Terror of the Night

As last night progressed, I lay balled into the fetal position on my couch trying to cry quietly so as to not wake Paul. I think that I have never felt such pain as I have felt with this period. Interesting it is since I do not have PCOS or endometriosis or any other condition that should cause such awful pain and cramping. All of my doctor's were sure that endometriosis was the cause of the pain because in my younger years I would breeze through my periods like they weren't even there. Often, I had found myself bragging at how lucky I was to never get even a hint of PMS, save a little exhaustion int he days leading up to my period. Those were the good old days. The days where I didn't own a heating pad and definitely had no need for one. I managed to catch about 45 minutes of rest before Paul came strolling to the living room ready to leave for work with all his chains and prison guard garb dangling around in a raucous. I finally broke down and took a half dose of Excedrin at nearly 5am. Although it did help to ease the pain, I then had nagging thoughts that wouldn't allow sleep to wash over me.

As most anyone would know who reads my blog, Haley is gone with her father for the holiday break until January 5th. Yesterday, I called her father's phone, answered by his ever sweet girlfriend, who informed me that Haley had gone out to lunch with sperm donor's mother. She was supposed to call me back within an hour. That hour came and passed with no call. I called back later in the day, sure that it had just been an oversight and no big deal. Well, then there was no answer. So, I left a message. Yet, still there has been no call back. This leaves me worried, to say the least. I have the uncanny feeling that my daughter is miserable. She wants to come home and they don't want her to talk to me yet because they know that she will tell me exactly what is going on. Those fuckers. However, I could be incredibly wrong in my thinking. Somehow, my momma gut is kicking in and telling me otherwise. I think I'm right in my thinking, and will continue to think I'm right until I hear Haley tell me that she's having fun there. There is a nag that won't let me sleep. Then, my mind wanders to what shit I'm going to have to go through with the court system to resolve this problem. What great flaming hoops they'll have me jump through and in which ridiculous costume? Please imagine my fat ass in one of those tight little unitards asscheeks but half clad in sequins and the rest hanging out for the world to count the ass dimples. Don't forget in this vision to include the barely there breasts smashed flat in the overly tight attire and the rolls of back fat that undoubtedly will be impossible to conceal in that shiny little number. Oh, oh, and then there are the thighs, and you know I only shave to just above the knee....so use you're imagination. Bikini line...oh lord, the bikini line....like I have an afro wig shoved into the crotch of that leotard....

Back to the story now that you have a full picture of what the court makes you do to get anything done....

Now, I'm just pissed off. I'm all in a rage and I swear on all that is Holy....if my phone doesn't ring today I am going to beat the living shit out of SOMEONE. Then, just for kicks, I'll call sperm donor's mother and give her a piece of my mind too. She's oh so fun, barrel of laughs kinda fun, to scream at. Besides, she takes all my threats seriously and actually calls him and his girlfriend and let's them have it. And if that really doesn't work....sperm donor's grandmother will be next on the list because she loves me dearly to this day, and she's one tough old bitch who will never let anyone hear the end of it if I call her bitching. And last, but not least, then I'll put on my sparkly outfit, jump through flaming hoops, and really get him in a whole shit storm of paper work and court dates. This mother is NOT to be fucked with especially when I have PMS!!

How's that for being a "fucking cunt," Jeremy?

By the way....on the phone the other day he thought himself terribly witty by calling me a "fucking cunt," repeatedly. I mean, does he think he's the first person to call me that? God, no. He can't really be that stupid. Can he? I mean, I am a fucking cunt, but I don't think that's a news flash to anyone and certainly not to me! He's so brilliant....I mean, brilliantly ignorant that it's entertaining. I hope he sees padded walls and men in white coats just once in his life....and if there is a God, I will be there to watch them drag him off.

Bravery? No way, Mom!

So, I've had an interesting few days.

Haley has gone off to spend 10 days with the sperm donor. She was terribly upset at the thought of going. She didn't want to be brave, she just wanted to stay home. I kept reminding her that there would be presents there and she had an answer for that, too. "Nobody there will get any presents because they're all bad." Can't argue with that too much, can I? I won't. I think she's right and I have always been honest with Haley about most things in her life with the exception of Santa Clause and where babies come from. I have to sit her down sometime in the next year to explain where babies really do come from. Her bio-dad and his unwed girlfriend tried to tell her something along the lines of "When God knows that you are ready for a baby..." I squashed that fairly quickly. God, if you believe in that, only put one baby anywhere and that was Jesus into the virgin Mary. All other babies are strictly the product of free will. Or else "When God thinks you're ready for a baby...." and we'd have all kinds of knocked up virgins and no pregnant 13 year olds. Now, don't get me wrong, babies are miracles, I just don't think they are that brand of miracle. Speaking of the sperm donor and his girlfriend, they are having their baby sometime in the next month. Another bastard child to roam the Earth. Another child he won't pay child support for once she realizes what a fucking idiot he is and gets her child as far away from him as possible. I'm not jealous though, oh no, with any hope now that he'll have a son, he'll leave MY daughter alone. Let her live her life with her mommy and daddy and quit trying to be a father 6 weeks out of the year. I'll even let him get away with not paying his child support. If he continues to be a thorn in my asshole, then I'll keep complaining that he doesn't pay so he can keep on going back to court to explain why he is a deadbeat. Haley, too, is not at all pleased at the prospect of having a brother, regardless of the fact that he'll live more than 3 hours away. She's pushing hard for me to have a baby though. Kids are weird.

On a side note, I've had a couple days of nausea, which has me wondering. I am pretty late in my cycle. However, I think it could be due to some sinus drainage and nothing to worry about. I guess we will see in a few days. My period should be here by the first of the year. No later.

Saturday Morning Bender

Take up drinking? Certainly. Why not? Pass me a bottle of the hard stuff. Vodka. Whiskey. Even the dreaded tequila that makes me so ill. Sure. I'll take it all.

I'll take this drink:

Four Horsemen
1/4 oz Jim Beam

1/4 oz Jack Daniel's

1/4 oz Johnnie Walker

1/4 oz Jose Cuervo

Serve straight up. Makes one shot. Two or three shots will
knock ya down.

I'm not much of a drinker, but I'm seriously thinking of taking it up as a hobby. Maybe I can start going on week long benders everytime my period shows up. That's the preemptive plan for next month. I already missed 2 days of this cycle so it's just not worth it. Besides, I don't have any liquor in the house. The double-you-over-in-screaming-pain cramps that I have will keep me in the house for a few more days yet. Even moreso, the cranium splitting migraine will keep me holed up trying to keep all light sources at bay.

Tequila. Lots of it. Put it on my tab, bartender.

As another Christmas approaches I realize exactly what the holidays have come to represent for me--another year without a baby, without a pregnancy, without the hope that it will eventually happen. This new year brings Paul and I to three years of this crap. Yes, really three. Of course, there have been numerous breaks in there, but who could try for that long and not take breaks? I have no need to explain myself to anyone anyways. Anyone who has been in my situation will fully understand, while anyone who has never been here could never understand. I wouldn't have understood if someone has said these things to me 3 years ago.

Whiskey, on the rocks, please. Make it a double.

That bender is sounding better all the time! Now that Haley has decided that I am the most intelligent being on the face of the Earth and has five million questions including "What's the meaning of life?" All the while her little voice is ricocheting nicely off my mushy brain matter and I swear it has penetrated the optic nerve. Even worse than her voice and her game of 5 billion questions, are the cartoons that she insists on watching. Since when does Pokemon make sense? Ugh. Awful cartoons these days. What happened to the good ol' days? Now that I think about it, those cartoons weren't that much better.

Could you just top off this glass barkeep? I mean...just leave the bottle. I'll slug it down when I feel my cramps again. Hic. Up. Hic.

What's really sad and even more pitiful is that it's 8:30am and I think I'm being funny and I know full well that I sound like a miserable old drunk with nothing better to do than whine about being an infertile in an overly fertile world. Yeah. Bite me. Go make some babies. Leave me alone. I'm having fun. Atleast I entertain myself with sex and 80's cartoons. No need for condoms either and that brings an entirely new pleasure to life that fertiles just don't get. Ha. Ha. In your face! Yeah...now what? Huh?

I. am. so. funny.

If I was drunk--I would think I was twice and funny and, in reality, wouldn't be half as funny. Just an observation. Pass me that bottle. It's early--I have all day to get REALLY drunk. This should be interesting.

Oh...and one more thing before I close this up--what's with stupid people online? Lisa and I had a run in with a real winner in the forum's new chat room thing that we installed on there. It's great fun, but I guess the crazies wander in occasionally.