Nah-uh Blogger Sucks

I like to change up my blog every once in awhile, but blogger makes it so damn difficult to do so. I mean, their choices for templates is shameful, at best. The ones that are out there on the net for free aren't exactly great, although there is a large selection. It can take days to find a suitable skin for your blog. Then, once you've put it all that hard work to make your blog beautiful, what happens? Oh yes, we're going to cancel all your widgets on ya so you have to re-do each and every one of them.

Mother. Fucker.

That Nagging Voice

It's 5:30am. I haven't slept a wink. I have my NT testing today. Ironically, I'm not scared of the test or results of that test. I'm scared of the ultrasound. What if that little one's heart is no longer beating? What would I do? How would we cope with it at this point?

I have to believe that everything will be fine, but we're still in the scary part of the pregnancy. We're a few weeks away from the second trimester. I know I'll sigh a long sigh of relief when I reach that point!

I once remember a conversation Paul and I had that went something like this:

Mindy: It's going to be wonderful when I get pregnant. No more worrying about temping, charting, OPK's, HPT's, CM, CP, etc.

Paul: Well, then you'll just worry about the pregnancy and baby

Mindy: No, definitely not. I'm going to enjoy every minute of it because it can all be gone in the blink of an eye. Besides, my problem isn't STAYING pregnant, it's GETTING pregnant. I'll be able to relax once I see two lines on a test.

This conversation took place only months before I actually got pregnant. I was so sure that I would be able to relax and enjoy this. All I've done is worry. The first few weeks were okay, but there was always that little voice in my head telling me that I should do what everyone else does and get the beta's done and the early ultrasounds, but I didn't. Everything was fine at 9 weeks without all of that. Now tonight, all I've done is worry that now that I've calmed a bit and seen our little bean moving around and heart beating away. Suddenly now, the fear that it will all be ripped away from me is so overwhelming that I could nearly choke on it.

When I was pregnant with Haley I worried, but not like this. Once the first trimester came to an end I was confident and glowing and happy with being pregnant. I hope that I can experience that carefree joy of pregnancy again, but somehow it seems out of reach for the moment. Maybe in my long journey to become pregnant I've learned too much. I've read too many women's stories of heartache and pain. I know that getting pregnant is no guarantee that you'll get a baby. Hell, even making the second trimester is no guarantee that you'll bring home a baby. It's all too scary to think about, but it nags my brain anyways.

So, only 3 more hours or so and I'll see what's going on in this uterus of mine.

Until then, I'd like to take a moment to send out my most heartfelt condolences to my friend Joy and her husband RD. This past weekend their pregnancy came to a bitter end at just past the 7 week mark. I really can't imagine going through a miscarriage when it's a baby you want so badly. Please send up a few prayers while they grieve their loss. I know it would be dearly appreciated. It's so hard to wallow in my fear when they are in so much pain and I know they would give a limb to just be in fear over an ultrasound instead of bearing the loss.

Lunacy and Lysol

I'm driving myself nuts. Literally.

While pregnant with Haley, I never got much of the "nesting" everyone talks about. My only concern was having things ready for her: crib, clothes, bottles, etc. This time around seems to be so much different already. How can nesting start in the first trimester? Well, folks, let me tell you- it has!

I have no energy at all and I am nauseous a good portion of everyday, and yet, all I can think about is cleaning. I might lay down with the intention of sneaking a nap, and all I can do is lay there thinking about what I should get up and clean. It's beginning to interfere with normal thought process even. I can't stand it anymore.

The only rational explanation of all of this is that my newest obsession is not only pregnancy related, but also my extra-awful case of spring fever. The two, working in harmony, are driving me mad. I'll be certifiable by early next week, I'm sure of it. The men in white coats will be here to drag me off to my padded room any day now. So, if you don't hear from me for awhile, that's where I'll be: Bellview!!

The One Week Wait

Now it seems that I'm down to one week left til test time. Woot! Woot! I am 8dpo today. I couldn't temp this morning because I woke up at 3:30am and was in the thick of a hot flash, had to pee and really really needed to take something for my cough. Without even thinking of temping, I got up and went to the bathroom and took a lil something for the cough. I can tell you that it's not working at all. I think I've got a sinus infection that's draining into my lungs. Yay. So, it feels like I've got a upper respiratory infection now too. To top it ALL off, my ear is hurting this morning too! Hopefully, I can get past this before it gets to be an ear infection. Once Haley is off to school maybe I'll try to get a nap and that way maybe I'll be able to get a temp of some kind for my chart (as unreliable as it may be).

I just feel like boiled crap though and I hope I can kick this soon!! It's going to be test time and how can I celebrate my BFP if I'm hacking up a lung and sniffling? Stupid cold.

To really make things great--it's going to be freezing here this weekend. On Saturday we are going to have a high temp of 11. Yes, 11 degrees, the HIGH. The low will be in the single digits and the wind chill will be negative! Brr. Screw all of this bad Indiana weather. I'm moving to someplace warm!

In Your Face, Mindy!!

Well, another friend is pregnant. Maybe this is the clomid talking, but I'm angry and I'm upset. There is more to it all than JUST that she is pregnant. I'm happy for her that she is getting the THIRD baby that she wants. I think it just falls right into the category of being insensitive how it was announced. No, I won't make apologies for being upset or angry at the way things have been handled. Those are my true feelings on the matter, so it's better that it's known. I think it's definitely time for a break from one of my forums. It's so very obvious that nobody takes into consideration my feelings or what I go through every week, every month and every year since very few of them can even relate to any of it and several don't even try...

Mission Day 3: Operation Clomid

We have now officially made our way half way through this sweaty rainforest of hot flashes and I see the light!!! Two more days and this operation will be over, but that won't complete the mission. The rest of the mission is as follows:

CD 7- Complete Operation Clomid
CD 8- Begin our track due South while waiting on Mission Ovulation to begin. We will know that we are close to achieving our objective by testing the waters for deadly LH surges in the water ways leading out of the area.
CD 13-15 - estimated time of arrival at the rendezvous point to complete Operation Ovulation.
Immediately following the completion of Operation Ovulation- commence on Operation Two Week Wait.
CD 24- Operation two week wait will be very slowly trudging on. The men will be nearly insane with hot flashes and hormones. Some men will even be urging me, as captain, to test the outward water ways, to detect the illustrious hCg hormone so common in the area, to see how close we are to the city of Baby Growing in the region of Uterine Lining. However, it will be atleast another 4 days before we are close enough to begin our testing.
CD 28- Begin testing to see how close we are to Baby Growing in Uterine Lining. If negative, keep on the suggested course and test again tomorrow. If test results at any time in the next few days are positive, set course to Freak Out Point and call in your coordinates to the OB/GYN squad.
CD 29- Test again to see how close we are to Baby Growing. If negative test results, keep on the suggested course and test again tomorrow. If positive, see CD 28.
CD 30-Test again to see how lcose we are to Baby Growing. If negative test results, keep on the suggested course and test again tomorrow. If positive, see CD 28.
CD 31-Test again to see how close we are to Baby Growing. If negative test results, keep on the suggested course hoping for a hail mary to save the troop, but expecting Aunt Flow to swoop in and pick off the troop members one by one. If positive, see CD 28.
CD 32- Aunt Flow is due to storm the area and by this time the troop will most likely have already had some sightings of her little dog, Spot. The troop may die a slow death if they even make it this far. God save us all!!!

Clomid Confessions

Cycle day one has come. The evil that is known so fondly as Aunt Flow is chomping at the bit and ready to go. She brought along her usual baggage of cramps and back ache. How dare she bring so much shit with her?!?

Anyways, now that she has arrived, I will soon be starting clomid. Yay, or umm, not so yay. Because clomid is the worst medication on the face of the earth. It was put here to drive infertiles mad with rage. Ever wonder why a childless woman kills her husband? Clomid. It was all the clomid. I promise you that it was a clomid induced rage. I know that in approximately 4 days I will want to rip Paul's face off and pour salt on the wounds, just for my own amusement. Hell, I haven't even started the clomid and I'm entertaining the thought. No, not really, but it would be funny if I really was thinking about doing that! Laugh. Go ahead, it's okay to laugh.

So, I'm curious as to what sick, demented, and wondrous ideas I will come up with once I actually start this higher dose of clomid? It remains to be seen kids, but I assure you, they will be fun!! Painfully fun. Muahahaha. For Paul that is, and maybe if I'm in a deliciously clomid induced psychotic mood, the dog and the kid will be included.

I should write a "Clomid Confessions" book. I think it would be a top seller. Kinda like chicken soup for the soul, only much darker. Women can confess the most morbid thoughts that they entertained while on the drug and we'll put the best, and most disgusting ones in the book! I mean, every woman who is wanting to go on clomid surely would buy a copy and with infertility rates rising daily, or rather women who think they are infertile at age 22 and trying for a total of 4 months. I'll be a millionaire in a month!! Now, to find a publisher....

Heaven Help Me!!!!

OMG the mess!!! Haley destroyed the house this morning! Here I am, sick with the flu she brought home from school, and she's busy destroying the house! The kid must have woken up at 6am to do this much damage! She poured salt all over the floor, poured glitter all over the floor, and for some reason she had eggs out of the fridge!! I mean...c'mon kid! Cut your poor sick mother a break! What was she thinking? This picture here to the right is a small box of some craft stuff we keep in the house filled with glue, glitter, some construction paper, foam sheets, pipe cleaners. I don't even want to know HOW she got this down from the closet, but she did! And so goes the mess in the rest of the livingroom and kitchen. Here are a few pictures to document this adventure.....

Oh look, what's that? Those are 3 kool-aid packets! Oh wait, excuse me, one is hawaiian punch, which is even worse with it's extra super dooper mega redness. And, what did Miss Haley do with the red kool-aid you ask...

The one on the left there, that's the dog's food bowl. The best I can tell, the dog needed some kool-aid syrup. She didn't add enough water to make it anything more than that! The one on the right there, yup, that's my CARPET. As I'm sure you can tell, that isn't her kool-aid syrup straight on the carpet. I can't really say what happened before I woke up, but I can most certainly tell you that she attempted to clean that mess up! It's soaking wet and she had several rags out. Talk about mom being NOT HAPPY!! I can deal with alot of messes, but this is just beyond even my comprehension. Even all these hours later, I still don't think that it has fully sunk in yet. I did put some cleaner on that red spot and now you can hardly see it, but it's still there. I will have to go get something that gets red out.

These pictures don't even cover the mess in the kitchen! Salt all over the floor in there and more than it's share of red droplets all over. Then, she salted the arm of the couch and the floor beneath that. Maybe later on today, or even tomorrow, I will post the rest of the pictures of this atrocity! Heaven help me!!!!!!!

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut

Sometimes you feel like a nut,
Sometimes you don't.
Almond Joy's got nuts,
Mounds don't.

For Christ's sake, I can't get that little jingle out of my head!! Do they even play that stupid song on TV anymore? Have they played it on TV in the last 10 years? If so, I cannot recall having seen it since the mid-90's. How in the hell did I get that stuck in my head? Last night, I had a similar problem, only the slogan stuck in my head was:

Ch-ch-ch-CHIA!

Yes, you got it right, as in Chia Pets. Who invented those dumbass marvels of the plant world anyways? The bigger problem with chia pets is that they have been around since the stone age. Who the fuck buys those things? How have they stayed in business for so long? I mean, Haley wants one, but she's five. She wants everything she sees on TV so she doesn't count. I can just see tomorrow's slogan.

Clap on! Clap off! *clap clap* The Clapper!!!

I'm losing my marbles over here. I think it's getting worse every year. I mean, have you noticed what good music they are playing at the grocery store these days?

Someone smack me. Now. Please.

Do me a favor, anyone who reads this shit hole of a blog, tell me your favorite slogans. Let's see what weird shit you people have floating around in your heads. C'mon. I don't want to be the only asshole in cyberspace...

Positive Thoughts

It seems I'm a bad blogger. Hmph. Well, it's only the truth, I suppose. I forget about it for days and days on end. I don't dream about blogging or even really think about it all that much. I don't plan out my posts. Hell, I don't even use correct punctuation in most cases. It's fun to annoy people with punctuation!?!?! Yes, it is, it really really is!! Try it sometime. I promise. Big fun.

Anywho...I started my period today. The cramps aren't too bad yet though. Thank God! I don't think I could take cramps with my clomid not having arrived yet. Which has been the focus of my obsession as of the last couple weeks. That shit still ain't here and I'm beginning to get impatient. I understand they say that it will take 12-18 workdays to arrive, but this is ME we're delivering to, that's gotta mean you'll get it here in like 4 days, right? So, all in all, my perception that the entire world revolves around me came crashing down. My clomid hasn't arrived. Hopefully, in the next couple of days so that this cycle won't be a complete waste. It might actually be a stress-free cycle since Haley will be gone for the last week. Well, atleast the last couple days. Then, I could obsess without having to feed, clothe, and bathe her. All of my obsessiveness could be focused properly on blowing secen thousand dollars on home pregnancy tests. No, not really. It's fun to think about though. Back to my original thought for a moment....my clomid has a couple days to get here before the cycle is scrapped. I need to start taking it by day 5. I can tell you though, it just really irks me that the ONE month that I am hoping my period come late, which isn't that uncommon for me, and here she is RIGHT ON TIME. Stupid mother nature. Yes, that's me pouting.

I do have some other things that I need to do....I need to get a basal body thermometer. My old one has been lost or misplaced and it was old anyways. A new one will be good. I am only temping because I'll be taking the clomid without monitoring. Frankly, I just don't want to end up pregnant and then have a period and take the clomid again. That would probably not be good. Temping atleast should help me to avoid that, if it were to come up. I don't know if clomid is going to be the answer for us or not. I can tell you though, I am sure hoping this shit works! If it doesn't, it will a very long time before I am able to go back to the doctor for an IUI or anything of the sort. Besides, IUI cycles can cost an arm and a leg. Up to four thousand dollars a cycle, since if I did IUI we would do it with injectables. Sigh. Let's just hope it doesn't come to that because if it does, I'm not sure that we will ever have another child. I don't know that we want to spend that kind of cash on ONE procedure without ANY guarantees that it will work, and even if it does, pregnancy is no guarantee that you will bring home a baby in 9 months. Either way, let's try to stay positive about all this.

My clomid WILL arrive in the next couple days.
The clomid WILL work, and I will have a healthy, happy pregnancy.
Positive. Positive. Positive!!!!

Join The "Miffed" Housewives Club

It appears that my clomid has not yet shipped from it's destination. I talked to one of the customer service representatives who assured me that this is some big holiday week where the drugs are to ship from. This could all be true. I would like to think that maybe I got scammed except for the fact that they haven't yet actually charged me for the pills, and they have real live customer service. If customer service hadn't been so on the ball, I might be thinking differently right now. I still have confidence that they will be shipped and arrive in a timely fashion. With any hope, "timely fashion" refers to "before my next period starts DAMMIT!"

I have a feeling that I would be rather miffed if my period decides to come on time and my pills don't. "Miffed" isn't actually the word I'd use, but for your virgin ears, I'll use it here. I think I'd opt for a long string of profanity instead of "miffed." As a matter of fact, I know I'd go for the profanity. I quite enjoy my foul mouth. It scares people away and makes some more interested. Usually others with foul mouths find it wonderful to find other's of their "kind." Most of my kind live in trailer parks and a good portion are ex-cons, truckers, sailors, etc. A few are normal housewives like me, but we normal housewives with foul mouths are a rare commodity.

So, I call to all the housewives out there in the world--explore your inner bitch. Use the F word ATLEAST once in every sentence. Say shit (in public) when you drop something, hurt yourself, damn near trip and smash your face into the pavement. Go on. Do it. Feels good doesn't it? Join us. Hehehehe.

And back on topic--my clomid better get here or I'm going to hurt someone. For real.

**UPDATE: Right after writing this post, I mean RIGHT AFTER, I went to check my email and had an email from the off shore pharmacy. My pills are on the way!

Good my little follicles--you will soon have the chance to grow and get big and juicy before bursting out and being nearly trampled by the waiting millions of sperm who plan on fertilizing you. Cut them some slack, they are blind afterall. It will be a good day. Come my pretties, come out of the ovary and play!!! Muhahaha.

Saturday Morning Bender

Take up drinking? Certainly. Why not? Pass me a bottle of the hard stuff. Vodka. Whiskey. Even the dreaded tequila that makes me so ill. Sure. I'll take it all.

I'll take this drink:

Four Horsemen
1/4 oz Jim Beam

1/4 oz Jack Daniel's

1/4 oz Johnnie Walker

1/4 oz Jose Cuervo

Serve straight up. Makes one shot. Two or three shots will
knock ya down.

I'm not much of a drinker, but I'm seriously thinking of taking it up as a hobby. Maybe I can start going on week long benders everytime my period shows up. That's the preemptive plan for next month. I already missed 2 days of this cycle so it's just not worth it. Besides, I don't have any liquor in the house. The double-you-over-in-screaming-pain cramps that I have will keep me in the house for a few more days yet. Even moreso, the cranium splitting migraine will keep me holed up trying to keep all light sources at bay.

Tequila. Lots of it. Put it on my tab, bartender.

As another Christmas approaches I realize exactly what the holidays have come to represent for me--another year without a baby, without a pregnancy, without the hope that it will eventually happen. This new year brings Paul and I to three years of this crap. Yes, really three. Of course, there have been numerous breaks in there, but who could try for that long and not take breaks? I have no need to explain myself to anyone anyways. Anyone who has been in my situation will fully understand, while anyone who has never been here could never understand. I wouldn't have understood if someone has said these things to me 3 years ago.

Whiskey, on the rocks, please. Make it a double.

That bender is sounding better all the time! Now that Haley has decided that I am the most intelligent being on the face of the Earth and has five million questions including "What's the meaning of life?" All the while her little voice is ricocheting nicely off my mushy brain matter and I swear it has penetrated the optic nerve. Even worse than her voice and her game of 5 billion questions, are the cartoons that she insists on watching. Since when does Pokemon make sense? Ugh. Awful cartoons these days. What happened to the good ol' days? Now that I think about it, those cartoons weren't that much better.

Could you just top off this glass barkeep? I mean...just leave the bottle. I'll slug it down when I feel my cramps again. Hic. Up. Hic.

What's really sad and even more pitiful is that it's 8:30am and I think I'm being funny and I know full well that I sound like a miserable old drunk with nothing better to do than whine about being an infertile in an overly fertile world. Yeah. Bite me. Go make some babies. Leave me alone. I'm having fun. Atleast I entertain myself with sex and 80's cartoons. No need for condoms either and that brings an entirely new pleasure to life that fertiles just don't get. Ha. Ha. In your face! Yeah...now what? Huh?

I. am. so. funny.

If I was drunk--I would think I was twice and funny and, in reality, wouldn't be half as funny. Just an observation. Pass me that bottle. It's early--I have all day to get REALLY drunk. This should be interesting.

Oh...and one more thing before I close this up--what's with stupid people online? Lisa and I had a run in with a real winner in the forum's new chat room thing that we installed on there. It's great fun, but I guess the crazies wander in occasionally.