"Santa paints his whole body with invisible paint and that's why nobody can see him when he comes on Christmas."
I fnd myself, today, quite optimistic. I have a wonderful feeling that 2008 is going to be my year to finally find myself pregnant. I will start my clomid in January, or even maybe on the last few days of December. What a wonderful way to send off 2007--with all the hope that 2008 is going to be better. Usually, I don't really make a big deal of a new year rolling in. I make pointless resolutions knowing that I won't follow through. That's about it. Sometimes, I don't even bother to make the resolutions at all. I think this year my resolution is to be a more patient mother, a more understanding, loving wife, and my final resolution is to get pregnant in 2008. Whether the baby is born in 2008 or 2009 is of no consequence. 2008 is preferred, obviously, but 2009 is fine with me too! There just seems to be something in me that KNOWS this is the year. That, and the fact that my couple of psychic readings say so. I know--I'm a whack job to believe in psychics. Don't judge. If the psychic's were right or very near to right--I will let you all know! The one psychic was dead on in predicting my friend Lisa's pregnancy. So, I do have some faith in it. Only time will tell though!
I can simply feel that 2008 is going to be great!
A great friend of mine, Lisa, found out that she was pregnant! I am completely overjoyed for her and her husband. Lisa, like me, has struggled a very long time with secondary infertility. For the last 2 years, we have been infertile together. The emotions following her telling me that she had just gotten a positive pregnancy test were as follows:
First, complete and utter joy. How can you be anything less than ecstatic for a friend who has been trying to have a baby for so long? It was full out though. My heart was beating a million miles a minute and I started shaking. You would have thought that I had found out I was pregnant!! It was quite comical. Then, my phone died. Ugh. Stupid phone.
So, as I sat there on AIM talking to Lisa, it hit me. The realization. You know--THE realization. The one where you go "Oh my God! Now, I'm the ONLY one left in our forum group who has not yet conceived baby number two." As a matter of fact, one of my forum girls is pregnant with baby number three and several others are ready to start trying for number three. And here I sit--infertile as all get out. Woohoo for me. Even though I was at that time ready to have my pity party, it still didn't stop me from being so happy for Lisa. It's a weird conflicting emotion to be a miserable infertile, and still rejoice that another infertile has officially overcome all the obstacles and gotten herself pregnant. So, I went and laid down in bed with Paul and had a good half hour talk and a good hard cry. Paul pissed me off cracking jokes, trying to elicit a smile from me. It didn't work. He's a man. I suppose it's in his genetic structure to be assanine.
I had my pity party. I didn't deny myself a single tear that I needed to get out. I let it flow. I didn't cry because I was upset that she is pregnant. I cried for me, for myself. I cried because I grievously miss my fertility. I cried because I am now the outcast. The single infertile left in a group of 12 or so women, most of whom conceived easily and without much trying. I cried because I have invested so much into trying to get pregnant including painful procedures, surgery, thousands upon thousands of dollars in doctor's appointments, pregnancy tests, ovulation tests, vitamins, herbs....you name it and I've invested in it. Three years of my life is invested into getting pregnant. Yes, next month will hit the three year mark for us. I may have another pity party that day, I can't say yet, but I may. The journey to becoming a parent for a second time has been almost more than I can bear, yet, I always seem to press on, to put on a smile, to be brave, to be positive. Today, I don't feel like I can be positive any more. I fear that infertility has dealt the blow that broke me. Three years. Jesus. That's somethin'. Then the calm hit. All in a moment, I was okay again. I'm still not whole, not complete without another baby, but for now, I'm okay.
So, I got back on AIM with Lisa. The phone was anticipatedly perched upon the charger awaiting it's next call. I convinced Lisa to post her test on the forum, although I think she is scared that it's going to be some kind of jinx. I don't think so. I think she's finally going to get her take home baby. Then, she expressed her guilt. She felt guilty telling me, felt guilty posting on the forum without first getting my permission. What a wonderful, precious friend to be so caring. However, her guilt is not necessary. I was really eager for her to post her picture and announce her pregnancy. I wanted to be the first one to congratulate her. I am not jealous of her or her pregnancy. I am just purely happy for her and her family. Most especially happy that I have such a great friend who is going to be blessed with another little one to pitter patter around the house. My heart still aches for my own little one, and my heart has ached for the last two years for her to have a little one. So, today, my ache is less, and for that I'm grateful.
To my wonderful friend, Lisa, if she should wander by to read this...
You and I have been through some rough times together. I am so excited for you, your family, and the new little one that you will be bringing into this world in a short 9 months. Please, do me the favor of enjoying your pregnancy, cherishing every minute, and not feeling guilty. I have prayed too many prayers for you, for them all to go unanswered. It's your time to shine so show off that pregnant glow! Do not let a minute of guilt even enter into your thoughts. I am glad that I didn't get pregnant before you. You know that. I said I'd go last. That sticks out so clearly in my mind, that I figure God kept it in my memory for a reason. I am a woman who sticks to her word. I'll probably be magically fertile now. If I am, I'll owe it all to you and your pregnancy. LOL Take care of that baby!
Oh look, what's that? Those are 3 kool-aid packets! Oh wait, excuse me, one is hawaiian punch, which is even worse with it's extra super dooper mega redness. And, what did Miss Haley do with the red kool-aid you ask...
The one on the left there, that's the dog's food bowl. The best I can tell, the dog needed some kool-aid syrup. She didn't add enough water to make it anything more than that! The one on the right there, yup, that's my CA
RPET. As I'm sure you can tell, that isn't her kool-aid syrup straight on the carpet. I can't really say what happened before I woke up, but I can most certainly tell you that she attempted to clean that mess up! It's soaking wet and she had several rags out. Talk about mom being NOT HAPPY!! I can deal with alot of messes, but this is just beyond even my comprehension. Even all these hours later, I still don't think that it has fully sunk in yet. I did put some cleaner on that red spot and now you can hardly see it, but it's still there. I will have to go get something that gets red out.
These pictures don't even cover the mess in the kitchen! Salt all over the floor in there and more than it's share of red droplets all over. Then, she salted the arm of the couch and the floor beneath that. Maybe later on today, or even tomorrow, I will post the rest of the pictures of this atrocity! Heaven help me!!!!!!!
Haley, Paul, and I have officially finished reading aloud the first installment of the Harry Potter series. I, of course, have already read them, but they are new to both Paul and Haley. What made the decision to read her the books was her desire to see the movies. Even I, do not see a movie based on a book without first having read the book. Even if that means missing the movie in theatres. What seems most amazing to me is Haley's mouth foaming desire now, not for the movie, but for the next book. It's great to see her so in love with a story that I too have lavished in. I have to say, I was quite proud of Paul, who had been thus far quite resistant to even the notion of reading a kid's book all by himself, but read aloud, with more enthusiasm than expected. His best moment was during the announcing of quidditch matches. He read it like a true sports announcer, with only a few pauses to stop and snicker at the dialogue. He would have made a spectacular sports announcer! He even once threatened to read ahead without her since he was enjoying the book so much, if she didn't behave herself. I, of course, was in total I told you so mode. Everyone loves the story of Harry Potter, young and old alike. I knew he'd like it too, if I could just get him to pick up the stinkin' book and give it a try! Now, we have to go rent the movie for Haley as her reward for finishing the book. Paul and I have both already seen the movie, but for her it will be a new adventure. Hopefully, an advanture that will make her want to read more often. I hope that I can instill my love of books in her. I would love someday to discuss some of the great novels with her.
I, meanwhile, have read The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Two Towers over the last few weeks. I had always been very resistant to reading them as I once remember a girl in one of my high school classes telling me that it was a difficult read with alot of old language in it. Then, the movies came out, and "What the Hell!" everyone that I knew had atleast read The Hobbit. Well, I finally broke down and decided it was time to read them all. Keeping true to my word, I have not seen the movies. I have one book left in the series, and after that, I told Paul that I would very much like to just sit for a whole weekend and enjoy the movies. Preferrably, a weekend when Haley won't be running about distracting me. I have really enjoyed them up to this point, and can see already that they are a book series that I wouldn't mind reading again. I have a feeling that they are the types of books that you miss alot of details the first go through, and would pick up alot of minor details that pertain to future events in the books with a second read. I don't really have any prospects for future reads just yet. I suppose that I should come up with a few ideas as I am planning a trip to the library tomorrow to pick up Haley's new book. Any suggestions from anyone? I particularly like books of a series if anyone has any suggestions...
Sometimes you feel like a nut,
Sometimes you don't.
Almond Joy's got nuts,
Mounds don't.
For Christ's sake, I can't get that little jingle out of my head!! Do they even play that stupid song on TV anymore? Have they played it on TV in the last 10 years? If so, I cannot recall having seen it since the mid-90's. How in the hell did I get that stuck in my head? Last night, I had a similar problem, only the slogan stuck in my head was:
Ch-ch-ch-CHIA!
Clap on! Clap off! *clap clap* The Clapper!!!
