Jan 31, 2008

Conflict and Confusion

I started this post entirely different and now that I've deleted it several times, I still seem at a loss for exactly how to express all the feelings in my heart tonight. They are conflicting and confusing to say the least, but I'll give it a shot.

Let's start with today's pregnancy update as that's the easiest. Today, I went for an official urine test at the women's center. It was, of course, positive. I had a moment while peeing in the cup where I thought, "What would I do if they said it was negative?" I know that the likelihood of it coming back negative without any spotting or miscarriage beforehand would be slim. I feel like my hCg numbers are too high for that now, but it still didn't stop the thought from crossing my mind. I find myself still utterly terrified that something will go wrong. Along with that fear is the detachment. I am too afraid to believe it. I am too afraid to let myself be genuinely happy. Of course, I am happy, it's just a detached sort of happy and I keep finding myself adding "...if everything goes well" when I tell someone that I am pregnant. I hope that there comes a time when I won't feel like I need to add that on there. I hope there comes a time when I can just sit back and dream of all things baby and not be worried that this pregnancy is just a dream. I keep telling myself the same things that I have told other friends who have gotten pregnant after infertility which is, "just be happy for each day that you have with your baby. If things don't work out, then atleast you enjoyed every minute of it, and if things do work out then you will be happy that you didn't spend all your time worrying in the beginning." I know that this is true. There is no doubt in my mind about it, but it only eases the fear a little. I can't seem to talk about these fears with Paul as much as I'd like to because I'm too terrified to utter the words loss or miscarriage aloud these days. He seems confident and that helps me alot. He is so very ready to be a dad and I can't help but smile when he talks about the baby or "when the baby gets here". It's so adorable. I love my husband so much!

The second thing that I wanted to talk about is how I'm feeling in my online world of infertiles. In my opinion, I am still an infertile. I'm just a pregnant infertile. Oxy-moron? YES! I know the pain of infertility. I don't think that anything in this world could make me forget that pain, that longing, that emptiness. I can't forget the journey that seemed like an eternity just because I got pregnant. I feel like I don't fit in with pregnant women who are so confident and naive; who think that everything will go smoothly and they will deliver a perfect 7 pound baby in 9 months. I know that things don't always go that way. Sometimes, pregnancy doesn't mean you will get to take home a baby. I also feel like I don't fit with my infertile friends. I try. They try too. I know how it hurts though. I know that somedays for them it's easy for them to be genuinely happy for me and my pregnancy. However, I know that somedays they probably look at that ticker in my signature and wish that they didn't have to see it anymore. It's easier to be happy when a fellow infertile ends up pregnant, but it doesn't mean that it's ALWAYS easy. I have been in their shoes. I can understand. They could tell me to take my pregnant ass and go far away and it wouldn't hurt my feelings. I know their pain, and I understand it. I understand that somedays to look around and feel like everyone is pregnant, like they are surrounded by babies....it's difficult to say the least. Other days, everything is fine. Infertility is not only a hard long journey, but it is an emotional rollercoaster. I feel like trying to be supportive to them is like rubbing my pregnancy in their face. I won't feel guilty for being pregnant because that's what we're all trying to achieve, but that doesn't mean that my heart doesn't break everyday because they aren't pregnant right along side of me.

To my infertile girls out there: Love ya all and I'm praying for each and every one of you to finally get that baby!

To my pregnant girls out there: Many prayers for healthy, happy, and smooth pregnancies and deliveries.


texicaligirl said...

mindy, i almost cried reading this day's blog. i'm so happy for you and i barely know you (even online). i haven't been with you through all of your struggles through infertility. i've only been on this path for a year myself. your sesitivity to what we are all going through, what you already went through - that is great. you are one of us! its like being a cancer survivor in a way - other people are still struggling, but you are a survivor, which is what we are all trying to be! we are happy to see your ticker...in fact i freak out when you are not online everyday - i want everything to be perfect for you and i worry about why you might not be online...ug. i'm just so dang happy for you, and hopeful for you and me!

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