hopes that this month is going to turn out with a positive result and I'm just concentrating on staying calm and relaxed in the 2ww. It's not worth freaking out during the next two weeks only to get a big fat negative! So, I'll stay as calm as possible and if it's positive that'll be a BONUS!!

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers for the next couple of weeks!!

In Your Face, Mindy!!

2008-01-09T22:58:00.000-06:00

Well, another friend is pregnant. Maybe this is the clomid talking, but I'm angry and I'm upset. There is more to it all than JUST that she is pregnant. I'm happy for her that she is getting the THIRD baby that she wants. I think it just falls right into the category of being insensitive how it was announced. No, I won't make apologies for being upset or angry at the way things have been handled. Those are my true feelings on the matter, so it's better that it's known. I think it's definitely time for a break from one of my forums. It's so very obvious that nobody takes into consideration my feelings or what I go through every week, every month and every year since very few of them can even relate to any of it and several don't even try...

Cycle Day 9: Mission Ovulation

2008-01-07T23:09:00.000-06:00

Okay so now I'm done with the clomid and feeling much better. I can feel my ovaries fairly well at this point, but that was to be expected since it was the same way on 50mg. However, today, the evening headache set in. I'm hoping that the headaches won't be as bad as last time on clomid, but I'm prepared. They will only last a couple of days, so I can handle that. It makes it alot easier this time around with Haley at school. Atleast when she's gone, I can catch a nap if I need to. I figure that I'll ovulate by cycle day 15. On 50mg I ovulated by my cycle day 15 ultra sound and assume that I ovulated on day 14 or very early morning hours of day 15. Either way, that egg was gone by the time the doc took a look. I'm hoping for similar results this time around. I'll start the ovulation strips tomorrow. I can't even begin to fathom ovulating earlier than day 14. Hell, I couldn't believe ovulating on day 14 or 15 before! It makes the cycle so short that it feels like it was barely there at all!! It cuts off about a week or so from what I am normally used to and lately I've begun getting accustomed to even longer cycles. The last cycle I had that lasted 40+ days, I didn't even test!! I just waited. LOL I didn't feel pregnant so I figured that there was no way. I was right, of course, so it was better that I waited. I hope that I can be as patient now that I am on something. It's so easy to over analyze and just get crazy wanting to test all the time and stuff. I don't want to go there because it just makes it so much harder when AF shows up!!

Mission Day 3: Operation Clomid

2008-01-03T22:13:00.000-06:00

We have now officially made our way half way through this sweaty rainforest of hot flashes and I see the light!!! Two more days and this operation will be over, but that won't complete the mission. The rest of the mission is as follows:

CD 7- Complete Operation Clomid
CD 8- Begin our track due South while waiting on Mission Ovulation to begin. We will know that we are close to achieving our objective by testing the waters for deadly LH surges in the water ways leading out of the area.
CD 13-15 - estimated time of arrival at the rendezvous point to complete Operation Ovulation.
Immediately following the completion of Operation Ovulation- commence on Operation Two Week Wait.
CD 24- Operation two week wait will be very slowly trudging on. The men will be nearly insane with hot flashes and hormones. Some men will even be urging me, as captain, to test the outward water ways, to detect the illustrious hCg hormone so common in the area, to see how close we are to the city of Baby Growing in the region of Uterine Lining. However, it will be atleast another 4 days before we are close enough to begin our testing.
CD 28- Begin testing to see how close we are to Baby Growing in Uterine Lining. If negative, keep on the suggested course and test again tomorrow. If test results at any time in the next few days are positive, set course to Freak Out Point and call in your coordinates to the OB/GYN squad.
CD 29- Test again to see how close we are to Baby Growing. If negative test results, keep on the suggested course and test again tomorrow. If positive, see CD 28.
CD 30-Test again to see how lcose we are to Baby Growing. If negative test results, keep on the suggested course and test again tomorrow. If positive, see CD 28.
CD 31-Test again to see how close we are to Baby Growing. If negative test results, keep on the suggested course hoping for a hail mary to save the troop, but expecting Aunt Flow to swoop in and pick off the troop members one by one. If positive, see CD 28.
CD 32- Aunt Flow is due to storm the area and by this time the troop will most likely have already had some sightings of her little dog, Spot. The troop may die a slow death if they even make it this far. God save us all!!!

Mission Day 2: Operation Clomid

2008-01-02T12:33:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I ran frollicking through fields with blue birds singing on my shoulder because I didn't get a clomid migraine. Ha. Ha. Ha. I was just fine during the day. No problems at all. Then, along came last night and the monster that lives under my bed must have been having a bonfire because I was roasting! Trying like a mad woman to stretch my legs up the wall to find the coolest spot. It would have been marvelously funny to see someone else performing this charade, and I would have had a good laugh at their hot flashed ass expense. However, it wasn't someone else. It was me. I swore that I had been thrown to hell to battle my way out. Comical thinking back on it now, nonetheless. I have enough humor to laugh at my own stupidity.

So, here we find outselves thrust into day 2 of the evil clomid pills. Tonight, I'm betting that monster under the bed is going to install a sauna, have a bigger bonfire, and probably invite some flaming monster friend to join in the fun...

Happy New Year!

2008-01-01T12:31:00.000-06:00

It is now officially 2008. There are times when I really can't believe so many years have passed and New Years Day is undoubtedly when it all comes to light. I can still remember writing 80-something on my schoolwork! It doesn't seem like it was THAT long ago.....does it?

On another note, I will be turning 26 this year. So, I am now officially on birthday strike and have decided that 25 suits me just fine and I plan on staying with it for a few more years. Paul even suggested reverting back to 24, but I somehow think that with enough birthdays I'd end up a teenager again and I don't think Paul would be able to handle that part of me. I was wild! So 25 it will stay. I will forever be immortalized as being in my mid-20's. :)

And on the fertility front--today starts the clomid. Ugh. I'll get through it though. If you pray, pray for me. Pray that I don't mess myself up taking this stuff without a doctor. Pray that it will work. And last, but not least, pray that I won't kill Paul in a clomid rage, the poor man!

That's about it. We're off to a wonderful start in 2008 and I'm hoping that it just keeps getting better from here!

Terror of the Night

2007-12-31T06:15:00.000-06:00

As last night progressed, I lay balled into the fetal position on my couch trying to cry quietly so as to not wake Paul. I think that I have never felt such pain as I have felt with this period. Interesting it is since I do not have PCOS or endometriosis or any other condition that should cause such awful pain and cramping. All of my doctor's were sure that endometriosis was the cause of the pain because in my younger years I would breeze through my periods like they weren't even there. Often, I had found myself bragging at how lucky I was to never get even a hint of PMS, save a little exhaustion int he days leading up to my period. Those were the good old days. The days where I didn't own a heating pad and definitely had no need for one. I managed to catch about 45 minutes of rest before Paul came strolling to the living room ready to leave for work with all his chains and prison guard garb dangling around in a raucous. I finally broke down and took a half dose of Excedrin at nearly 5am. Although it did help to ease the pain, I then had nagging thoughts that wouldn't allow sleep to wash over me.

As most anyone would know who reads my blog, Haley is gone with her father for the holiday break until January 5th. Yesterday, I called her father's phone, answered by his ever sweet girlfriend, who informed me that Haley had gone out to lunch with sperm donor's mother. She was supposed to call me back within an hour. That hour came and passed with no call. I called back later in the day, sure that it had just been an oversight and no big deal. Well, then there was no answer. So, I left a message. Yet, still there has been no call back. This leaves me worried, to say the least. I have the uncanny feeling that my daughter is miserable. She wants to come home and they don't want her to talk to me yet because they know that she will tell me exactly what is going on. Those fuckers. However, I could be incredibly wrong in my thinking. Somehow, my momma gut is kicking in and telling me otherwise. I think I'm right in my thinking, and will continue to think I'm right until I hear Haley tell me that she's having fun there. There is a nag that won't let me sleep. Then, my mind wanders to what shit I'm going to have to go through with the court system to resolve this problem. What great flaming hoops they'll have me jump through and in which ridiculous costume? Please imagine my fat ass in one of those tight little unitards asscheeks but half clad in sequins and the rest hanging out for the world to count the ass dimples. Don't forget in this vision to include the barely there breasts smashed flat in the overly tight attire and the rolls of back fat that undoubtedly will be impossible to conceal in that shiny little number. Oh, oh, and then there are the thighs, and you know I only shave to just above the knee....so use you're imagination. Bikini line...oh lord, the bikini line....like I have an afro wig shoved into the crotch of that leotard....

Back to the story now that you have a full picture of what the court makes you do to get anything done....

Now, I'm just pissed off. I'm all in a rage and I swear on all that is Holy....if my phone doesn't ring today I am going to beat the living shit out of SOMEONE. Then, just for kicks, I'll call sperm donor's mother and give her a piece of my mind too. She's oh so fun, barrel of laughs kinda fun, to scream at. Besides, she takes all my threats seriously and actually calls him and his girlfriend and let's them have it. And if that really doesn't work....sperm donor's grandmother will be next on the list because she loves me dearly to this day, and she's one tough old bitch who will never let anyone hear the end of it if I call her bitching. And last, but not least, then I'll put on my sparkly outfit, jump through flaming hoops, and really get him in a whole shit storm of paper work and court dates. This mother is NOT to be fucked with especially when I have PMS!!

How's that for being a "fucking cunt," Jeremy?

By the way....on the phone the other day he thought himself terribly witty by calling me a "fucking cunt," repeatedly. I mean, does he think he's the first person to call me that? God, no. He can't really be that stupid. Can he? I mean, I am a fucking cunt, but I don't think that's a news flash to anyone and certainly not to me! He's so brilliant....I mean, brilliantly ignorant that it's entertaining. I hope he sees padded walls and men in white coats just once in his life....and if there is a God, I will be there to watch them drag him off.

Clomid Confessions

2007-12-31T00:41:00.000-06:00

Cycle day one has come. The evil that is known so fondly as Aunt Flow is chomping at the bit and ready to go. She brought along her usual baggage of cramps and back ache. How dare she bring so much shit with her?!?

Anyways, now that she has arrived, I will soon be starting clomid. Yay, or umm, not so yay. Because clomid is the worst medication on the face of the earth. It was put here to drive infertiles mad with rage. Ever wonder why a childless woman kills her husband? Clomid. It was all the clomid. I promise you that it was a clomid induced rage. I know that in approximately 4 days I will want to rip Paul's face off and pour salt on the wounds, just for my own amusement. Hell, I haven't even started the clomid and I'm entertaining the thought. No, not really, but it would be funny if I really was thinking about doing that! Laugh. Go ahead, it's okay to laugh.

So, I'm curious as to what sick, demented, and wondrous ideas I will come up with once I actually start this higher dose of clomid? It remains to be seen kids, but I assure you, they will be fun!! Painfully fun. Muahahaha. For Paul that is, and maybe if I'm in a deliciously clomid induced psychotic mood, the dog and the kid will be included.

I should write a "Clomid Confessions" book. I think it would be a top seller. Kinda like chicken soup for the soul, only much darker. Women can confess the most morbid thoughts that they entertained while on the drug and we'll put the best, and most disgusting ones in the book! I mean, every woman who is wanting to go on clomid surely would buy a copy and with infertility rates rising daily, or rather women who think they are infertile at age 22 and trying for a total of 4 months. I'll be a millionaire in a month!! Now, to find a publisher....

It's Twins!

2007-12-28T10:25:00.000-06:00

Not my twins, but Lisa's. I mean what better gift after having been infertile for two years then to get two for the price of one? I'm excited for her. Even moreso, I'm scared for her. A multiple's pregnancy can be complicated and long and scary, filled with ups and downs. I think that her and her babies will be just fine with good medical staff. At 6 weeks she has a long way to go, but everything looks great right now. Little Baby A and little Baby B are strong and as healthy as they can be at this point, with nice strong heartbeats of 106 and 103 respectably. Those may sound low to some of you, but in the early days of a beating heart, those are actually normal healthy heartbeats. I am praying for her that everything goes well, and uncomplicated as it can be. I'm hoping she can carry to term and deliver vaginally and have two very healthy bouncing babies because, what better outcome can you hope for than that? She and her husband are both still in shock at this point, but it will sink in soon enough. When she's 12 weeks pregnant and looks 6 or 7 months pregnant, then it will all seem real. After she sees her little ones growing every month via ultrasound, then it will finally sink in for her and her husband. I actually think I detected a little note of excitement in her husband's voice on the phone. He seemed like "wow!" I hope he's still wowing in 8 months when they have two newborns at home wanting to be fed and changed. ;)

Love ya Lisa. Take care of yourself. You're eating for 3.....

Bravery? No way, Mom!

2007-12-27T10:47:00.000-06:00

So, I've had an interesting few days.

Haley has gone off to spend 10 days with the sperm donor. She was terribly upset at the thought of going. She didn't want to be brave, she just wanted to stay home. I kept reminding her that there would be presents there and she had an answer for that, too. "Nobody there will get any presents because they're all bad." Can't argue with that too much, can I? I won't. I think she's right and I have always been honest with Haley about most things in her life with the exception of Santa Clause and where babies come from. I have to sit her down sometime in the next year to explain where babies really do come from. Her bio-dad and his unwed girlfriend tried to tell her something along the lines of "When God knows that you are ready for a baby..." I squashed that fairly quickly. God, if you believe in that, only put one baby anywhere and that was Jesus into the virgin Mary. All other babies are strictly the product of free will. Or else "When God thinks you're ready for a baby...." and we'd have all kinds of knocked up virgins and no pregnant 13 year olds. Now, don't get me wrong, babies are miracles, I just don't think they are that brand of miracle. Speaking of the sperm donor and his girlfriend, they are having their baby sometime in the next month. Another bastard child to roam the Earth. Another child he won't pay child support for once she realizes what a fucking idiot he is and gets her child as far away from him as possible. I'm not jealous though, oh no, with any hope now that he'll have a son, he'll leave MY daughter alone. Let her live her life with her mommy and daddy and quit trying to be a father 6 weeks out of the year. I'll even let him get away with not paying his child support. If he continues to be a thorn in my asshole, then I'll keep complaining that he doesn't pay so he can keep on going back to court to explain why he is a deadbeat. Haley, too, is not at all pleased at the prospect of having a brother, regardless of the fact that he'll live more than 3 hours away. She's pushing hard for me to have a baby though. Kids are weird.

On a side note, I've had a couple days of nausea, which has me wondering. I am pretty late in my cycle. However, I think it could be due to some sinus drainage and nothing to worry about. I guess we will see in a few days. My period should be here by the first of the year. No later.

Stupid Uterus

2007-12-26T10:44:00.000-06:00

I think that my period is dutifully on it's way. I'm ready to start my clomid and I am in no mood to wait around on my period to start, especially if it decides to be a couple weeks late. It wouldn't be uncommon for me to have a 45 day cycle, but I'm really hoping for a 32 day cycle this go around. I can probably even deal with a 35 day cycle, but any longer than that, and I'll have to go all kung fu on my uterus and kick it's ever loving ass. Stupid uterus, anyways, what's it done for me lately?

Some Holiday Cheer

2007-12-22T11:34:00.000-06:00

"Santa paints his whole body with invisible paint and that's why nobody can see him when he comes on Christmas."

There you have it.

The answer to every child who wonders why they never see Santa on Christmas.

Of course, that's just Haley's account of things.

Optimism Facing The Beast

2007-12-17T17:34:00.001-06:00

I fnd myself, today, quite optimistic. I have a wonderful feeling that 2008 is going to be my year to finally find myself pregnant. I will start my clomid in January, or even maybe on the last few days of December. What a wonderful way to send off 2007--with all the hope that 2008 is going to be better. Usually, I don't really make a big deal of a new year rolling in. I make pointless resolutions knowing that I won't follow through. That's about it. Sometimes, I don't even bother to make the resolutions at all. I think this year my resolution is to be a more patient mother, a more understanding, loving wife, and my final resolution is to get pregnant in 2008. Whether the baby is born in 2008 or 2009 is of no consequence. 2008 is preferred, obviously, but 2009 is fine with me too! There just seems to be something in me that KNOWS this is the year. That, and the fact that my couple of psychic readings say so. I know--I'm a whack job to believe in psychics. Don't judge. If the psychic's were right or very near to right--I will let you all know! The one psychic was dead on in predicting my friend Lisa's pregnancy. So, I do have some faith in it. Only time will tell though!

I can simply feel that 2008 is going to be great!

Lisa's Pregnant!

2007-12-12T01:37:00.000-06:00

A great friend of mine, Lisa, found out that she was pregnant! I am completely overjoyed for her and her husband. Lisa, like me, has struggled a very long time with secondary infertility. For the last 2 years, we have been infertile together. The emotions following her telling me that she had just gotten a positive pregnancy test were as follows:

First, complete and utter joy. How can you be anything less than ecstatic for a friend who has been trying to have a baby for so long? It was full out though. My heart was beating a million miles a minute and I started shaking. You would have thought that I had found out I was pregnant!! It was quite comical. Then, my phone died. Ugh. Stupid phone.

So, as I sat there on AIM talking to Lisa, it hit me. The realization. You know--THE realization. The one where you go "Oh my God! Now, I'm the ONLY one left in our forum group who has not yet conceived baby number two." As a matter of fact, one of my forum girls is pregnant with baby number three and several others are ready to start trying for number three. And here I sit--infertile as all get out. Woohoo for me. Even though I was at that time ready to have my pity party, it still didn't stop me from being so happy for Lisa. It's a weird conflicting emotion to be a miserable infertile, and still rejoice that another infertile has officially overcome all the obstacles and gotten herself pregnant. So, I went and laid down in bed with Paul and had a good half hour talk and a good hard cry. Paul pissed me off cracking jokes, trying to elicit a smile from me. It didn't work. He's a man. I suppose it's in his genetic structure to be assanine.

I had my pity party. I didn't deny myself a single tear that I needed to get out. I let it flow. I didn't cry because I was upset that she is pregnant. I cried for me, for myself. I cried because I grievously miss my fertility. I cried because I am now the outcast. The single infertile left in a group of 12 or so women, most of whom conceived easily and without much trying. I cried because I have invested so much into trying to get pregnant including painful procedures, surgery, thousands upon thousands of dollars in doctor's appointments, pregnancy tests, ovulation tests, vitamins, herbs....you name it and I've invested in it. Three years of my life is invested into getting pregnant. Yes, next month will hit the three year mark for us. I may have another pity party that day, I can't say yet, but I may. The journey to becoming a parent for a second time has been almost more than I can bear, yet, I always seem to press on, to put on a smile, to be brave, to be positive. Today, I don't feel like I can be positive any more. I fear that infertility has dealt the blow that broke me. Three years. Jesus. That's somethin'. Then the calm hit. All in a moment, I was okay again. I'm still not whole, not complete without another baby, but for now, I'm okay.

So, I got back on AIM with Lisa. The phone was anticipatedly perched upon the charger awaiting it's next call. I convinced Lisa to post her test on the forum, although I think she is scared that it's going to be some kind of jinx. I don't think so. I think she's finally going to get her take home baby. Then, she expressed her guilt. She felt guilty telling me, felt guilty posting on the forum without first getting my permission. What a wonderful, precious friend to be so caring. However, her guilt is not necessary. I was really eager for her to post her picture and announce her pregnancy. I wanted to be the first one to congratulate her. I am not jealous of her or her pregnancy. I am just purely happy for her and her family. Most especially happy that I have such a great friend who is going to be blessed with another little one to pitter patter around the house. My heart still aches for my own little one, and my heart has ached for the last two years for her to have a little one. So, today, my ache is less, and for that I'm grateful.

To my wonderful friend, Lisa, if she should wander by to read this...
You and I have been through some rough times together. I am so excited for you, your family, and the new little one that you will be bringing into this world in a short 9 months. Please, do me the favor of enjoying your pregnancy, cherishing every minute, and not feeling guilty. I have prayed too many prayers for you, for them all to go unanswered. It's your time to shine so show off that pregnant glow! Do not let a minute of guilt even enter into your thoughts. I am glad that I didn't get pregnant before you. You know that. I said I'd go last. That sticks out so clearly in my mind, that I figure God kept it in my memory for a reason. I am a woman who sticks to her word. I'll probably be magically fertile now. If I am, I'll owe it all to you and your pregnancy. LOL Take care of that baby!

Heaven Help Me!!!!

2007-12-08T16:32:00.000-06:00

OMG the mess!!! Haley destroyed the house this morning! Here I am, sick with the flu she brought home from school, and she's busy destroying the house! The kid must have woken up at 6am to do this much damage! She poured salt all over the floor, poured glitter all over the floor, and for some reason she had eggs out of the fridge!! I mean...c'mon kid! Cut your poor sick mother a break! What was she thinking? This picture here to the right is a small box of some craft stuff we keep in the house filled with glue, glitter, some construction paper, foam sheets, pipe cleaners. I don't even want to know HOW she got this down from the closet, but she did! And so goes the mess in the rest of the livingroom and kitchen. Here are a few pictures to document this adventure.....

Oh look, what's that? Those are 3 kool-aid packets! Oh wait, excuse me, one is hawaiian punch, which is even worse with it's extra super dooper mega redness. And, what did Miss Haley do with the red kool-aid you ask...

The one on the left there, that's the dog's food bowl. The best I can tell, the dog needed some kool-aid syrup. She didn't add enough water to make it anything more than that! The one on the right there, yup, that's my CARPET. As I'm sure you can tell, that isn't her kool-aid syrup straight on the carpet. I can't really say what happened before I woke up, but I can most certainly tell you that she attempted to clean that mess up! It's soaking wet and she had several rags out. Talk about mom being NOT HAPPY!! I can deal with alot of messes, but this is just beyond even my comprehension. Even all these hours later, I still don't think that it has fully sunk in yet. I did put some cleaner on that red spot and now you can hardly see it, but it's still there. I will have to go get something that gets red out.

These pictures don't even cover the mess in the kitchen! Salt all over the floor in there and more than it's share of red droplets all over. Then, she salted the arm of the couch and the floor beneath that. Maybe later on today, or even tomorrow, I will post the rest of the pictures of this atrocity! Heaven help me!!!!!!!

The Road to Reading

2007-12-06T02:54:00.001-06:00

Haley, Paul, and I have officially finished reading aloud the first installment of the Harry Potter series. I, of course, have already read them, but they are new to both Paul and Haley. What made the decision to read her the books was her desire to see the movies. Even I, do not see a movie based on a book without first having read the book. Even if that means missing the movie in theatres. What seems most amazing to me is Haley's mouth foaming desire now, not for the movie, but for the next book. It's great to see her so in love with a story that I too have lavished in. I have to say, I was quite proud of Paul, who had been thus far quite resistant to even the notion of reading a kid's book all by himself, but read aloud, with more enthusiasm than expected. His best moment was during the announcing of quidditch matches. He read it like a true sports announcer, with only a few pauses to stop and snicker at the dialogue. He would have made a spectacular sports announcer! He even once threatened to read ahead without her since he was enjoying the book so much, if she didn't behave herself. I, of course, was in total I told you so mode. Everyone loves the story of Harry Potter, young and old alike. I knew he'd like it too, if I could just get him to pick up the stinkin' book and give it a try! Now, we have to go rent the movie for Haley as her reward for finishing the book. Paul and I have both already seen the movie, but for her it will be a new adventure. Hopefully, an advanture that will make her want to read more often. I hope that I can instill my love of books in her. I would love someday to discuss some of the great novels with her.

I, meanwhile, have read The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Two Towers over the last few weeks. I had always been very resistant to reading them as I once remember a girl in one of my high school classes telling me that it was a difficult read with alot of old language in it. Then, the movies came out, and "What the Hell!" everyone that I knew had atleast read The Hobbit. Well, I finally broke down and decided it was time to read them all. Keeping true to my word, I have not seen the movies. I have one book left in the series, and after that, I told Paul that I would very much like to just sit for a whole weekend and enjoy the movies. Preferrably, a weekend when Haley won't be running about distracting me. I have really enjoyed them up to this point, and can see already that they are a book series that I wouldn't mind reading again. I have a feeling that they are the types of books that you miss alot of details the first go through, and would pick up alot of minor details that pertain to future events in the books with a second read. I don't really have any prospects for future reads just yet. I suppose that I should come up with a few ideas as I am planning a trip to the library tomorrow to pick up Haley's new book. Any suggestions from anyone? I particularly like books of a series if anyone has any suggestions...

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut

2007-12-03T08:53:00.000-06:00

Sometimes you feel like a nut,
Sometimes you don't.
Almond Joy's got nuts,
Mounds don't.

For Christ's sake, I can't get that little jingle out of my head!! Do they even play that stupid song on TV anymore? Have they played it on TV in the last 10 years? If so, I cannot recall having seen it since the mid-90's. How in the hell did I get that stuck in my head? Last night, I had a similar problem, only the slogan stuck in my head was:

Ch-ch-ch-CHIA!

Yes, you got it right, as in Chia Pets. Who invented those dumbass marvels of the plant world anyways? The bigger problem with chia pets is that they have been around since the stone age. Who the fuck buys those things? How have they stayed in business for so long? I mean, Haley wants one, but she's five. She wants everything she sees on TV so she doesn't count. I can just see tomorrow's slogan.

Clap on! Clap off! *clap clap* The Clapper!!!

I'm losing my marbles over here. I think it's getting worse every year. I mean, have you noticed what good music they are playing at the grocery store these days?

Someone smack me. Now. Please.

Do me a favor, anyone who reads this shit hole of a blog, tell me your favorite slogans. Let's see what weird shit you people have floating around in your heads. C'mon. I don't want to be the only asshole in cyberspace...

Haley's Speech Test

2007-11-29T01:17:00.000-06:00

My second post for the day, ya know, because I know how much everyone loves my blog. They just can't live without a blog post for more than 10 minutes. They love it so much that I must post twice daily just to keep my readers satisfied. Yes, my two readers. LOL

Anyways, I have a BRAG about my baby girl!! It is known among my friends that Haley has a pretty bad speech problem. Well, I have been trying like all get out to get her into a speech class for the last couple years to which I have always gotten the answer of, "Just wait until she is in kindergarten because by then, it may work itself out." Well, haha, you stupid fuckers, it didn't work. I waited, she still has problems. Yes, a few of them have worked themselves out, but she still has MANY more to work on. Her teacher finally got the paperwork submitted and Haley was tested a couple weeks ago. On Monday, we had a meeting with the woman who does the testing, the speech teacher, and also Haley's kindergarten teacher. The tester lady started going over all of the test results because, get this, Haley's teacher recommended her to be tested for MORE than just speech. She wanted her tested for all kinds of other stuff too, like vocabulary, word recognition, and also another one that I forget the technical term for, but it basically meant "being able to put together a sentence for effective communication." Well, didn't this come back in her teacher's face!

Baby girl's scores were as follows:

Pronunciation/Speech Formation: Extreme Problem (okay, we knew that).
Word Recognition: Average (Great!)
Being able to put together a sentence: Average, but needs work on verb tenses. (Okay, I can deal with that too.)
Vocabulary: My daughter has the vocabulary of a sixth grader!! (Yay baby girl! You are as smart as Mommy has always been telling everyone. Nobody ever believed me!!)

I can completely understand where they thought that there might be other problems along with the speech problem. I mean, they can't understand alot of what she says so it would be probable that she would be behind in other areas as well. However, Haley teacher, Mrs. Ribordy, looked as if she was about to get run over by a Mack truck at the last tid bit of information. Frankly, it pissed me off. I told this woman at the parent-teacher conferences that Haley had a vocabulary that far exceeded her age range and I also told her that it often went unrecognized because of her speech problems. Obvisouly, this woman thought that I was talking out of my ass. Now, there is proof. Ha. I am so happy! For once, I have a big something to brag about!!! I always knew that Haley was intelligent, but her speech problems give people the impression that she is the opposite. I have been telling everyone for years that it was ONLY her speech. The one person who always, always believed that was Paul's mom, Beth. I think that even my own mother has doubted that was the only problem. Well, again. HAHA. My daughter is smart. Just like her mother!

This all makes me want to act just like a little kid, stick my tongue out at everyone, go "in your face!!" Jump around like an idiot and just, in general, act like a 7 year old on the playground who was just proved right. It's disgusting in it's simplicity, and thoroughly satisfying all in the same moment. I love my daughter and I am so glad that finally there is some proof that she isn't being heavily affected by her speech problem. Despite it all, she is just as smart as any other child her age, and in some cases, she may be more intelligent. *sticks tounge out*

Positive Thoughts

2007-11-29T00:50:00.000-06:00

It seems I'm a bad blogger. Hmph. Well, it's only the truth, I suppose. I forget about it for days and days on end. I don't dream about blogging or even really think about it all that much. I don't plan out my posts. Hell, I don't even use correct punctuation in most cases. It's fun to annoy people with punctuation!?!?! Yes, it is, it really really is!! Try it sometime. I promise. Big fun.

Anywho...I started my period today. The cramps aren't too bad yet though. Thank God! I don't think I could take cramps with my clomid not having arrived yet. Which has been the focus of my obsession as of the last couple weeks. That shit still ain't here and I'm beginning to get impatient. I understand they say that it will take 12-18 workdays to arrive, but this is ME we're delivering to, that's gotta mean you'll get it here in like 4 days, right? So, all in all, my perception that the entire world revolves around me came crashing down. My clomid hasn't arrived. Hopefully, in the next couple of days so that this cycle won't be a complete waste. It might actually be a stress-free cycle since Haley will be gone for the last week. Well, atleast the last couple days. Then, I could obsess without having to feed, clothe, and bathe her. All of my obsessiveness could be focused properly on blowing secen thousand dollars on home pregnancy tests. No, not really. It's fun to think about though. Back to my original thought for a moment....my clomid has a couple days to get here before the cycle is scrapped. I need to start taking it by day 5. I can tell you though, it just really irks me that the ONE month that I am hoping my period come late, which isn't that uncommon for me, and here she is RIGHT ON TIME. Stupid mother nature. Yes, that's me pouting.

I do have some other things that I need to do....I need to get a basal body thermometer. My old one has been lost or misplaced and it was old anyways. A new one will be good. I am only temping because I'll be taking the clomid without monitoring. Frankly, I just don't want to end up pregnant and then have a period and take the clomid again. That would probably not be good. Temping atleast should help me to avoid that, if it were to come up. I don't know if clomid is going to be the answer for us or not. I can tell you though, I am sure hoping this shit works! If it doesn't, it will a very long time before I am able to go back to the doctor for an IUI or anything of the sort. Besides, IUI cycles can cost an arm and a leg. Up to four thousand dollars a cycle, since if I did IUI we would do it with injectables. Sigh. Let's just hope it doesn't come to that because if it does, I'm not sure that we will ever have another child. I don't know that we want to spend that kind of cash on ONE procedure without ANY guarantees that it will work, and even if it does, pregnancy is no guarantee that you will bring home a baby in 9 months. Either way, let's try to stay positive about all this.

My clomid WILL arrive in the next couple days.
The clomid WILL work, and I will have a healthy, happy pregnancy.
Positive. Positive. Positive!!!!

Join The "Miffed" Housewives Club

2007-11-16T00:11:00.000-06:00

It appears that my clomid has not yet shipped from it's destination. I talked to one of the customer service representatives who assured me that this is some big holiday week where the drugs are to ship from. This could all be true. I would like to think that maybe I got scammed except for the fact that they haven't yet actually charged me for the pills, and they have real live customer service. If customer service hadn't been so on the ball, I might be thinking differently right now. I still have confidence that they will be shipped and arrive in a timely fashion. With any hope, "timely fashion" refers to "before my next period starts DAMMIT!"

I have a feeling that I would be rather miffed if my period decides to come on time and my pills don't. "Miffed" isn't actually the word I'd use, but for your virgin ears, I'll use it here. I think I'd opt for a long string of profanity instead of "miffed." As a matter of fact, I know I'd go for the profanity. I quite enjoy my foul mouth. It scares people away and makes some more interested. Usually others with foul mouths find it wonderful to find other's of their "kind." Most of my kind live in trailer parks and a good portion are ex-cons, truckers, sailors, etc. A few are normal housewives like me, but we normal housewives with foul mouths are a rare commodity.

So, I call to all the housewives out there in the world--explore your inner bitch. Use the F word ATLEAST once in every sentence. Say shit (in public) when you drop something, hurt yourself, damn near trip and smash your face into the pavement. Go on. Do it. Feels good doesn't it? Join us. Hehehehe.

And back on topic--my clomid better get here or I'm going to hurt someone. For real.

**UPDATE: Right after writing this post, I mean RIGHT AFTER, I went to check my email and had an email from the off shore pharmacy. My pills are on the way!

Good my little follicles--you will soon have the chance to grow and get big and juicy before bursting out and being nearly trampled by the waiting millions of sperm who plan on fertilizing you. Cut them some slack, they are blind afterall. It will be a good day. Come my pretties, come out of the ovary and play!!! Muhahaha.

My Steamy Affair

2007-11-11T12:17:00.000-06:00

Sometime in December, my long lost lover, Clomid, will be coming back into my life. Our last torrid affair was short-lived with no momento to remember the affair by. I am hoping that this time before Clomid leaves, that I am atleast left with a momento--a positive pregnancy test.

This is how I'm imagining December's affair in my mind. Me and Clomid taking a snowy ride through Central Park on a horse drawn sleigh. Holding hands and whispering sweet nothings in each other's ears. This time, our affair will have none of the screaming and yelling mood swings of last time. Because it's winter, there won't be those hot flashes from our summer rendezvous. We will get along smashingly. I know that Clomid will only be in my life for five short days, but Clomid's presence will be felt for a full month atleast. In my grief at the end of the five days, I will then turn to my husband for consolation and love. We will have steamy, passionate sex for weeks in an attempt to heal my broken heart. A couple weeks later I'd notice that, oh, my stomach isn't feeling that great. I'm a little light headed from time to time. And where oh where has my period gone?

Here's to hoping!!!

Girls Night Tonight

2007-11-10T15:28:00.000-06:00

To give a little explanation, this girls night refers to a small group of women who all got together on a popular baby website that had small, relatively unorganized forums. We decided to make our own forum going on almost 2 years ago now. We first called it Project Baby. We started out with 13 members from our original group. We are now down to roughly 10 after a few minor squabbles along the way. We became so close and so involved in each other's lives that we sometimes knew intimate details that nobody else knew. It was a special kind of friendship. It still is. However, since our beginnings, all but two of us women have become pregnant and had children. I, obviously, am one of the two who failed to get pregnant. Still, we decided that our group and our forum had morphed since it's beginning and was no longer about getting pregnant and having babies as it was a place for our friendship and we renamed our forum. There has been many times where that forum has been the only place where I trusted to tell my feelings in their entirety and not feel as if I would be mocked or ridiculed. It was a place of respite for me. Over the last year, things have really slowed down. I can understand that as the girls had their new babies that they had less time to sit online and bullshit for no good reason. We lost touch and the forum chatter slowed and almost halted. It was sad. So, we decided that we should have a girls night to really get things going again and get us all back in touch. I think it was a great idea! Hopefully, it will be a time for the mommy's to get a little break! I am very excited about it and I hope it goes as well as I have been imagining that it will. I really hope that there will be a good turn out. If there isn't, I fear that our once great forum will soon come to a screeching halt. People lose interest when there is nothing to read and nothing to comment about. It would be a truly sad day for me. I hope that this is just the change we need to get things going again. I miss my girlfriends and our pointless chatter, sometimes about nothing at all, but even so, very meaningful conversations.

Turkey Tits and The Dippled Ass

2007-11-09T09:09:00.000-06:00

Not really much going on today. It seems it's going to be a quiet Friday. All of our shopping was done yesterday, along with a little extra shopping. The turkey has taken his roost respectively in the freezer, until I move his ample breasts and juicy thighs to the fridge to thaw in a couple weeks--or whenever close to Thanksgiving is. I can't keep the weeks straight anymore and doesn't Thanksgiving usually come later in the month? Am I the only one that has a problem with this? Guess so. I plan on making a "Michigander" style turkey this year. Makes those ample breasts just fall apart in your mouth. Is what you do is cut a small slit in the skin of the breast and pull the skin away slightly making a little breast pocket for Mr. Turkey to keep his pocket protector in. No, I mean, you make Mr. Turkey a little pocket and you stuff it full of seasoned butter. I never thought of myself as being much of a "breast woman," but the thought of hot turkey tits marinating for hours in seasoned butter makes me drool. Turkey tits. Hahaha. Love it!! I crack myself up sometimes.

Paul wants me to make two pies. Sigh. Two pies, three people eating, equates to 10 pounds added to my already jiggling, dimpled ass. Of course we will be having the obligatory pumpkin pie and he also wants chocolate cream.

I have figured out the most kid friendly snack the world has ever seen though. Haley loves to eat it and make it and it's easy! Plain english muffins, split. A jar of tomato sauce. A bag of mozzarella. A bag of pepperoni. Easy, cheesy, microwavable, MINI PIZZA!!! Best of all--unprocessed and didn't come out of a box. It's got to be better than macaroni and cheese. Right?!?

HO HO Holiday Infertility

2007-11-06T05:38:00.000-06:00

As the holidays roll near, I find that my mind wanders much more to having a baby. It's a difficult, painful thought most times. The thoughts that everyone else seems to be able to have children "by accident" and I can't even get pregnant when we try. It's jealousy. Pure, undaunted jealousy. Where most people would grow mean in it, I don't. Well, not most times anyways. I can truly say that I am happy when a family member or friend announces their pregnancy. I can't say I'm not jealous. I can't say that my heart doesn't break at my own misfortune. However, these days, it doesn't interfere with my joy for the happy couple. These days, now that it's been too long to count how long we've been trying for a baby of our own. These days, that I have seen friends and family get pregnant, have their babies, and now some are even pregnant again. Some even have a second child in the time I've been trying. The hurt used to be worse. It's subsided over the past couple years, at the very least it has lessened in intensity. I think that I have finally come to a point in this journey where I would be okay if I never got pregnant again. I have one beautiful daughter. That's more than some women get. However, during the holidays, the thought of Haley doesn't seem to deter me from wanting another child so badly that it's like a hard, painful lump in my heart. An ache in my gut so strong it's almost palpable. A yearning in my loins.....

Ok. Yearning of the loins. Not really my style, and frankly, at this point, my loins yearn for nothing but privacy. No more doc's in the va-jay-jay, please.

In the last couple of months, I have been surprised. My good friend, known herein as only S, is pregnant with her third child, a girl after two boys. S and her husband weren't expecting this baby as they had just had a son a few months earlier. When she announced her pregnancy, I thought that Iwould be hurt, my inadequacy as a woman exposed. However, exactly the opposite reaction is what I got. I was happy for S and her husband. Not jealous, not mad, not more aware of my inadequacy, not even envious. I thought there would be a flood of these emotions, and they were absent, in all their mean mannered glory. Just not there. I was happy for her and I was praying every night that she would get the girl she wanted so badly. It was weird. Welcomed, but still, weird.

The other thing that has surprised me recently is Paul. He has been talking about babies. Dropping hints about having a baby as big as the Mackinac Bridge. He's anxious about it like I used to be. He wants me to go through all the crap that I used to put myself through just trying to get pregnant. Quit eating motrin like it's the elixir of life, basal temping, ovulation strips, fourteen thousand pregnancy tests per month, and the list goes on and on. I can't say I'm ready to get that far back into things again. I don't think that our problem lies in "not hitting the mark" at the right time of the month. I think our problem needs full-time attention by a doctor. A trained doctor, not the D average med student, who just graduated 4 minutes ago. Someone who is at the least, in his or her forties. A doc whose been around the block a few times--seen enough va-ja-jay's that my big hairy bush won't send them running for the hills.

So....our money situation has improved dramatically in the last few months. We actually have some extra money. It's an odd feeling considering that since the day we got down here we have been broker than broke, savings gone, checking account overdrawn even. It's all better now, thank goodness. Still, our insurance sucks ass to the point that NO infertility services are covered whatsoever. Thank you for your consideration Anthem Blue Cross and Blue Shield. Atleast in Michigan, our blue cross covered all of our appointments and monitoring, and even portions of medications. We just had co-pays, which did pile up to a nice hefty bill, but atleast we weren't paying the whole thing out of pocket!! I don't know really what I would have to do to make the money to pay for a doc here.

I need to come up with a creative way to raise some money for infertility treatments. Any ideas?

And It Begins...

2007-11-05T05:59:00.000-06:00

You know what begins. The holiday rush. Ugh. The race to get the "just right" gift for everyone on your list. Trying to stretch a buck as far as it possibly can go so that your child can get the latest, greatest version of some piece of crap that will be broken in a week or left lonely and forgotten in the far reaches of the closet. Yes, this joyous time of year. It's this time, the stretch between Halloween and Thanksgiving, that seems most daunting. It's too early to hang up the Christmas decorations and really get in the holiday mood, and yet you still have to shop like your holiday spirit is in full swing.

To top off my list of cheer this year is that Haley has made a list of things she wants that's ten miles long. However, she did add that "as long as I get some of that stuff it'll be a wonderful holiday." Atleast the child realizes that you don't get everything on your list. Most especially when the little queen of mess puts Ice Cream Maker Toy on her list. Oh, Lord. No way! I don't plan on spending the New Year cleaning dried spots made of powdered dairy product, refined sugar, and food coloring off the walls. Oh no. Not this Momma. I did have a few moments of pride as she read her list aloud. She asked for alot of books and school supplies, as well as craft supplies for at home. So, for the last few days, I have scoured ebay looking for as many early reader books as I can find. My love of reading is one that I would really like to instill in Haley. So far, my evil plan is working. MUAAHHAHAHAHA.

On the brighter side of things, Thanksgiving is fast approaching. A holiday that I love for it's simplicity. Give thanks and gorge yourself on food. Does it get any better? This year we will be having our Thanksgiving at home. Just the three of us. And the dog. Can't forget the dog. He'll be under the table licking up crumbs. Haley is excited to help with getting dinner ready and I'm excited to have her in the kitchen to help. I have to think of a few dishes that will be easy for her to make--without those dishes tasting like dirt. I'm sure she can handle candied yams and green bean casserole. Those are easy enough that not even a novice cook, the title earned by her lowly 5 years here on this planet, can't mess up. She's excited about it. That's all that really matters. I won't even think about the mess the kitchen will be afterwards, but we'll save that for the time when it actually happens.

Saturday Morning Bender

2007-10-27T08:01:00.000-05:00

Take up drinking? Certainly. Why not? Pass me a bottle of the hard stuff. Vodka. Whiskey. Even the dreaded tequila that makes me so ill. Sure. I'll take it all.

I'll take this drink:

Four Horsemen
1/4 oz Jim Beam
1/4 oz Jack Daniel's
1/4 oz Johnnie Walker
1/4 oz Jose Cuervo
Serve straight up. Makes one shot. Two or three shots will
knock ya down.

I'm not much of a drinker, but I'm seriously thinking of taking it up as a hobby. Maybe I can start going on week long benders everytime my period shows up. That's the preemptive plan for next month. I already missed 2 days of this cycle so it's just not worth it. Besides, I don't have any liquor in the house. The double-you-over-in-screaming-pain cramps that I have will keep me in the house for a few more days yet. Even moreso, the cranium splitting migraine will keep me holed up trying to keep all light sources at bay.

Tequila. Lots of it. Put it on my tab, bartender.

As another Christmas approaches I realize exactly what the holidays have come to represent for me--another year without a baby, without a pregnancy, without the hope that it will eventually happen. This new year brings Paul and I to three years of this crap. Yes, really three. Of course, there have been numerous breaks in there, but who could try for that long and not take breaks? I have no need to explain myself to anyone anyways. Anyone who has been in my situation will fully understand, while anyone who has never been here could never understand. I wouldn't have understood if someone has said these things to me 3 years ago.

Whiskey, on the rocks, please. Make it a double.

That bender is sounding better all the time! Now that Haley has decided that I am the most intelligent being on the face of the Earth and has five million questions including "What's the meaning of life?" All the while her little voice is ricocheting nicely off my mushy brain matter and I swear it has penetrated the optic nerve. Even worse than her voice and her game of 5 billion questions, are the cartoons that she insists on watching. Since when does Pokemon make sense? Ugh. Awful cartoons these days. What happened to the good ol' days? Now that I think about it, those cartoons weren't that much better.

Could you just top off this glass barkeep? I mean...just leave the bottle. I'll slug it down when I feel my cramps again. Hic. Up. Hic.

What's really sad and even more pitiful is that it's 8:30am and I think I'm being funny and I know full well that I sound like a miserable old drunk with nothing better to do than whine about being an infertile in an overly fertile world. Yeah. Bite me. Go make some babies. Leave me alone. I'm having fun. Atleast I entertain myself with sex and 80's cartoons. No need for condoms either and that brings an entirely new pleasure to life that fertiles just don't get. Ha. Ha. In your face! Yeah...now what? Huh?

I. am. so. funny.

If I was drunk--I would think I was twice and funny and, in reality, wouldn't be half as funny. Just an observation. Pass me that bottle. It's early--I have all day to get REALLY drunk. This should be interesting.

Oh...and one more thing before I close this up--what's with stupid people online? Lisa and I had a run in with a real winner in the forum's new chat room thing that we installed on there. It's great fun, but I guess the crazies wander in occasionally.

The Sunday-Monday Slur

2007-10-22T03:22:00.000-05:00

Oh yes, this incomnia has been playing hell on me all weekend. I haven't slept at night in 2 days! Thank goodness Paul was off this weekend because he has been up with Haley during the day while I slept. However, tomorrow its back to school for Haley and Mommy really needs to be on a daytime schedule. So, this current....thing....I have going, it's just not going to work. So, here we have what's known as the Sunday-Monday slur. I woke up on Sunday at some point after noon. I will now stay up, get Paul off to work, Haley off to school....stay up all day and then go to bed at a normal time. I am sure I will be thoroughly exhausted by then and sleep will be no problem. I can't wait....a good night's sleep seems like a dream right now!!

On an up note though, Cain is feeling and looking better. Well, technically, he's just less lumpy than he was a few days ago. Thank goodness. However, he's still miserable. He's itched himself so bad over the last couple days and now he has several area's that have pretty good scabs going. I hope that we can get through this soon because his itching is driving me nuts!!! That's all I seem to hear all day long!

Even the dog has allergies!!

2007-10-19T03:14:00.000-05:00

Well, Cain apparently has come down with a case of the hives. Oh, joy. I don't mean a few hives either. He looks like a large, lumpy, moving thing that maybe, kinda, sorta, resembles a dog. I don't know why he got them, which is completely baffling me. He may or may not have gotten a graham cracker today--that's the absolute only thing I can think of that's out of the ordinary for him. However, I really can't see a graham cracker causing all these hives! The kind "child" who works at Purdue's Animal Hospital said that she thinks its probably an outside allergen like a yard treatment or something of that nature since it's worse on his legs and head. Her recommendation is to (yes, get this) give him Benadryl. Well, it cost me alot of money to hear that! Her secondary recommendation is to bring him back, and again pay the "emergency animal hospital fee," if he gets any worse. Yes, I think I'll do that--when pigs fly AND lay golden eggs. Until then, I am not going back to that place! Too damn expensive to hear "give him a Benadryl pill." She could have atleast sugar-coated it by saying he had some rare disease that only benadryl could cure!! I might not have minded as much while writing the check then.

I also gave my poor boy an oatmeal bath. Nothing but the best for him either--Aveeno. Which, is not exactly cheap stuff to buy! He's pretty lucky that's all that was in the house. I knew I should have bought doggie oatmeal bath last time I was at the store!

He's sleeping now. I hope he's enjoying his $200, mind bending, trip on benadryl.

Emergency Animal Clinic Fee: $179
Aveeno Oatmeal Bath: $8
Benadryl Tablets: $10

I still have yet to figure out what the hell is "priceless" in this whole equation. I can't even say that a happy dog is priceless because even with the hives he was still happy and bouncing around like a retard. So....when I find out what's priceless, I'll let ya know. Oh, yeah, and I'll keep you updated on his, uh, condition.

The Infertility Diaries

2007-10-18T02:11:00.000-05:00

Well, this one won't be long, but just wanted to give a little background info on this subject to anyone who may accidentally run across this blog.

Paul and I are classified as an infertile couple--unexplained infertility even. What exactly do we pay doctors for? We started trying to get pregnant way back in January of 2005. We tried and tried for a long time, to no avail. Finally, we went to see a doctor. We had the typical fertility work-up--sperm analysis, blood work, all that good stuff. I had a nice date with the dildo cam. Let me say "Oh, joy!" Didn't even buy me dinner. I also had a laproscopy, D&C, tubal fulgaration, hysterosalpingogram, and untold numbers of doctors looking at my nether regions. Everything came back basically normal. Paul's sperm analysis was a little on the low side in motility, but nothing that would hinder conception. Except for the fact that my ovaries suck ass. They just up and decided that they don't want to work. Fine. Be that way.

Since then, we haven't been back to see any more doctors. Our insurance changed dramatically with our move and Paul's new career. The new insurance, like my ovaries, sucks ass.

There you have it. The awful truth. Infertility is a bitch.

Recent Events

2007-10-18T01:30:00.000-05:00

I know that I haven't talked to people much lately so here are a few of the current events around my household:

Haley's First Parent-Teacher Conference:
Didn't go so hot. I really expected more from Haley. Although she seems to have a solid grasp of what has been taught and is ahead on many subjects, she is a class clown and a disturbance to other students. I can't say I was surprised to hear this. I knew this was my future with Haley for a long time. I used to joke that one day I would be on a first name basis with her principal when she was smaller. Haley also seems to be messing around alot instead of doing her work. So, to make up for the time she spent talking, she then scribbles what she is supposed to be coloring and stuff. It's ridiculous in my mind how a 5 year old has SO much to talk about that she just can't keep it in another minute! I mean, afterall, her life has been so full of great things, that she has some divine wisdom to share with her peers. She is also irritating the life out of me with her school "journal". The child can write, yet, she refuses to do so. She is supposed to be writing "I like to ride my scooter" and she writes "abadokdneudos" all in a slur!! So, when she gets home I make her rewrite in on the other side of the paper and she does it perfectly! What is up with this kid?

The Great Make-up:
Paul and I have been on the outs the last couple of months. There was alot involved, but we have finally made up. I am happy and relieved. I was feeling quite depressed about all of it there for awhile, but it seems that the changing leaves and the cooler weather have brought me out of my funk. It's a great feeling to finally feel alive again!

Introduction

2007-10-17T14:11:00.001-05:00

I've finally come along to getting a blog of my own. Everyone else in the free world has one, why shouldn't I? I've decided to let this be a place where I can vent, explain, and do whatever and say whatever I like. There will be some cussing and cursing, I'm positive of that, so beware your virgin ears.

My name is Mindy. I am, first and foremost, a mother. Haley is 5 years old. She is in kindergarten. She loves school and loves her teachers. Secondly, I am a wife. My husband, Paul, is a gem. We fight about a good many things, and we agree on a good many things. I think it's the constant tug-o-war that keeps us coming back for more. Our married life has been rocky to say the least. A few big blow outs and some loving tender moments too. We struggle with infertility. Although I have a child of my own, it still doesn't make infertility hurt any less, and in Paul's case, he doesn't have a child of his own at all! We are currently sitting on the side lines of the "baby making game" and not actively trying, but also not preventing. We do hope that it will happen for us someday, but the odds are pretty slim at this point. I am hoping to go back to school next August. My first choice of school is Purdue. I hope that everything works out as well as I am imagining it will.

That's us in a nutshell. Can't hope for too much more in a first post anyways--can you?