Nov 6, 2007

HO HO Holiday Infertility

As the holidays roll near, I find that my mind wanders much more to having a baby. It's a difficult, painful thought most times. The thoughts that everyone else seems to be able to have children "by accident" and I can't even get pregnant when we try. It's jealousy. Pure, undaunted jealousy. Where most people would grow mean in it, I don't. Well, not most times anyways. I can truly say that I am happy when a family member or friend announces their pregnancy. I can't say I'm not jealous. I can't say that my heart doesn't break at my own misfortune. However, these days, it doesn't interfere with my joy for the happy couple. These days, now that it's been too long to count how long we've been trying for a baby of our own. These days, that I have seen friends and family get pregnant, have their babies, and now some are even pregnant again. Some even have a second child in the time I've been trying. The hurt used to be worse. It's subsided over the past couple years, at the very least it has lessened in intensity. I think that I have finally come to a point in this journey where I would be okay if I never got pregnant again. I have one beautiful daughter. That's more than some women get. However, during the holidays, the thought of Haley doesn't seem to deter me from wanting another child so badly that it's like a hard, painful lump in my heart. An ache in my gut so strong it's almost palpable. A yearning in my loins.....

Ok. Yearning of the loins. Not really my style, and frankly, at this point, my loins yearn for nothing but privacy. No more doc's in the va-jay-jay, please.

In the last couple of months, I have been surprised. My good friend, known herein as only S, is pregnant with her third child, a girl after two boys. S and her husband weren't expecting this baby as they had just had a son a few months earlier. When she announced her pregnancy, I thought that Iwould be hurt, my inadequacy as a woman exposed. However, exactly the opposite reaction is what I got. I was happy for S and her husband. Not jealous, not mad, not more aware of my inadequacy, not even envious. I thought there would be a flood of these emotions, and they were absent, in all their mean mannered glory. Just not there. I was happy for her and I was praying every night that she would get the girl she wanted so badly. It was weird. Welcomed, but still, weird.

The other thing that has surprised me recently is Paul. He has been talking about babies. Dropping hints about having a baby as big as the Mackinac Bridge. He's anxious about it like I used to be. He wants me to go through all the crap that I used to put myself through just trying to get pregnant. Quit eating motrin like it's the elixir of life, basal temping, ovulation strips, fourteen thousand pregnancy tests per month, and the list goes on and on. I can't say I'm ready to get that far back into things again. I don't think that our problem lies in "not hitting the mark" at the right time of the month. I think our problem needs full-time attention by a doctor. A trained doctor, not the D average med student, who just graduated 4 minutes ago. Someone who is at the least, in his or her forties. A doc whose been around the block a few times--seen enough va-ja-jay's that my big hairy bush won't send them running for the hills.

So....our money situation has improved dramatically in the last few months. We actually have some extra money. It's an odd feeling considering that since the day we got down here we have been broker than broke, savings gone, checking account overdrawn even. It's all better now, thank goodness. Still, our insurance sucks ass to the point that NO infertility services are covered whatsoever. Thank you for your consideration Anthem Blue Cross and Blue Shield. Atleast in Michigan, our blue cross covered all of our appointments and monitoring, and even portions of medications. We just had co-pays, which did pile up to a nice hefty bill, but atleast we weren't paying the whole thing out of pocket!! I don't know really what I would have to do to make the money to pay for a doc here.

I need to come up with a creative way to raise some money for infertility treatments. Any ideas?


Miss Organization said...

It always breaks my heart when my dear friends can not conceive. XXOO

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