I am 10 dpo

Well, today I'm 10dpo. I'm sick as a dog and have been the last 2-3 days now. It started slow and yesterday was horrible. All I did all day was lay around on the couch for a good portion of the day and was so tired that getting up didn't even seem like an option. I think I'd have been better off if I'd have been able to get some coffee, but no dice there since we were out of coffee filters. So, Paul got home and wasn't feeling well either so he pretty much went straight to bed. I finally got myself up and went to Kroger at 9:30 last night to get some cold meds and some coffee filters. I couldn't stand another day like I had yesterday. Well, the Nyquil really helped me sleep well and I feel alot better this morning after taking my dose of DayQuil. I'm slathered up like a greased pig with Vicks and I can breathe a little bit!! Woohoo!! The coffee seems to be helping to break some of this up too.

On the fertility front-my temp plummeted today. Could be bad or it could be good. I'm hoping it's good since I've never had a temp drop this early or AF this early either! I'm trying to make sense of it all and here is all that makes sense to me. With my miscarriage I was having wicked morning sickness atleast 5 days before my period was due. I'm not due for my period (on a regular schedule) for 10 more days. Maybe I ovulated very early with that pregnancy and that's why I was so sick? This cycle of clomid I ovulated at cycle day 12 which is SUPER EARLY for me. It would be plausible to get a positive pregnancy test in the next couple of days and to get morning sickness before my period was even due. Can you see how I'm stressing and driving myself crazy with this shit?

Anyways....speaking of mornining sickness...my stomach isn't feeling so hot right now. LOL Not from morning sickness, but from the drainage that's coming along with this cold!! After the cold is gone and I'm throwing up we can all celebrate!!

The One Week Wait

Now it seems that I'm down to one week left til test time. Woot! Woot! I am 8dpo today. I couldn't temp this morning because I woke up at 3:30am and was in the thick of a hot flash, had to pee and really really needed to take something for my cough. Without even thinking of temping, I got up and went to the bathroom and took a lil something for the cough. I can tell you that it's not working at all. I think I've got a sinus infection that's draining into my lungs. Yay. So, it feels like I've got a upper respiratory infection now too. To top it ALL off, my ear is hurting this morning too! Hopefully, I can get past this before it gets to be an ear infection. Once Haley is off to school maybe I'll try to get a nap and that way maybe I'll be able to get a temp of some kind for my chart (as unreliable as it may be).

I just feel like boiled crap though and I hope I can kick this soon!! It's going to be test time and how can I celebrate my BFP if I'm hacking up a lung and sniffling? Stupid cold.

To really make things great--it's going to be freezing here this weekend. On Saturday we are going to have a high temp of 11. Yes, 11 degrees, the HIGH. The low will be in the single digits and the wind chill will be negative! Brr. Screw all of this bad Indiana weather. I'm moving to someplace warm!

Two Week Wait

So it seems that I find myself in the two week wait, bored as can be, nothing to do, and wishing that I knew for sure when I ovulated. After today's temp, it's no clearer than it was yesterday. We'll see if I get yet another positive OPK. I had some spotting last night. Very light and mixed with CM. It was only there when I wiped. I think that must be ovulation spotting. Right? Well, I don't know how long it takes for ovulation spotting to work it's way out, but it seems a little late if I truly am 4dpo. I guess it shouldn't matter. We covered all our bases when it came to the sex part of thing. ;-) I think I'm more anxious about my ovulation date because that'll tell me when to expect aunt flo and when I can possibly test and expect a truthful response out of the pee stick. It's close already to testing time and I find I'm more apprehensive than excited. I am, (how you say?) weirded out by the fact that this could actually work. I've spent the last 3 years of life being the pissed off infertile. Really. How can you be the pissed off infertile if you get pregnant? LOL Of course, I'm joking. I want nothing more than to be pregnant, but I'm still scared of what the answer will be. If it's negative, of course, I'll be crushed. If it's positive, I'll probably be in such a state of shock that I'll cry just like it were negative. And then comes the worrying about the pregnancy and miscarriage and over analyzing ever twinge near the abdominal area thinking that it all means that something is wrong. Am I ready for that? Absolutely! :-)

So....about 10 days until testing...

Ovulation---I think?!?

It seems that I have finally ovulated. Fertility Friend says 3 days ago, but I think it was just yesterday. I haven't done the override on my chart yet. I'm hoping that after a few more temps it will straighten itself out without my help. We definitely covered ourselves on the BD without a doubt! I felt like crap the last 3 days with bouts of nausea (maybe from being close to O?) and today I feel much better. Most of the awful cramps are gone and I don't feel as bloated as I have for the past week. I have high hopes that this month is going to turn out with a positive result and I'm just concentrating on staying calm and relaxed in the 2ww. It's not worth freaking out during the next two weeks only to get a big fat negative! So, I'll stay as calm as possible and if it's positive that'll be a BONUS!!

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers for the next couple of weeks!!

Cycle Day 9: Mission Ovulation

Okay so now I'm done with the clomid and feeling much better. I can feel my ovaries fairly well at this point, but that was to be expected since it was the same way on 50mg. However, today, the evening headache set in. I'm hoping that the headaches won't be as bad as last time on clomid, but I'm prepared. They will only last a couple of days, so I can handle that. It makes it alot easier this time around with Haley at school. Atleast when she's gone, I can catch a nap if I need to. I figure that I'll ovulate by cycle day 15. On 50mg I ovulated by my cycle day 15 ultra sound and assume that I ovulated on day 14 or very early morning hours of day 15. Either way, that egg was gone by the time the doc took a look. I'm hoping for similar results this time around. I'll start the ovulation strips tomorrow. I can't even begin to fathom ovulating earlier than day 14. Hell, I couldn't believe ovulating on day 14 or 15 before! It makes the cycle so short that it feels like it was barely there at all!! It cuts off about a week or so from what I am normally used to and lately I've begun getting accustomed to even longer cycles. The last cycle I had that lasted 40+ days, I didn't even test!! I just waited. LOL I didn't feel pregnant so I figured that there was no way. I was right, of course, so it was better that I waited. I hope that I can be as patient now that I am on something. It's so easy to over analyze and just get crazy wanting to test all the time and stuff. I don't want to go there because it just makes it so much harder when AF shows up!!

Mission Day 3: Operation Clomid

We have now officially made our way half way through this sweaty rainforest of hot flashes and I see the light!!! Two more days and this operation will be over, but that won't complete the mission. The rest of the mission is as follows:

CD 7- Complete Operation Clomid
CD 8- Begin our track due South while waiting on Mission Ovulation to begin. We will know that we are close to achieving our objective by testing the waters for deadly LH surges in the water ways leading out of the area.
CD 13-15 - estimated time of arrival at the rendezvous point to complete Operation Ovulation.
Immediately following the completion of Operation Ovulation- commence on Operation Two Week Wait.
CD 24- Operation two week wait will be very slowly trudging on. The men will be nearly insane with hot flashes and hormones. Some men will even be urging me, as captain, to test the outward water ways, to detect the illustrious hCg hormone so common in the area, to see how close we are to the city of Baby Growing in the region of Uterine Lining. However, it will be atleast another 4 days before we are close enough to begin our testing.
CD 28- Begin testing to see how close we are to Baby Growing in Uterine Lining. If negative, keep on the suggested course and test again tomorrow. If test results at any time in the next few days are positive, set course to Freak Out Point and call in your coordinates to the OB/GYN squad.
CD 29- Test again to see how close we are to Baby Growing. If negative test results, keep on the suggested course and test again tomorrow. If positive, see CD 28.
CD 30-Test again to see how lcose we are to Baby Growing. If negative test results, keep on the suggested course and test again tomorrow. If positive, see CD 28.
CD 31-Test again to see how close we are to Baby Growing. If negative test results, keep on the suggested course hoping for a hail mary to save the troop, but expecting Aunt Flow to swoop in and pick off the troop members one by one. If positive, see CD 28.
CD 32- Aunt Flow is due to storm the area and by this time the troop will most likely have already had some sightings of her little dog, Spot. The troop may die a slow death if they even make it this far. God save us all!!!

Mission Day 2: Operation Clomid

Yesterday, I ran frollicking through fields with blue birds singing on my shoulder because I didn't get a clomid migraine. Ha. Ha. Ha. I was just fine during the day. No problems at all. Then, along came last night and the monster that lives under my bed must have been having a bonfire because I was roasting! Trying like a mad woman to stretch my legs up the wall to find the coolest spot. It would have been marvelously funny to see someone else performing this charade, and I would have had a good laugh at their hot flashed ass expense. However, it wasn't someone else. It was me. I swore that I had been thrown to hell to battle my way out. Comical thinking back on it now, nonetheless. I have enough humor to laugh at my own stupidity.

So, here we find outselves thrust into day 2 of the evil clomid pills. Tonight, I'm betting that monster under the bed is going to install a sauna, have a bigger bonfire, and probably invite some flaming monster friend to join in the fun...

Happy New Year!

It is now officially 2008. There are times when I really can't believe so many years have passed and New Years Day is undoubtedly when it all comes to light. I can still remember writing 80-something on my schoolwork! It doesn't seem like it was THAT long ago.....does it?

On another note, I will be turning 26 this year. So, I am now officially on birthday strike and have decided that 25 suits me just fine and I plan on staying with it for a few more years. Paul even suggested reverting back to 24, but I somehow think that with enough birthdays I'd end up a teenager again and I don't think Paul would be able to handle that part of me. I was wild! So 25 it will stay. I will forever be immortalized as being in my mid-20's. :)

And on the fertility front--today starts the clomid. Ugh. I'll get through it though. If you pray, pray for me. Pray that I don't mess myself up taking this stuff without a doctor. Pray that it will work. And last, but not least, pray that I won't kill Paul in a clomid rage, the poor man!

That's about it. We're off to a wonderful start in 2008 and I'm hoping that it just keeps getting better from here!

Terror of the Night

As last night progressed, I lay balled into the fetal position on my couch trying to cry quietly so as to not wake Paul. I think that I have never felt such pain as I have felt with this period. Interesting it is since I do not have PCOS or endometriosis or any other condition that should cause such awful pain and cramping. All of my doctor's were sure that endometriosis was the cause of the pain because in my younger years I would breeze through my periods like they weren't even there. Often, I had found myself bragging at how lucky I was to never get even a hint of PMS, save a little exhaustion int he days leading up to my period. Those were the good old days. The days where I didn't own a heating pad and definitely had no need for one. I managed to catch about 45 minutes of rest before Paul came strolling to the living room ready to leave for work with all his chains and prison guard garb dangling around in a raucous. I finally broke down and took a half dose of Excedrin at nearly 5am. Although it did help to ease the pain, I then had nagging thoughts that wouldn't allow sleep to wash over me.

As most anyone would know who reads my blog, Haley is gone with her father for the holiday break until January 5th. Yesterday, I called her father's phone, answered by his ever sweet girlfriend, who informed me that Haley had gone out to lunch with sperm donor's mother. She was supposed to call me back within an hour. That hour came and passed with no call. I called back later in the day, sure that it had just been an oversight and no big deal. Well, then there was no answer. So, I left a message. Yet, still there has been no call back. This leaves me worried, to say the least. I have the uncanny feeling that my daughter is miserable. She wants to come home and they don't want her to talk to me yet because they know that she will tell me exactly what is going on. Those fuckers. However, I could be incredibly wrong in my thinking. Somehow, my momma gut is kicking in and telling me otherwise. I think I'm right in my thinking, and will continue to think I'm right until I hear Haley tell me that she's having fun there. There is a nag that won't let me sleep. Then, my mind wanders to what shit I'm going to have to go through with the court system to resolve this problem. What great flaming hoops they'll have me jump through and in which ridiculous costume? Please imagine my fat ass in one of those tight little unitards asscheeks but half clad in sequins and the rest hanging out for the world to count the ass dimples. Don't forget in this vision to include the barely there breasts smashed flat in the overly tight attire and the rolls of back fat that undoubtedly will be impossible to conceal in that shiny little number. Oh, oh, and then there are the thighs, and you know I only shave to just above the knee....so use you're imagination. Bikini line...oh lord, the bikini line....like I have an afro wig shoved into the crotch of that leotard....

Back to the story now that you have a full picture of what the court makes you do to get anything done....

Now, I'm just pissed off. I'm all in a rage and I swear on all that is Holy....if my phone doesn't ring today I am going to beat the living shit out of SOMEONE. Then, just for kicks, I'll call sperm donor's mother and give her a piece of my mind too. She's oh so fun, barrel of laughs kinda fun, to scream at. Besides, she takes all my threats seriously and actually calls him and his girlfriend and let's them have it. And if that really doesn't work....sperm donor's grandmother will be next on the list because she loves me dearly to this day, and she's one tough old bitch who will never let anyone hear the end of it if I call her bitching. And last, but not least, then I'll put on my sparkly outfit, jump through flaming hoops, and really get him in a whole shit storm of paper work and court dates. This mother is NOT to be fucked with especially when I have PMS!!

How's that for being a "fucking cunt," Jeremy?

By the way....on the phone the other day he thought himself terribly witty by calling me a "fucking cunt," repeatedly. I mean, does he think he's the first person to call me that? God, no. He can't really be that stupid. Can he? I mean, I am a fucking cunt, but I don't think that's a news flash to anyone and certainly not to me! He's so brilliant....I mean, brilliantly ignorant that it's entertaining. I hope he sees padded walls and men in white coats just once in his life....and if there is a God, I will be there to watch them drag him off.

Clomid Confessions

Cycle day one has come. The evil that is known so fondly as Aunt Flow is chomping at the bit and ready to go. She brought along her usual baggage of cramps and back ache. How dare she bring so much shit with her?!?

Anyways, now that she has arrived, I will soon be starting clomid. Yay, or umm, not so yay. Because clomid is the worst medication on the face of the earth. It was put here to drive infertiles mad with rage. Ever wonder why a childless woman kills her husband? Clomid. It was all the clomid. I promise you that it was a clomid induced rage. I know that in approximately 4 days I will want to rip Paul's face off and pour salt on the wounds, just for my own amusement. Hell, I haven't even started the clomid and I'm entertaining the thought. No, not really, but it would be funny if I really was thinking about doing that! Laugh. Go ahead, it's okay to laugh.

So, I'm curious as to what sick, demented, and wondrous ideas I will come up with once I actually start this higher dose of clomid? It remains to be seen kids, but I assure you, they will be fun!! Painfully fun. Muahahaha. For Paul that is, and maybe if I'm in a deliciously clomid induced psychotic mood, the dog and the kid will be included.

I should write a "Clomid Confessions" book. I think it would be a top seller. Kinda like chicken soup for the soul, only much darker. Women can confess the most morbid thoughts that they entertained while on the drug and we'll put the best, and most disgusting ones in the book! I mean, every woman who is wanting to go on clomid surely would buy a copy and with infertility rates rising daily, or rather women who think they are infertile at age 22 and trying for a total of 4 months. I'll be a millionaire in a month!! Now, to find a publisher....

Bravery? No way, Mom!

So, I've had an interesting few days.

Haley has gone off to spend 10 days with the sperm donor. She was terribly upset at the thought of going. She didn't want to be brave, she just wanted to stay home. I kept reminding her that there would be presents there and she had an answer for that, too. "Nobody there will get any presents because they're all bad." Can't argue with that too much, can I? I won't. I think she's right and I have always been honest with Haley about most things in her life with the exception of Santa Clause and where babies come from. I have to sit her down sometime in the next year to explain where babies really do come from. Her bio-dad and his unwed girlfriend tried to tell her something along the lines of "When God knows that you are ready for a baby..." I squashed that fairly quickly. God, if you believe in that, only put one baby anywhere and that was Jesus into the virgin Mary. All other babies are strictly the product of free will. Or else "When God thinks you're ready for a baby...." and we'd have all kinds of knocked up virgins and no pregnant 13 year olds. Now, don't get me wrong, babies are miracles, I just don't think they are that brand of miracle. Speaking of the sperm donor and his girlfriend, they are having their baby sometime in the next month. Another bastard child to roam the Earth. Another child he won't pay child support for once she realizes what a fucking idiot he is and gets her child as far away from him as possible. I'm not jealous though, oh no, with any hope now that he'll have a son, he'll leave MY daughter alone. Let her live her life with her mommy and daddy and quit trying to be a father 6 weeks out of the year. I'll even let him get away with not paying his child support. If he continues to be a thorn in my asshole, then I'll keep complaining that he doesn't pay so he can keep on going back to court to explain why he is a deadbeat. Haley, too, is not at all pleased at the prospect of having a brother, regardless of the fact that he'll live more than 3 hours away. She's pushing hard for me to have a baby though. Kids are weird.

On a side note, I've had a couple days of nausea, which has me wondering. I am pretty late in my cycle. However, I think it could be due to some sinus drainage and nothing to worry about. I guess we will see in a few days. My period should be here by the first of the year. No later.

Stupid Uterus

I think that my period is dutifully on it's way. I'm ready to start my clomid and I am in no mood to wait around on my period to start, especially if it decides to be a couple weeks late. It wouldn't be uncommon for me to have a 45 day cycle, but I'm really hoping for a 32 day cycle this go around. I can probably even deal with a 35 day cycle, but any longer than that, and I'll have to go all kung fu on my uterus and kick it's ever loving ass. Stupid uterus, anyways, what's it done for me lately?

Optimism Facing The Beast

I fnd myself, today, quite optimistic. I have a wonderful feeling that 2008 is going to be my year to finally find myself pregnant. I will start my clomid in January, or even maybe on the last few days of December. What a wonderful way to send off 2007--with all the hope that 2008 is going to be better. Usually, I don't really make a big deal of a new year rolling in. I make pointless resolutions knowing that I won't follow through. That's about it. Sometimes, I don't even bother to make the resolutions at all. I think this year my resolution is to be a more patient mother, a more understanding, loving wife, and my final resolution is to get pregnant in 2008. Whether the baby is born in 2008 or 2009 is of no consequence. 2008 is preferred, obviously, but 2009 is fine with me too! There just seems to be something in me that KNOWS this is the year. That, and the fact that my couple of psychic readings say so. I know--I'm a whack job to believe in psychics. Don't judge. If the psychic's were right or very near to right--I will let you all know! The one psychic was dead on in predicting my friend Lisa's pregnancy. So, I do have some faith in it. Only time will tell though!

I can simply feel that 2008 is going to be great!

Lisa's Pregnant!

A great friend of mine, Lisa, found out that she was pregnant! I am completely overjoyed for her and her husband. Lisa, like me, has struggled a very long time with secondary infertility. For the last 2 years, we have been infertile together. The emotions following her telling me that she had just gotten a positive pregnancy test were as follows:

First, complete and utter joy. How can you be anything less than ecstatic for a friend who has been trying to have a baby for so long? It was full out though. My heart was beating a million miles a minute and I started shaking. You would have thought that I had found out I was pregnant!! It was quite comical. Then, my phone died. Ugh. Stupid phone.

So, as I sat there on AIM talking to Lisa, it hit me. The realization. You know--THE realization. The one where you go "Oh my God! Now, I'm the ONLY one left in our forum group who has not yet conceived baby number two." As a matter of fact, one of my forum girls is pregnant with baby number three and several others are ready to start trying for number three. And here I sit--infertile as all get out. Woohoo for me. Even though I was at that time ready to have my pity party, it still didn't stop me from being so happy for Lisa. It's a weird conflicting emotion to be a miserable infertile, and still rejoice that another infertile has officially overcome all the obstacles and gotten herself pregnant. So, I went and laid down in bed with Paul and had a good half hour talk and a good hard cry. Paul pissed me off cracking jokes, trying to elicit a smile from me. It didn't work. He's a man. I suppose it's in his genetic structure to be assanine.

I had my pity party. I didn't deny myself a single tear that I needed to get out. I let it flow. I didn't cry because I was upset that she is pregnant. I cried for me, for myself. I cried because I grievously miss my fertility. I cried because I am now the outcast. The single infertile left in a group of 12 or so women, most of whom conceived easily and without much trying. I cried because I have invested so much into trying to get pregnant including painful procedures, surgery, thousands upon thousands of dollars in doctor's appointments, pregnancy tests, ovulation tests, vitamins, herbs....you name it and I've invested in it. Three years of my life is invested into getting pregnant. Yes, next month will hit the three year mark for us. I may have another pity party that day, I can't say yet, but I may. The journey to becoming a parent for a second time has been almost more than I can bear, yet, I always seem to press on, to put on a smile, to be brave, to be positive. Today, I don't feel like I can be positive any more. I fear that infertility has dealt the blow that broke me. Three years. Jesus. That's somethin'. Then the calm hit. All in a moment, I was okay again. I'm still not whole, not complete without another baby, but for now, I'm okay.

So, I got back on AIM with Lisa. The phone was anticipatedly perched upon the charger awaiting it's next call. I convinced Lisa to post her test on the forum, although I think she is scared that it's going to be some kind of jinx. I don't think so. I think she's finally going to get her take home baby. Then, she expressed her guilt. She felt guilty telling me, felt guilty posting on the forum without first getting my permission. What a wonderful, precious friend to be so caring. However, her guilt is not necessary. I was really eager for her to post her picture and announce her pregnancy. I wanted to be the first one to congratulate her. I am not jealous of her or her pregnancy. I am just purely happy for her and her family. Most especially happy that I have such a great friend who is going to be blessed with another little one to pitter patter around the house. My heart still aches for my own little one, and my heart has ached for the last two years for her to have a little one. So, today, my ache is less, and for that I'm grateful.

To my wonderful friend, Lisa, if she should wander by to read this...
You and I have been through some rough times together. I am so excited for you, your family, and the new little one that you will be bringing into this world in a short 9 months. Please, do me the favor of enjoying your pregnancy, cherishing every minute, and not feeling guilty. I have prayed too many prayers for you, for them all to go unanswered. It's your time to shine so show off that pregnant glow! Do not let a minute of guilt even enter into your thoughts. I am glad that I didn't get pregnant before you. You know that. I said I'd go last. That sticks out so clearly in my mind, that I figure God kept it in my memory for a reason. I am a woman who sticks to her word. I'll probably be magically fertile now. If I am, I'll owe it all to you and your pregnancy. LOL Take care of that baby!

Positive Thoughts

It seems I'm a bad blogger. Hmph. Well, it's only the truth, I suppose. I forget about it for days and days on end. I don't dream about blogging or even really think about it all that much. I don't plan out my posts. Hell, I don't even use correct punctuation in most cases. It's fun to annoy people with punctuation!?!?! Yes, it is, it really really is!! Try it sometime. I promise. Big fun.

Anywho...I started my period today. The cramps aren't too bad yet though. Thank God! I don't think I could take cramps with my clomid not having arrived yet. Which has been the focus of my obsession as of the last couple weeks. That shit still ain't here and I'm beginning to get impatient. I understand they say that it will take 12-18 workdays to arrive, but this is ME we're delivering to, that's gotta mean you'll get it here in like 4 days, right? So, all in all, my perception that the entire world revolves around me came crashing down. My clomid hasn't arrived. Hopefully, in the next couple of days so that this cycle won't be a complete waste. It might actually be a stress-free cycle since Haley will be gone for the last week. Well, atleast the last couple days. Then, I could obsess without having to feed, clothe, and bathe her. All of my obsessiveness could be focused properly on blowing secen thousand dollars on home pregnancy tests. No, not really. It's fun to think about though. Back to my original thought for a moment....my clomid has a couple days to get here before the cycle is scrapped. I need to start taking it by day 5. I can tell you though, it just really irks me that the ONE month that I am hoping my period come late, which isn't that uncommon for me, and here she is RIGHT ON TIME. Stupid mother nature. Yes, that's me pouting.

I do have some other things that I need to do....I need to get a basal body thermometer. My old one has been lost or misplaced and it was old anyways. A new one will be good. I am only temping because I'll be taking the clomid without monitoring. Frankly, I just don't want to end up pregnant and then have a period and take the clomid again. That would probably not be good. Temping atleast should help me to avoid that, if it were to come up. I don't know if clomid is going to be the answer for us or not. I can tell you though, I am sure hoping this shit works! If it doesn't, it will a very long time before I am able to go back to the doctor for an IUI or anything of the sort. Besides, IUI cycles can cost an arm and a leg. Up to four thousand dollars a cycle, since if I did IUI we would do it with injectables. Sigh. Let's just hope it doesn't come to that because if it does, I'm not sure that we will ever have another child. I don't know that we want to spend that kind of cash on ONE procedure without ANY guarantees that it will work, and even if it does, pregnancy is no guarantee that you will bring home a baby in 9 months. Either way, let's try to stay positive about all this.

My clomid WILL arrive in the next couple days.
The clomid WILL work, and I will have a healthy, happy pregnancy.
Positive. Positive. Positive!!!!

Join The "Miffed" Housewives Club

It appears that my clomid has not yet shipped from it's destination. I talked to one of the customer service representatives who assured me that this is some big holiday week where the drugs are to ship from. This could all be true. I would like to think that maybe I got scammed except for the fact that they haven't yet actually charged me for the pills, and they have real live customer service. If customer service hadn't been so on the ball, I might be thinking differently right now. I still have confidence that they will be shipped and arrive in a timely fashion. With any hope, "timely fashion" refers to "before my next period starts DAMMIT!"

I have a feeling that I would be rather miffed if my period decides to come on time and my pills don't. "Miffed" isn't actually the word I'd use, but for your virgin ears, I'll use it here. I think I'd opt for a long string of profanity instead of "miffed." As a matter of fact, I know I'd go for the profanity. I quite enjoy my foul mouth. It scares people away and makes some more interested. Usually others with foul mouths find it wonderful to find other's of their "kind." Most of my kind live in trailer parks and a good portion are ex-cons, truckers, sailors, etc. A few are normal housewives like me, but we normal housewives with foul mouths are a rare commodity.

So, I call to all the housewives out there in the world--explore your inner bitch. Use the F word ATLEAST once in every sentence. Say shit (in public) when you drop something, hurt yourself, damn near trip and smash your face into the pavement. Go on. Do it. Feels good doesn't it? Join us. Hehehehe.

And back on topic--my clomid better get here or I'm going to hurt someone. For real.

**UPDATE: Right after writing this post, I mean RIGHT AFTER, I went to check my email and had an email from the off shore pharmacy. My pills are on the way!

Good my little follicles--you will soon have the chance to grow and get big and juicy before bursting out and being nearly trampled by the waiting millions of sperm who plan on fertilizing you. Cut them some slack, they are blind afterall. It will be a good day. Come my pretties, come out of the ovary and play!!! Muhahaha.

My Steamy Affair

Sometime in December, my long lost lover, Clomid, will be coming back into my life. Our last torrid affair was short-lived with no momento to remember the affair by. I am hoping that this time before Clomid leaves, that I am atleast left with a momento--a positive pregnancy test.

This is how I'm imagining December's affair in my mind. Me and Clomid taking a snowy ride through Central Park on a horse drawn sleigh. Holding hands and whispering sweet nothings in each other's ears. This time, our affair will have none of the screaming and yelling mood swings of last time. Because it's winter, there won't be those hot flashes from our summer rendezvous. We will get along smashingly. I know that Clomid will only be in my life for five short days, but Clomid's presence will be felt for a full month atleast. In my grief at the end of the five days, I will then turn to my husband for consolation and love. We will have steamy, passionate sex for weeks in an attempt to heal my broken heart. A couple weeks later I'd notice that, oh, my stomach isn't feeling that great. I'm a little light headed from time to time. And where oh where has my period gone?

Here's to hoping!!!

HO HO Holiday Infertility

As the holidays roll near, I find that my mind wanders much more to having a baby. It's a difficult, painful thought most times. The thoughts that everyone else seems to be able to have children "by accident" and I can't even get pregnant when we try. It's jealousy. Pure, undaunted jealousy. Where most people would grow mean in it, I don't. Well, not most times anyways. I can truly say that I am happy when a family member or friend announces their pregnancy. I can't say I'm not jealous. I can't say that my heart doesn't break at my own misfortune. However, these days, it doesn't interfere with my joy for the happy couple. These days, now that it's been too long to count how long we've been trying for a baby of our own. These days, that I have seen friends and family get pregnant, have their babies, and now some are even pregnant again. Some even have a second child in the time I've been trying. The hurt used to be worse. It's subsided over the past couple years, at the very least it has lessened in intensity. I think that I have finally come to a point in this journey where I would be okay if I never got pregnant again. I have one beautiful daughter. That's more than some women get. However, during the holidays, the thought of Haley doesn't seem to deter me from wanting another child so badly that it's like a hard, painful lump in my heart. An ache in my gut so strong it's almost palpable. A yearning in my loins.....

Ok. Yearning of the loins. Not really my style, and frankly, at this point, my loins yearn for nothing but privacy. No more doc's in the va-jay-jay, please.

In the last couple of months, I have been surprised. My good friend, known herein as only S, is pregnant with her third child, a girl after two boys. S and her husband weren't expecting this baby as they had just had a son a few months earlier. When she announced her pregnancy, I thought that Iwould be hurt, my inadequacy as a woman exposed. However, exactly the opposite reaction is what I got. I was happy for S and her husband. Not jealous, not mad, not more aware of my inadequacy, not even envious. I thought there would be a flood of these emotions, and they were absent, in all their mean mannered glory. Just not there. I was happy for her and I was praying every night that she would get the girl she wanted so badly. It was weird. Welcomed, but still, weird.

The other thing that has surprised me recently is Paul. He has been talking about babies. Dropping hints about having a baby as big as the Mackinac Bridge. He's anxious about it like I used to be. He wants me to go through all the crap that I used to put myself through just trying to get pregnant. Quit eating motrin like it's the elixir of life, basal temping, ovulation strips, fourteen thousand pregnancy tests per month, and the list goes on and on. I can't say I'm ready to get that far back into things again. I don't think that our problem lies in "not hitting the mark" at the right time of the month. I think our problem needs full-time attention by a doctor. A trained doctor, not the D average med student, who just graduated 4 minutes ago. Someone who is at the least, in his or her forties. A doc whose been around the block a few times--seen enough va-ja-jay's that my big hairy bush won't send them running for the hills.

So....our money situation has improved dramatically in the last few months. We actually have some extra money. It's an odd feeling considering that since the day we got down here we have been broker than broke, savings gone, checking account overdrawn even. It's all better now, thank goodness. Still, our insurance sucks ass to the point that NO infertility services are covered whatsoever. Thank you for your consideration Anthem Blue Cross and Blue Shield. Atleast in Michigan, our blue cross covered all of our appointments and monitoring, and even portions of medications. We just had co-pays, which did pile up to a nice hefty bill, but atleast we weren't paying the whole thing out of pocket!! I don't know really what I would have to do to make the money to pay for a doc here.

I need to come up with a creative way to raise some money for infertility treatments. Any ideas?

The Infertility Diaries

Well, this one won't be long, but just wanted to give a little background info on this subject to anyone who may accidentally run across this blog.

Paul and I are classified as an infertile couple--unexplained infertility even. What exactly do we pay doctors for? We started trying to get pregnant way back in January of 2005. We tried and tried for a long time, to no avail. Finally, we went to see a doctor. We had the typical fertility work-up--sperm analysis, blood work, all that good stuff. I had a nice date with the dildo cam. Let me say "Oh, joy!" Didn't even buy me dinner. I also had a laproscopy, D&C, tubal fulgaration, hysterosalpingogram, and untold numbers of doctors looking at my nether regions. Everything came back basically normal. Paul's sperm analysis was a little on the low side in motility, but nothing that would hinder conception. Except for the fact that my ovaries suck ass. They just up and decided that they don't want to work. Fine. Be that way.

Since then, we haven't been back to see any more doctors. Our insurance changed dramatically with our move and Paul's new career. The new insurance, like my ovaries, sucks ass.

There you have it. The awful truth. Infertility is a bitch.