Dec 12, 2007

Lisa's Pregnant!

A great friend of mine, Lisa, found out that she was pregnant! I am completely overjoyed for her and her husband. Lisa, like me, has struggled a very long time with secondary infertility. For the last 2 years, we have been infertile together. The emotions following her telling me that she had just gotten a positive pregnancy test were as follows:

First, complete and utter joy. How can you be anything less than ecstatic for a friend who has been trying to have a baby for so long? It was full out though. My heart was beating a million miles a minute and I started shaking. You would have thought that I had found out I was pregnant!! It was quite comical. Then, my phone died. Ugh. Stupid phone.

So, as I sat there on AIM talking to Lisa, it hit me. The realization. You know--THE realization. The one where you go "Oh my God! Now, I'm the ONLY one left in our forum group who has not yet conceived baby number two." As a matter of fact, one of my forum girls is pregnant with baby number three and several others are ready to start trying for number three. And here I sit--infertile as all get out. Woohoo for me. Even though I was at that time ready to have my pity party, it still didn't stop me from being so happy for Lisa. It's a weird conflicting emotion to be a miserable infertile, and still rejoice that another infertile has officially overcome all the obstacles and gotten herself pregnant. So, I went and laid down in bed with Paul and had a good half hour talk and a good hard cry. Paul pissed me off cracking jokes, trying to elicit a smile from me. It didn't work. He's a man. I suppose it's in his genetic structure to be assanine.

I had my pity party. I didn't deny myself a single tear that I needed to get out. I let it flow. I didn't cry because I was upset that she is pregnant. I cried for me, for myself. I cried because I grievously miss my fertility. I cried because I am now the outcast. The single infertile left in a group of 12 or so women, most of whom conceived easily and without much trying. I cried because I have invested so much into trying to get pregnant including painful procedures, surgery, thousands upon thousands of dollars in doctor's appointments, pregnancy tests, ovulation tests, vitamins, name it and I've invested in it. Three years of my life is invested into getting pregnant. Yes, next month will hit the three year mark for us. I may have another pity party that day, I can't say yet, but I may. The journey to becoming a parent for a second time has been almost more than I can bear, yet, I always seem to press on, to put on a smile, to be brave, to be positive. Today, I don't feel like I can be positive any more. I fear that infertility has dealt the blow that broke me. Three years. Jesus. That's somethin'. Then the calm hit. All in a moment, I was okay again. I'm still not whole, not complete without another baby, but for now, I'm okay.

So, I got back on AIM with Lisa. The phone was anticipatedly perched upon the charger awaiting it's next call. I convinced Lisa to post her test on the forum, although I think she is scared that it's going to be some kind of jinx. I don't think so. I think she's finally going to get her take home baby. Then, she expressed her guilt. She felt guilty telling me, felt guilty posting on the forum without first getting my permission. What a wonderful, precious friend to be so caring. However, her guilt is not necessary. I was really eager for her to post her picture and announce her pregnancy. I wanted to be the first one to congratulate her. I am not jealous of her or her pregnancy. I am just purely happy for her and her family. Most especially happy that I have such a great friend who is going to be blessed with another little one to pitter patter around the house. My heart still aches for my own little one, and my heart has ached for the last two years for her to have a little one. So, today, my ache is less, and for that I'm grateful.

To my wonderful friend, Lisa, if she should wander by to read this...
You and I have been through some rough times together. I am so excited for you, your family, and the new little one that you will be bringing into this world in a short 9 months. Please, do me the favor of enjoying your pregnancy, cherishing every minute, and not feeling guilty. I have prayed too many prayers for you, for them all to go unanswered. It's your time to shine so show off that pregnant glow! Do not let a minute of guilt even enter into your thoughts. I am glad that I didn't get pregnant before you. You know that. I said I'd go last. That sticks out so clearly in my mind, that I figure God kept it in my memory for a reason. I am a woman who sticks to her word. I'll probably be magically fertile now. If I am, I'll owe it all to you and your pregnancy. LOL Take care of that baby!


shannon said...

okay girl, now that i am crying so hard i can barely read my screen, thanks! i know that it must be hard to be the last one, but please remember that when all of you have your second and then get pregnant with #3 i'll be the outcast! we all love you, don't ever forget it and if you ever need to talk, you have my number. (remember i work nights so i'll gladly talk to you!)

Anonymous said...

First off Mindy, THANK YOU! Thank you for being my friend and my support. You are not and never will be an outcast, we are the cool kids, LOL. I love you from the bottom of my heart and I could never imagine my life without you. Thank you for writing about me in such a special way, I feel very blessed to have you in my world! WOOT!!!! WOOOORD!

We're Pregnant