On A Brighter Note

Not all is doom and gloom today. Blogger still sucks, but I do have some good news. Today I'm 13 weeks which marks the end of the first trimester. I haven't been able to breathe that sigh of relief yet, but I'm sure it's coming soon. My next doctor's appointment is on Tuesday and we should be able to hear the baby's heartbeat. We've been able to see it twice now, but I've been dying to HEAR it. I don't know why that seems more important than seeing it right now. So, I'm pretty excited for that!!

Only 2 days to wait. What will I do with my time until then?

NT Scan

I think out NT scan went about as well as it could. I think the measurements were good too! Then, the little blood test which is no more than a finger prick and 5 drops of blood. It all went pretty quickly too. I'm so glad we didn't have to sit in the hospital for hours!!

So, it seems my fears were unfounded. The baby was moving so much that the tech was threatening to reschedule the test for a different day when the baby wasn't so active. She was a real bitch, in my opinion.

This u/s was more emotional for both Paul and I. I was teary eyed and so was Paul. I think we were both so scared that what we'd seen on the monitor before was just a dream and they'd tell us that we weren't pregnant or something. As it turns out, we're definitely pregnant! Neither of us were weepy at the first u/s, so it caught us off guard that we were with this one. I think the first one in the doc's office was so exciting and there was so much adrenaline pumping that we just sat there in stunned amazement!

Our little one is looking like a real baby now, so maybe that's what made all the difference. It has long legs with knees and feet. It has fingers now too that you can see pretty clearly. You could tell the movements it made were deliberate to some extent as well. I can't really explain our joy, but it was pure and completely unpolluted with the fear we both normally feel. In that moment, in that darkened room, we could just be totally happy with looking at what will become our baby.

That Nagging Voice

It's 5:30am. I haven't slept a wink. I have my NT testing today. Ironically, I'm not scared of the test or results of that test. I'm scared of the ultrasound. What if that little one's heart is no longer beating? What would I do? How would we cope with it at this point?

I have to believe that everything will be fine, but we're still in the scary part of the pregnancy. We're a few weeks away from the second trimester. I know I'll sigh a long sigh of relief when I reach that point!

I once remember a conversation Paul and I had that went something like this:

Mindy: It's going to be wonderful when I get pregnant. No more worrying about temping, charting, OPK's, HPT's, CM, CP, etc.

Paul: Well, then you'll just worry about the pregnancy and baby

Mindy: No, definitely not. I'm going to enjoy every minute of it because it can all be gone in the blink of an eye. Besides, my problem isn't STAYING pregnant, it's GETTING pregnant. I'll be able to relax once I see two lines on a test.

This conversation took place only months before I actually got pregnant. I was so sure that I would be able to relax and enjoy this. All I've done is worry. The first few weeks were okay, but there was always that little voice in my head telling me that I should do what everyone else does and get the beta's done and the early ultrasounds, but I didn't. Everything was fine at 9 weeks without all of that. Now tonight, all I've done is worry that now that I've calmed a bit and seen our little bean moving around and heart beating away. Suddenly now, the fear that it will all be ripped away from me is so overwhelming that I could nearly choke on it.

When I was pregnant with Haley I worried, but not like this. Once the first trimester came to an end I was confident and glowing and happy with being pregnant. I hope that I can experience that carefree joy of pregnancy again, but somehow it seems out of reach for the moment. Maybe in my long journey to become pregnant I've learned too much. I've read too many women's stories of heartache and pain. I know that getting pregnant is no guarantee that you'll get a baby. Hell, even making the second trimester is no guarantee that you'll bring home a baby. It's all too scary to think about, but it nags my brain anyways.

So, only 3 more hours or so and I'll see what's going on in this uterus of mine.

Until then, I'd like to take a moment to send out my most heartfelt condolences to my friend Joy and her husband RD. This past weekend their pregnancy came to a bitter end at just past the 7 week mark. I really can't imagine going through a miscarriage when it's a baby you want so badly. Please send up a few prayers while they grieve their loss. I know it would be dearly appreciated. It's so hard to wallow in my fear when they are in so much pain and I know they would give a limb to just be in fear over an ultrasound instead of bearing the loss.

This is really happening!!!

We had our first prenatal appointment yesterday as well as our first ultrasound to verify fetal heart beat as well as measurements to date the pregnancy. As of yesterday, the baby measures 9 weeks and 4 days. He or she was moving around alot during the ultrasound. It looked like the baby was punching at the ultrasound wand. It was really cute. I can't believe that this is finally happening. I was so scared to go to my appointment, but I'm so glad that I did.

The hospital just called to set up my NT scan to check for down syndrome. So, I'll be going for my scan in 2 weeks. Yay! That means I'll get another peek at this little bean very soon!! I can't wait to see how much he or she will have grown by that time. Then, around 18 weeks we'll have our BIG ultrasound to determine sex! It's all coming so fast now! Seems like I just found out that I was pregnant yesterday!

Killer Instincts

It seems like it's been ages since my last blog post. I'm trying my best to keep up with things, but the all day sickness and exhaustion are proving to be a hurtle that even I must lay down under and nap! I don't know what to write about. My mind seems to be stuck on babies and baby stuff and my upcoming doctor's appointment. It's less than 2 weeks away now so it's getting closer! I am excited, but still apprehensive that once I get there something won't be just perfect. I have a list of questions 4 miles long. You'd think that a second time mom wouldn't have so many questions and demands. I mean, I've done this before, it shouldn't be a big deal. Right?

I have to say that once I see this baby on ultrasound I'm sure I'll feel much better. I'll feel even better still if I can hear it's little heart beating.

Paul's mom asked if I had any instinct of whether the baby will be a boy or a girl. I am feeling that it's going to be a boy. However, with Haley, I was wrong. With Haley I think I wanted a boy so badly that the "want" superceded the instinct. This time I don't care if we have a boy or a girl, and yet I'm still thinking boy. Cheri22 said it would be a boy, so maybe she'll be right with the sex like she was right with when I'd get pregnant. A girl can hope!

My husband, My love

Sometimes, I think my husband is a real ass. Not today though. Today, he not only made dinner, but he also did the dishes and kept Haley entertained while I napped. It was a wonderful day here. It is days like this that make me fall more and more in love with Paul. It is days like this that never let me take my husband for granted.

I think that the pregnancy has finally sunk in with Paul. I think at first that it all seemed too unreal. It was dream-like. I can't imagine what it's like to be a man and not feel anything related to pregnancy, but be expected to believe it. LOL I think it takes a couple weeks to fully sink in. He's keeping track of where I am, when the doctor's appointment is, and reading up on each week of the pregnancy as we get there. He is being absolutely so sweet and wonderful about it all. I couldn't ask for a more supportive husband. I can only imagine how wonderful he will be as the pregnancy progresses and my belly grows. I think he'll take great care of me!

I have to admit that recently I love the way he looks at me. As if pregnancy has made me look different. I can see the love in his eyes and it's such a great feeling when I catch him. He loves that I am pregnant with his baby. The only person who loves that more, is me. I can't wait to share our pregnancy with him. Right now, it's just me and the growing little bean, but I can't wait to share those first kicks and flips of the baby with him. I think that will be a very special moment for both of us- something we will always remember.

This pregnancy has definitely brought something different to our marriage. A strength that can't be described with words. A feeling that transcends the normal spectrum of emotions and nearly brings tears to my eyes. In this moment, I don't think it's possible to love my husband more that I do now. Even though I can't imagine it now, I think I'll love him more once I see him hold our child, nurture and cuddle and love that child. The child that we made, together, out of our love for each other.

Super Sledder and Broke Back Momma

Well, when school was cancelled today due to the snow, I thought it would make a great sledding day. I love sledding! What I failed to remember is that I haven't been sledding since I hurt my back a couple years ago and also that I'm now pregnant. Duhr!! Get with the program, Mindy!

I am in so much pain that I can't even explain it. To top things off, I can't take any good pain killers and I don't even have any Tylenol in the house. All I have in the cupboard is Motrin and that's off limits. Dang it. Paul should be home in about 20 minutes though so I'm hoping he'll run up and get me some. If he does, I think I'll kiss his talon-like toes (no matter how ill it makes me!).

The most important thing is that Haley had fun. And she did. She was having a blast! We bought her a saucer sled this year and she loves that thing when it turns her around backwards! That kid is a thrill seeker and I am totally anticipating her asking to sky dive for her 16th birthday! I even went down the hill once. Relax, it was slow, I was just trying to pack down a path so that Haley could go faster. It worked. Haley was even trying to get it packed down further on out because she wanted to keep going longer. She's such a fun kid! We had a ball. I'd like to do it again sometime when I have some tylenol ready! HAHA!

Conflict and Confusion

I started this post entirely different and now that I've deleted it several times, I still seem at a loss for exactly how to express all the feelings in my heart tonight. They are conflicting and confusing to say the least, but I'll give it a shot.

Let's start with today's pregnancy update as that's the easiest. Today, I went for an official urine test at the women's center. It was, of course, positive. I had a moment while peeing in the cup where I thought, "What would I do if they said it was negative?" I know that the likelihood of it coming back negative without any spotting or miscarriage beforehand would be slim. I feel like my hCg numbers are too high for that now, but it still didn't stop the thought from crossing my mind. I find myself still utterly terrified that something will go wrong. Along with that fear is the detachment. I am too afraid to believe it. I am too afraid to let myself be genuinely happy. Of course, I am happy, it's just a detached sort of happy and I keep finding myself adding "...if everything goes well" when I tell someone that I am pregnant. I hope that there comes a time when I won't feel like I need to add that on there. I hope there comes a time when I can just sit back and dream of all things baby and not be worried that this pregnancy is just a dream. I keep telling myself the same things that I have told other friends who have gotten pregnant after infertility which is, "just be happy for each day that you have with your baby. If things don't work out, then atleast you enjoyed every minute of it, and if things do work out then you will be happy that you didn't spend all your time worrying in the beginning." I know that this is true. There is no doubt in my mind about it, but it only eases the fear a little. I can't seem to talk about these fears with Paul as much as I'd like to because I'm too terrified to utter the words loss or miscarriage aloud these days. He seems confident and that helps me alot. He is so very ready to be a dad and I can't help but smile when he talks about the baby or "when the baby gets here". It's so adorable. I love my husband so much!

The second thing that I wanted to talk about is how I'm feeling in my online world of infertiles. In my opinion, I am still an infertile. I'm just a pregnant infertile. Oxy-moron? YES! I know the pain of infertility. I don't think that anything in this world could make me forget that pain, that longing, that emptiness. I can't forget the journey that seemed like an eternity just because I got pregnant. I feel like I don't fit in with pregnant women who are so confident and naive; who think that everything will go smoothly and they will deliver a perfect 7 pound baby in 9 months. I know that things don't always go that way. Sometimes, pregnancy doesn't mean you will get to take home a baby. I also feel like I don't fit with my infertile friends. I try. They try too. I know how it hurts though. I know that somedays for them it's easy for them to be genuinely happy for me and my pregnancy. However, I know that somedays they probably look at that ticker in my signature and wish that they didn't have to see it anymore. It's easier to be happy when a fellow infertile ends up pregnant, but it doesn't mean that it's ALWAYS easy. I have been in their shoes. I can understand. They could tell me to take my pregnant ass and go far away and it wouldn't hurt my feelings. I know their pain, and I understand it. I understand that somedays to look around and feel like everyone is pregnant, like they are surrounded by babies....it's difficult to say the least. Other days, everything is fine. Infertility is not only a hard long journey, but it is an emotional rollercoaster. I feel like trying to be supportive to them is like rubbing my pregnancy in their face. I won't feel guilty for being pregnant because that's what we're all trying to achieve, but that doesn't mean that my heart doesn't break everyday because they aren't pregnant right along side of me.

To my infertile girls out there: Love ya all and I'm praying for each and every one of you to finally get that baby!

To my pregnant girls out there: Many prayers for healthy, happy, and smooth pregnancies and deliveries.

Dumbass Doctors And One Maybe Good One

Well, as I may or may not have mentioned before, I have already set up my first prenatal visit with a doctor's office. We thought about it over the weekend. We decided that we'd like to have the baby at the hospital in Michigan City instead of the hospital here. So, I called the hospital and got the names of some of the best doctors. I, then, tried to call all three of these doctors (during normal business hours even!), and got NO ANSWER at any of the offices. I was shocked. How can three different doctors all take the same day off or whatever was going on. They had answering machines, sure, but where the hell is a bitchy receptionist when you need one? Come on doc's! Get your shit together.

So, after all the hullaballoo that ensued afterwards and my panic attack. I decided that I'll stay with the same doctor that I called in the first place. Afterall, I was genuainely impressed when I called that a doctor answered my questions and the receptionist called me back very quickly with the answer! The doctor even said that I could come in early if I wanted to and, in my book, that a huge plus! Most doctors are such assholes anymore. It's increasingly hard to find a doctor who truly cares about their patients these days. So, I am hoping that this doctor is the right one for me, for our baby, and as far as it all goes--she's going to have to be right for Paul too because we all know how he hates having a weirdo look at his vagina!

It's sinking in...

I think that I have now finally come to the realization that I am REALLY pregnant. This isn't some sick mind trick, it's really real. I have now gone well beyond my normal luteal phase length and today marks 17dpo.

If you go by my ovulation date, then baby's due date will be October 2, 2008.

If you go by my last period, then baby's due date will be October 5, 2008.

For the time being, I am going by my last period, since that is what most doctor's will go by in the early weeks of a pregnancy. With the due date of October 5, I am 4 weeks pregnant today! It's good to finally be where most women are when they first find out that they are pregnant. I have known now for nearly a week and I'm just now 4 weeks. Time is going too slowly already!! This is going to be a very long 9 months of waiting on this little one to get here.

I underestimated Haley's reading skills recently and she saw the digital pregnancy test and figured things out pretty quickly once she read the word "pregnant" on there! She is very excited already and can't wait to have a brother or sister (although she wants a sister more). She keeps asking when we'll know if it's a boy or girl and we keep telling her that it's going to be a very long time before we get to find out. Of course, we weren't planning on telling her this early, but since she found out then we had to have the talk with her about how sometimes baby's don't grow right and sometimes, even when you are pregnant, it doesn't mean you have a baby at the end of everything. She was okay with that so I think if something were to go wrong that she'd be able to handle being told about it too.

So, I'm finally letting myself believe this pregnancy, and I believe that this pregnancy will be a successful one too! We picked out names already so we will be ready by the ultrasound that will tell us a gender to give this baby a name! For now, it's just "the baby". Maybe we should come up with a gender neutral nickname for this little bean until we get a few more months into this and can give him or her a proper name.

Still Doesn't Seem Real

I am really enjoying the carefree excitement of knowing I'm pregnant, even though it doesn't quite seem real to me yet. In a normal cycle, I wouldn't be due for my period for nearly another week. I am 14dpo today. No real symptoms of early pregnancy, except for extremely sore breasts and very sore nipples that feel raw and rug-burned. Ouch!! I tested again yesterday and the lines were atleast twice as dark as the day before so I'm sure that the hCg is rising appropriately. I called for my first doctor's appointment too. They typically do the first appointment at 9 weeks, but the doctor was very sweet and offered that I could come in earlier than that if I wanted. Believe it or not, I opted to just go along on a normal schedule. No beta's to worry about. No early ultrasounds to stress over. I will just be a normal pregnant woman for another month! At my first appointment on March 4th she will also do my first ultrasound. I will be far enough along to see a good heartbeat and make sure that the baby is growing on schedule. I think that will be the best way to start things off--stress free! Of course the doctor said that if I have any problems or spotting to call right away and they would get me in for an early ultrasound and such. They seem very welcoming to a new patient and I was very surprised at the doctor's offer to see me early if I wanted. That is just the type of doctor that I need since I'm sure later in the pregnancy I'll have many concerns!!

Paul bought me a week-by-week pregnancy book and a pregnancy journal. He spent alot of time reading the info in both. I was very impressed. He is so interested in what is going on now and what is to come in the weeks ahead. I think that he will be very attentive as I progress in the pregnancy. I couldn't have a better husband!! I love him so much!!

Success at 12dpo!

The Barren Bride is barren no more!! Today, at 12 dpo, success! I had a hint of a line on a dollar store test so I had to get a name brand test to confirm/deny with. So, I got a 2 pack of Answer tests and the line started coming up within 1 minute. We are so happy, but still in a bit of disbelief. After the last 3 years of struggling to get past infertility to now being pregnant is a strange feeling indeed. I don't fit in with my infertile friends and I don't fit in with my fertile friends either. I'm a pregnant infertile--how the hell did that happen? I'm actually finding it hard to even admit that I am pregnant....I do very much believe the stick and I am confident that it will be a successful pregnancy, but to actually say it, type it, or allow myself to be happy about it is another thing completely. I'm hoping that I can warm up to it in a few days--maybe once I'm actually late for my period or when the first assault known as morning sickness hits. I think I'll allow myself to believe it then. For anyone who may come across this blog who has had a child after infertility....where do you fit and how did you come to accept your pregnancy as being real?