Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut

Sometimes you feel like a nut,
Sometimes you don't.
Almond Joy's got nuts,
Mounds don't.

For Christ's sake, I can't get that little jingle out of my head!! Do they even play that stupid song on TV anymore? Have they played it on TV in the last 10 years? If so, I cannot recall having seen it since the mid-90's. How in the hell did I get that stuck in my head? Last night, I had a similar problem, only the slogan stuck in my head was:

Ch-ch-ch-CHIA!

Yes, you got it right, as in Chia Pets. Who invented those dumbass marvels of the plant world anyways? The bigger problem with chia pets is that they have been around since the stone age. Who the fuck buys those things? How have they stayed in business for so long? I mean, Haley wants one, but she's five. She wants everything she sees on TV so she doesn't count. I can just see tomorrow's slogan.

Clap on! Clap off! *clap clap* The Clapper!!!

I'm losing my marbles over here. I think it's getting worse every year. I mean, have you noticed what good music they are playing at the grocery store these days?

Someone smack me. Now. Please.

Do me a favor, anyone who reads this shit hole of a blog, tell me your favorite slogans. Let's see what weird shit you people have floating around in your heads. C'mon. I don't want to be the only asshole in cyberspace...

Saturday Morning Bender

Take up drinking? Certainly. Why not? Pass me a bottle of the hard stuff. Vodka. Whiskey. Even the dreaded tequila that makes me so ill. Sure. I'll take it all.

I'll take this drink:

Four Horsemen
1/4 oz Jim Beam

1/4 oz Jack Daniel's

1/4 oz Johnnie Walker

1/4 oz Jose Cuervo

Serve straight up. Makes one shot. Two or three shots will
knock ya down.

I'm not much of a drinker, but I'm seriously thinking of taking it up as a hobby. Maybe I can start going on week long benders everytime my period shows up. That's the preemptive plan for next month. I already missed 2 days of this cycle so it's just not worth it. Besides, I don't have any liquor in the house. The double-you-over-in-screaming-pain cramps that I have will keep me in the house for a few more days yet. Even moreso, the cranium splitting migraine will keep me holed up trying to keep all light sources at bay.

Tequila. Lots of it. Put it on my tab, bartender.

As another Christmas approaches I realize exactly what the holidays have come to represent for me--another year without a baby, without a pregnancy, without the hope that it will eventually happen. This new year brings Paul and I to three years of this crap. Yes, really three. Of course, there have been numerous breaks in there, but who could try for that long and not take breaks? I have no need to explain myself to anyone anyways. Anyone who has been in my situation will fully understand, while anyone who has never been here could never understand. I wouldn't have understood if someone has said these things to me 3 years ago.

Whiskey, on the rocks, please. Make it a double.

That bender is sounding better all the time! Now that Haley has decided that I am the most intelligent being on the face of the Earth and has five million questions including "What's the meaning of life?" All the while her little voice is ricocheting nicely off my mushy brain matter and I swear it has penetrated the optic nerve. Even worse than her voice and her game of 5 billion questions, are the cartoons that she insists on watching. Since when does Pokemon make sense? Ugh. Awful cartoons these days. What happened to the good ol' days? Now that I think about it, those cartoons weren't that much better.

Could you just top off this glass barkeep? I mean...just leave the bottle. I'll slug it down when I feel my cramps again. Hic. Up. Hic.

What's really sad and even more pitiful is that it's 8:30am and I think I'm being funny and I know full well that I sound like a miserable old drunk with nothing better to do than whine about being an infertile in an overly fertile world. Yeah. Bite me. Go make some babies. Leave me alone. I'm having fun. Atleast I entertain myself with sex and 80's cartoons. No need for condoms either and that brings an entirely new pleasure to life that fertiles just don't get. Ha. Ha. In your face! Yeah...now what? Huh?

I. am. so. funny.

If I was drunk--I would think I was twice and funny and, in reality, wouldn't be half as funny. Just an observation. Pass me that bottle. It's early--I have all day to get REALLY drunk. This should be interesting.

Oh...and one more thing before I close this up--what's with stupid people online? Lisa and I had a run in with a real winner in the forum's new chat room thing that we installed on there. It's great fun, but I guess the crazies wander in occasionally.